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| ==INSTALL YOUR NIG<i></i>GER.== | | {{Infobox Individual |
| | |aka = |
| | |image = |
| | |species = Human |
| | |affiliation = Nazi Party |
| | |origin = [[Germany]] |
| | |first = |
| | |appearances = |
| | |only = Colditz (audio story) |
| | |actor = |
| | |other actor = |
| | |voice actor = David Tennant |
| | |affiliation2 = Wehrmacht}} |
| | '''[[Sergeant|Feldwebel]]''' '''Kurtz''' was a [[Germany|German]] officer at [[Colditz Castle]]. He was in direct contact with the majority of the prisoners there. He was vicious and delighted in harming the prisoners, especially ones who had tried to escape. He took particular interest in [[Ace]] when she arrived with the [[Seventh Doctor]] in [[October]] [[1944]], and confiscated her CD [[Walkman]]. Several times he implied that Ace should sleep with him in order to win his favour, and at one point threatened to rape her if they were alone together. |
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| You should install your nig<i></i>ger differently according to whether you have purchased the field or house model. Field nig<i></i>gers work best in a serial configuration, i.e. chained together. Chain your nig<i></i>ger to another nig<i></i>ger immediately after unpacking it, and don't even think about taking that chain off, ever. Many nig<i></i>gers start singing as soon as you put a chain on them. This habit can usually be thrashed out of them if nipped in the bud. House nig<i></i>gers work best as standalone units, but should be hobbled or hamstrung to prevent attempts at escape. At this stage, your nig<i></i>ger can also be given a name. Most owners use the same names over and over, since nig<i></i>gers become confused by too much data. Rufus, Rastus, Remus, Toby, Carslisle, Carlton, Hey-You!-Yes-you!, Yeller, Blackstar, and Sambo are all effective names for your new buck nig<i></i>ger. If your nig<i></i>ger is a ho, it should be called Latrelle, L'Tanya, or Jemima. Some owners call their nig<i></i>ger hoes Latrine for a joke. Pearl, Blossom, and Ivory are also righteous names for nig<i></i>ger hoes. These names go straight over your nig<i></i>ger's head, by the way.
| | After travelling back in time from [[1965]], Dr [[Elizabeth Klein]] used him as a lapdog, when she sought the Doctor and Ace's cooperation. On several occasions, she threatened to have Kurtz shoot Ace if the Doctor did not comply with her demands. When the Doctor finally opened [[The Doctor's TARDIS|his TARDIS]] to her, the Doctor [[Dematerialisation circuit|dematerialised]] it with the doors open. Kurtz was trapped between the outside world and the interior dimensions of the TARDIS, ripping him apart. ([[AUDIO]]: ''[[Colditz (audio story)|Colditz]]'') |
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| ==CONFIGURE YOUR NIG<i></i>GER.==
| | His death appalled Ace, and she later described his death as one of the worst things that she had ever seen. ([[AUDIO]]: ''[[The Rapture (audio story)|The Rapture]]'') |
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| Owing to a design error, your nig<i></i>ger comes equipped with a tongue and vocal chords. Most nig<i></i>gers can master only a few basic human phrases with this apparatus - "muh dick" being the most popular. However, others make barking, yelping, yapping noises and appear to be in some pain, so you should probably call a vet and have him remove your nig<i></i>ger's tongue. Once de-tongued your nig<i></i>ger will be a lot happier - at least, you won't hear it complaining anywhere near as much. Nig<i></i>gers have nothing interesting to say, anyway. Many owners also castrate their nig<i></i>gers for health reasons (yours, mine, and that of women, not the nig<i></i>ger's). This is strongly recommended, and frankly, it's a mystery why this is not done on the boat.
| | In Klein's [[alternate timeline|timeline]], Kurtz was successful in his attempts to kill Ace. ([[AUDIO]]: ''[[Colditz (audio story)|Colditz]]'', [[AUDIO]]: ''[[Klein's Story (audio story)|Klein's Story]]'') |
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| ==HOUSE YOUR NIG<i></i>GER.== | | == Behind the scenes == |
| | [[File:25 Colditz.jpg|thumb|Illustration by Lee Sullivan ([[DWM 310]])]] |
| | * Feldwebel Kurtz was depicted in a [[DWM illustrated previews|DWM illustrated preview]] by [[Lee Sullivan]] in [[DWM 310]]. |
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| Your nig<i></i>ger can be accommodated in cages with stout iron bars. Make sure, however, that the bars are wide enough to push pieces of nig<i></i>ger food through. The rule of thumb is, four nig<i></i>gers per square yard of cage. So a fifteen foot by thirty foot nig<i></i>ger cage can accommodate two hundred nig<i></i>gers. You can site a nig<i></i>ger cage anywhere, even on soft ground. Don't worry about your nig<i></i>ger fashioning makeshift shovels out of odd pieces of wood and digging an escape tunnel under the bars of the cage. Nig<i></i>gers never invented the shovel before and they're not about to now. In any case, your nig<i></i>ger is certainly too lazy to attempt escape. As long as the free food holds out, your nig<i></i>ger is living better than it did in Africa, so it will stay put. Buck nig<i></i>gers and hoe nig<i></i>gers can be safely accommodated in the same cage, as bucks never attempt sex with black hoes.
| | {{NameSort}} |
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| ==FEED YOUR NIG<i></i>GER.==
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| Your Nig<i></i>ger likes fried chicken, corn bread, and watermelon. You should therefore give it none of these things because its lazy ass almost certainly doesn't deserve it. Instead, feed it on porridge with salt, and creek water. Your nig<i></i>ger will supplement its diet with whatever it finds in the fields, other nig<i></i>gers, etc. Experienced nig<i></i>ger owners sometimes push watermelon slices through the bars of the nig<i></i>ger cage at the end of the day as a treat, but only if all nig<i></i>gers have worked well and nothing has been stolen that day. Mike of the Old Ranch Plantation reports that this last one is a killer, since all nig<i></i>gers steal something almost every single day of their lives. He reports he doesn't have to spend much on free watermelon for his nig<i></i>gers as a result. You should never allow your nig<i></i>ger meal breaks while at work, since if it stops work for more than ten minutes it will need to be retrained. You would be surprised how long it takes to teach a nig<i></i>ger to pick cotton. You really would. Coffee beans? Don't ask. You have no idea.
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| ==ENTERTAIN YOUR NIG<i></i>GER.==
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| Your nig<i></i>ger enjoys play, like most animals, so you should play with it regularly. A happy smiling nig<i></i>ger works best. Games nig<i></i>gers enjoy include: 1) A good thrashing: every few days, take your nig<i></i>ger's pants down, hang it up by its heels, and have some of your other nig<i></i>gers thrash it with a club or whip. Your nig<i></i>ger will signal its intense enjoyment by shrieking and sobbing. 2) Lynch the nig<i></i>ger: nig<i></i>gers are cheap and there are millions more where yours came from. So every now and then, push the boat out a bit and lynch a nig<i></i>ger.
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| Lynchings are best done with a rope over the branch of a tree, and nig<i></i>gers just love to be lynched. It makes them feel special. Make your other nig<i></i>gers watch. They'll be so grateful, they'll work harder for a day or two (and then you can lynch another one). 3) Nig<i></i>ger dragging: Tie your nig<i></i>ger by one wrist to the tow bar on the back of suitable vehicle, then drive away at approximately 50mph. Your nig<i></i>ger's shrieks of enjoyment will be heard for miles. It will shriek until it falls apart. To prolong the fun for the nig<i></i>ger, do NOT drag him by his feet, as his head comes off too soon. This is painless for the nig<i></i>ger, but spoils the fun. Always wear a seatbelt and never exceed the speed limit. 4) Playing on the PNL: a variation on (2), except you can lynch your nig<i></i>ger out in the fields, thus saving work time. Nig<i></i>gers enjoy this game best if the PNL is operated by a man in a tall white hood. 5) Hunt the nig<i></i>ger: a variation of Hunt the Slipper, but played outdoors, with Dobermans. WARNING: do not let your Dobermans bite a nig<i></i>ger, as they are highly toxic.
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| ==DISPOSAL OF DEAD NIG<i></i>GERS.==
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| Nig<i></i>gers die on average at around 40, which some might say is 40 years too late, but there you go. Most people prefer their nig<i></i>gers dead, in fact. When yours dies, report the license number of the car that did the drive-by shooting of your nig<i></i>ger. The police will collect the nig<i></i>ger and dispose of it for you.
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| ==MY NIG<i></i>GER BITCHES ABOUT ITS "RIGHTS" AND "RACISM".==
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| Yeah, well, it would. Tell it to shut the fuck up.
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| ==MY NIG<i></i>GER IS VERY AGGRESSIVE.==
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| Have it put down, for god's sake. Who needs an uppity nig<i></i>ger? What are we, short of nig<i></i>gers or something?
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| ==MY NIG<i></i>GER KEEPS RAPING WHITE WOMEN.==
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| They all do this. Shorten your nig<i></i>ger's chain so it can't reach any white women, and arm heavily any white women who might go near it.
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| ==WILL MY NIG<i></i>GER ATTACK ME?==
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| Not unless it outnumbers you 20 to 1, and even then, it's not likely. If nig<i></i>gers successfully overthrew their owners, they'd have to sort out their own food. This is probably why nig<i></i>ger uprisings were nonexistent (until some fool gave them rights).
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| ==MY NIG<i></i>GER'S HIDE IS A FUNNY COLOR. WHAT IS THE CORRECT SHADE FOR A NIG<i></i>GER?==
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| A nig<i></i>ger's skin is actually more or less transparent. That brown color you can see is the shit your nig<i></i>ger is full of. This is why some models of nig<i></i>ger are sold as "The Shitskin".
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| ==MY NIG<i></i>GER ACTS LIKE A NIG<i></i>GER, BUT IS WHITE.==
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| What you have there is a "wig<i></i>ger". Rough crowd.
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| ==IS THAT LIKE AN ALBINO? ARE THEY RARE?==
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| They're as common as dog shit and about as valuable. In fact, one of them was President between 1992 and 2000. Put your wigger in a cage with a few hundred genuine nig<i></i>gers and you'll soon find it stops acting like a nig<i></i>ger. However, leave it in the cage and let the nig<i></i>gers dispose of it. The best thing for any wigger is a dose of TNB.
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| ==MY NIG<i></i>GER SMELLS REALLY BAD.==
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| And you were expecting what?
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| ==WHERE SHOULD I STORE MY DEAD NIG<i></i>GER?==
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| When you came in here, did you see a sign that said "Dead nig<i></i>ger storage"? That's because there ain't no goddamn sign.
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| [[Category:Human military officers]] | | [[Category:Human military officers]] |
| [[Category:20th century individuals]] | | [[Category:20th century individuals]] |
| [[Category:Nazi soldiers]] | | [[Category:Nazi soldiers]] |
