User:Quark16/Reviews
Review: No 1 . The Cabinet of Doctor Caligari (1919) Starring Conrad Veidt . Based on the region one DVD by Kino International....
When "The Cabinet of Doctor Caligari" Slips in conversations . People often yap on like "Oh. It's a masterpiece" and "The art Design is Fantastic".Well all of that is true but what people often forget is that it certainally was not made that way . It was made to shock them (well at the time it was pretty freaky) . It was designed to upset them with wierd images and swirling landscapes.Tim Burton ripped this film off - Fact. . It all upset them very deeply .The film starts with an old man saying that the night is filled with spirits . What has he been smoking ?. A younger guy is sat beside him . A young guy who takes in everthing he says . What has he been smoking ?. The young guys "Wife to be" . Walks past looking half stoned . The words "what has she been smoking?" come to mind.So the guy does what all husbands would do if they saw there wifes stoned . He tells an old man about his past . Told you this wouldnt make sence.So we get a flashback . Of a german village on a hill . What the ? . A German villiage on a hill. A whole villaige on top of a huge hill , seriously the hills big enough to be a mountain .we meet this person called alan. Who loks like hes on drugs aswell . He sees somthing in the newspaper and has a panic attack ! What has hes wife died ! His mother ! His son ! .... No the funfair is coming to town. The panic attack turns out to be a joy attack . I suppose people really liked the funfair back then.So acting like a half crazed child he runs to his best friend francis - Who is also the guy at the beginning of the story . You know the young guy with the stoned fiancee.He begs francis to come to the funfair. It sounds like this . Please ? No . Please? No.Please? . No . So Francis caves in and gos to the fair . The fair Is full of stalls . No rides . Or tents . Stalls. Selling candy floss and stuff . Who gos to a flipping german funfair just to buy candyfloss . So They come across . Some tents . Finally some tents .So whats in tents ? . Freaks ? Clowns ? Jugglers? . No .. A crazy ass guy in a top hat. Well thats what I see in most fairs ! Crazy ass guys in top hats .. Did i mention he looks like hes on Drugs.So he tells all the guys to come in to his tent.Yes thats right listen to the drugged up guy in the top hat.Seriously this guy couldnt be more obvious if he dressed up as a witch and said come in to my tent I have candy ! But is no candy . Maybye this man is good . Theres no candy .. Theres a box .. What a minue thats no box ... My visions a little blury but thats ..... Not A Box ..... Is too thin .. Too long .. Bought the wright size for a pers...... Omg ! Its a coffin 1 Take back all I said about the man being good . Sudenlly id prefer the man with the candy ! But everyone looks at it like . It looks like a coffin . but Its just a box shaped like a coffin . Obviously they smoke too much of the wrong stuff . So the guy in the top hat (The guy actually looks like santa. well an evil santa .well santa on drugs .well an evil on drugs) and makes lots of teethy growl faces . whats that all about ? and opens up the box to find .. A Goth ! A Goth in a box ! Theres somthing you dont see every days . So the "Goth" guy is called ceseare . Woah ! He defiantally smoked somthing or seriously overdosed on the sleeping . Apparently hes been like that since he was a baby . How many times do i have too say this parents buy sleeping pills with a child lock on the lid ! Or put them up in a high place ! Your choice . So he wakes up from his deep sleep and is like wtf just happened ! The santa man (Caligari) thinks its a good time to resite some poetry . Anytime is a not a good time to recite poetry. So He says a very long poem that tells ceaseare to step of his box . No way did he come up with that on the spot he must of been up all night writing that. Maybye he stole off someone . yeah its like "I have a creepy ass poem" says the poet . "Give me that " says caligari . "Woah did santa claus just steal my poem ?". Yes he did poet ! So Ceseare decides to have a Q and A session with the place . Alan asks a question first (Main characters always ask questions first). He asks . "What knife will i stab Russell T Daives With ?" . Nah he doesnt ask that but i would !. Ask the meaning life you dope ! No he asks the best question EVER ! When will i Die ? Ceseare could of cheated him and said . "Some Day". But he says tommorrow morning . If iI was him I would get the police after that guy and never go to sleep or just dont bilieve . But he takes it too heart and almost cries . Francis is like "what a twat!" so they walk home and in the streets they meet a woman who looks excactly like the stoned girl at the start .Wait a minute it is her . Though she doesnt look that stomed . Maybye just a little bit . Francis and Alan are both in love with her .(Odd Taste) , Francis makes a stupid speech like "Who ever she chooses between the both of us let us remain freiends !" When he is so obviously thinking up a scheme that involves a knife and Alan . Nah HE doesnt stab him but another guy does . Well if it isnt ceseare the sleepwalking man . how convenent . he can stab Alan then say that he was sleepwalking and it was an acident ... Way to go Ceseare . So he walks round the street doing whats seems to be ballet moves and .. Rubbing himself off the wall . Ceseare thats just embarassing . So Alan is found died in the morning . Did I just say he was found died ? He was found DEAD ! So bohho people cry . Francis trys to go to the police but there dickheads and wont listen so .. Off he goes to the stoned girls house . Where her dad is the chief of police . How conventant is that ? So the police listen know and pace back and forth . yeah thats help people . Tell me .. Will it bring alan !?#! .So the chief is killed aswell and stoned girl is like "How Dramatactally conventant " . Maybye we should just call the chief of police "The Man Of Covenience". They should a movie/Spin off about him and call it well .. "A MAN OF OF COVENINCE " . ePISODE ONE . The Phantom Menance !So it isnt long before That Familar man in Black comes to kill stoned girl . So he Comes in through an .. open window . Theres a killer on the loose and you .. Leave the window open ! So the window is huge ! Long And huge ! Is about the size of that German Villiage at the start . So he wals over with a pink knife aand goes to stab himself . But he stops .. Please in the name of god do not fall in love with with her .. Please .. I mean Beautey and the Beast .. Phantom of the opera .. Hunchback of notre Dame .. Man Who Laughs (I will review this one someday). .... And now this gets added to the list .That long list of romances that just didnt make it . So By god i was wright . So he does a frankenstien monster impression that goes like this "Ugh ! She pretty . Me steal!" . So out they go of the window . Across the roof And the cardboard chimney pots . that are still wet from all the black paint . cesare inhales some paints fumes .. Because people back then Painted there chimney pots ? And falls to the ground . Nah ! That doesnt happen ! He runs away with her .The police suspect santa claus man and send Francis and Some police Guy to his cabin . Which is so warped and oddly shaped its like a .. Big Warped House . so Ceseare is in the house what the ! But ceseare just kidnapped .. Does not make scence ! Its a friking Acid trip within and acid trip .. Yes its that crazy !So grown man ceseare is being spoon fed by santa . Read aloud that last sentance there . It tells you everthing you need to know about this movie .So the spoonfed Ceseare turns out to be a mannequin . A damm good one at that ! so they chase after ceseare (The Real One) and he falls off a cliff ! .. seriously thats like jack the ripper tripping over a bucket . They go to and mental asylum under the impression that caligari (Santa) is insane .But the asylum turns out to be run by dr caligari ! WtF ! I mean i like plot twists But this is just Too much ! So Caligari is like "I am not this caligari you speak. i do not know who this handsome man is".
