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==INSTALL YOUR NIG<i></i>GER.==
{{title dab away}}
{{real world}}
{{Infobox Story SMW
|image          = LS A Funny Turn.jpg
|series        = ''[[Lethbridge-Stewart (series)|Lethbridge-Stewart]]'' short stories
|number        =
|main character = [[Alistair Gordon Lethbridge-Stewart]]
|featuring      =
|enemy          = [[Great Intelligence]]
|setting        = The Mess, [[1957]]
|writer        = Alyson Leeds
|cover          =
|editor        = [[Andy Frankham-Allen]], [[Shaun Russel]], [[Hayley Cox]]
|designer      =
|publisher      = Candy Jar Books
|anthology      =
|release date  = 18 December 2018
|format        = Online short story
|isbn          =
|prev          = Piece of Mind (short story)
|next          = Vampires of the Night (short story)
}}{{prose stub}}
'''''A Funny Turn''''' was a free short story in the ''[[Lethbridge-Stewart (series)|Lethbridge-Stewart]]'' series.


You should install your nig<i></i>ger differently according to whether you have purchased the field or house model. Field nig<i></i>gers work best in a serial configuration, i.e. chained together. Chain your nig<i></i>ger to another nig<i></i>ger immediately after unpacking it, and don't even think about taking that chain off, ever. Many nig<i></i>gers start singing as soon as you put a chain on them. This habit can usually be thrashed out of them if nipped in the bud. House nig<i></i>gers work best as standalone units, but should be hobbled or hamstrung to prevent attempts at escape. At this stage, your nig<i></i>ger can also be given a name. Most owners use the same names over and over, since nig<i></i>gers become confused by too much data. Rufus, Rastus, Remus, Toby, Carslisle, Carlton, Hey-You!-Yes-you!, Yeller, Blackstar, and Sambo are all effective names for your new buck nig<i></i>ger. If your nig<i></i>ger is a ho, it should be called Latrelle, L'Tanya, or Jemima. Some owners call their nig<i></i>ger hoes Latrine for a joke. Pearl, Blossom, and Ivory are also righteous names for nig<i></i>ger hoes. These names go straight over your nig<i></i>ger's head, by the way.
== Plot ==
As a recently promoted captain in 1957, Lethbridge-Stewart and other soldiers mark the 148th anniversary of the [[Battle of Talavera]]: which means various regimental skits, with Alistair representing the [[Scots Guards]] with "The Amazing Alistair and Angus, the Talking Bearskin", before doing various games. The junior officers play a game of "mess [[rugby]]" and after successfully scoring a 'try' in the officer's mess, he has to quaff an unknown drink from the Cup (actually old regimental plate) in order for the Scots Guards to 'beat' the Grenadiers and Coldstream Guards. Lethbridge-Stewart duly wins.


==CONFIGURE YOUR NIG<i></i>GER.==
When Alistair's ceremonial bearskin starts to move, the drunken soldiers assume he's doing a trick while he angrily thinks someone's pranking him. To everyone's shock, the bearskin ''bites'' Lieutenant Carson. The bearskin develops glowing red eyes and attacks Alistair; the officers are soon forced to take shelter from it behind the bar. Falling back on training, the confused Alistair clings to his training and fakes confidence in front of his sergeant, Munroe.


Owing to a design error, your nig<i></i>ger comes equipped with a tongue and vocal chords. Most nig<i></i>gers can master only a few basic human phrases with this apparatus - "muh dick" being the most popular. However, others make barking, yelping, yapping noises and appear to be in some pain, so you should probably call a vet and have him remove your nig<i></i>ger's tongue. Once de-tongued your nig<i></i>ger will be a lot happier - at least, you won't hear it complaining anywhere near as much. Nig<i></i>gers have nothing interesting to say, anyway. Many owners also castrate their nig<i></i>gers for health reasons (yours, mine, and that of women, not the nig<i></i>ger's). This is strongly recommended, and frankly, it's a mystery why this is not done on the boat.
The drunken officers run through several plans and [[Hulland-Rumney]] (most senior and most sober) on using the mess hall's Russian sabres. Alistair is left out due to his bearskin-caused leg wound. Unfortunately, the bearskin hat continues to live despite being skewered. Munroe strikes it with a skewer and that causes [[control sphere|a small silver sphere]] to abandon the bearskin - and start to roll away. Carson stamps on it until it breaks.


==HOUSE YOUR NIG<i></i>GER.==
Everyone is left confused about whether this might be [[Soviet Union|Russian]] and decide to guard the remains until it can be reported to a senior officer. Alistair is left depressed that his ceremonial bearskin is now irrepairable but Munroe lets him know these things happen, and the Quartermaster will quietly replace a bearskin in exchange for a bottle of good stuff. Fairfax tries to lighten the mood by joking it was lucky or Alistair he'd taken the bearskin to the party and not to his room as usual; realising that he would have been quietly killed if that had happened, Alistair throws up.


Your nig<i></i>ger can be accommodated in cages with stout iron bars. Make sure, however, that the bars are wide enough to push pieces of nig<i></i>ger food through. The rule of thumb is, four nig<i></i>gers per square yard of cage. So a fifteen foot by thirty foot nig<i></i>ger cage can accommodate two hundred nig<i></i>gers. You can site a nig<i></i>ger cage anywhere, even on soft ground. Don't worry about your nig<i></i>ger fashioning makeshift shovels out of odd pieces of wood and digging an escape tunnel under the bars of the cage. Nig<i></i>gers never invented the shovel before and they're not about to now. In any case, your nig<i></i>ger is certainly too lazy to attempt escape. As long as the free food holds out, your nig<i></i>ger is living better than it did in Africa, so it will stay put. Buck nig<i></i>gers and hoe nig<i></i>gers can be safely accommodated in the same cage, as bucks never attempt sex with black hoes.
The Great Intelligence is cast out of 1957, enraged it has wasted energy on an elaborate plan that has failed. Next, it will strike at Lethbridge-Stewart before he has a chance to become a soldier.


==FEED YOUR NIG<i></i>GER.==
== Characters ==
* Captain [[Alistair Gordon Lethbridge-Stewart]]
* Captain [[Fairfax (A Funny Turn)|Fairfax]]
* Captain [[Hulland-Rumney]]
* Lieutenant [[Ponsonby]]
* Sergeant [[Munroe (A Funny Turn)|Munroe]]
* Major [[Lennox (A Funny Turn)|Lennox]]
* Captain [[Selby (A Funny Turn)|Selby]]
* Lieutenant [[Arlington-Bolt]]
* Lieutenant [[Forster (A Funny Turn)|Forster]]
* Lieutenant [[Halliday (A Funny Turn)|Halliday]]
* Lieutenant [[Blackwood (A Funny Turn)|Blackwood]]
* Lieutenant [[Carson (A Funny Turn)|Carson]]


Your Nig<i></i>ger likes fried chicken, corn bread, and watermelon. You should therefore give it none of these things because its lazy ass almost certainly doesn't deserve it. Instead, feed it on porridge with salt, and creek water. Your nig<i></i>ger will supplement its diet with whatever it finds in the fields, other nig<i></i>gers, etc. Experienced nig<i></i>ger owners sometimes push watermelon slices through the bars of the nig<i></i>ger cage at the end of the day as a treat, but only if all nig<i></i>gers have worked well and nothing has been stolen that day. Mike of the Old Ranch Plantation reports that this last one is a killer, since all nig<i></i>gers steal something almost every single day of their lives. He reports he doesn't have to spend much on free watermelon for his nig<i></i>gers as a result. You should never allow your nig<i></i>ger meal breaks while at work, since if it stops work for more than ten minutes it will need to be retrained. You would be surprised how long it takes to teach a nig<i></i>ger to pick cotton. You really would. Coffee beans? Don't ask. You have no idea.
=== Referenced only ===
* Captain [[Richard Sharpe|Sharpe]]
* [[Eagle (A Funny Turn)|Eagle]]


==ENTERTAIN YOUR NIG<i></i>GER.==
== Worldbuilding ==
* In the [[Battle of Talavera]], the [[Arthur Wellesley|Duke of Wellington]]'s forces won a significant victory in the [[Peninsular War]].
* One event in the battle is that Captain Sharpe of the South Essex "take[s]" a [[Eagle (A Funny Turn)|French Eagle]].
* The Bearskin is controlled by a minature [[control sphere]].
* Alistair is a [[Captain]] in the [[Scots Guards]].


Your nig<i></i>ger enjoys play, like most animals, so you should play with it regularly. A happy smiling nig<i></i>ger works best. Games nig<i></i>gers enjoy include: 1) A good thrashing: every few days, take your nig<i></i>ger's pants down, hang it up by its heels, and have some of your other nig<i></i>gers thrash it with a club or whip. Your nig<i></i>ger will signal its intense enjoyment by shrieking and sobbing. 2) Lynch the nig<i></i>ger: nig<i></i>gers are cheap and there are millions more where yours came from. So every now and then, push the boat out a bit and lynch a nig<i></i>ger.
== Notes ==
* The book cover shows Lethbridge-Stewart in contemporary dress uniform.
* The reference to Captain Sharpe obtaining an Eagle was not a historical event but rather the plot of {{wi|Sharpe's Eagle}}.


Lynchings are best done with a rope over the branch of a tree, and nig<i></i>gers just love to be lynched. It makes them feel special. Make your other nig<i></i>gers watch. They'll be so grateful, they'll work harder for a day or two (and then you can lynch another one). 3) Nig<i></i>ger dragging: Tie your nig<i></i>ger by one wrist to the tow bar on the back of suitable vehicle, then drive away at approximately 50mph. Your nig<i></i>ger's shrieks of enjoyment will be heard for miles. It will shriek until it falls apart. To prolong the fun for the nig<i></i>ger, do NOT drag him by his feet, as his head comes off too soon. This is painless for the nig<i></i>ger, but spoils the fun. Always wear a seatbelt and never exceed the speed limit. 4) Playing on the PNL: a variation on (2), except you can lynch your nig<i></i>ger out in the fields, thus saving work time. Nig<i></i>gers enjoy this game best if the PNL is operated by a man in a tall white hood. 5) Hunt the nig<i></i>ger: a variation of Hunt the Slipper, but played outdoors, with Dobermans. WARNING: do not let your Dobermans bite a nig<i></i>ger, as they are highly toxic.
== Continuity ==
* This story depicts the Great Intelligence travelling backwards through Alistair's timeline, as described in [[PROSE]]: {{cs|The Forgotten Son (novel)}}. At the climax, the Intelligence arrives in 1937, precipitating the events of ''The Forgotten Son''.


==DISPOSAL OF DEAD NIG<i></i>GERS.==
== External links ==
* [http://www.candy-jar.co.uk/books/files/Lethbridge-Stewart_Free_Download_A_Funny_Turn_Advent.pdf Download link] at [[Candy Jar Books]]
{{LS}}
{{Great Intelligence stories}}
{{TitleSort}}


Nig<i></i>gers die on average at around 40, which some might say is 40 years too late, but there you go. Most people prefer their nig<i></i>gers dead, in fact. When yours dies, report the license number of the car that did the drive-by shooting of your nig<i></i>ger. The police will collect the nig<i></i>ger and dispose of it for you.
==MY NIG<i></i>GER BITCHES ABOUT ITS "RIGHTS" AND "RACISM".==
Yeah, well, it would. Tell it to shut the fuck up.
==MY NIG<i></i>GER IS VERY AGGRESSIVE.==
Have it put down, for god's sake. Who needs an uppity nig<i></i>ger? What are we, short of nig<i></i>gers or something?
==MY NIG<i></i>GER KEEPS RAPING WHITE WOMEN.==
They all do this. Shorten your nig<i></i>ger's chain so it can't reach any white women, and arm heavily any white women who might go near it.
==WILL MY NIG<i></i>GER ATTACK ME?==
Not unless it outnumbers you 20 to 1, and even then, it's not likely. If nig<i></i>gers successfully overthrew their owners, they'd have to sort out their own food. This is probably why nig<i></i>ger uprisings were nonexistent (until some fool gave them rights).
==MY NIG<i></i>GER'S HIDE IS A FUNNY COLOR. WHAT IS THE CORRECT SHADE FOR A NIG<i></i>GER?==
A nig<i></i>ger's skin is actually more or less transparent. That brown color you can see is the shit your nig<i></i>ger is full of. This is why some models of nig<i></i>ger are sold as "The Shitskin".
==MY NIG<i></i>GER ACTS LIKE A NIG<i></i>GER, BUT IS WHITE.==
What you have there is a "wig<i></i>ger". Rough crowd.
==IS THAT LIKE AN ALBINO? ARE THEY RARE?==
They're as common as dog shit and about as valuable. In fact, one of them was President between 1992 and 2000. Put your wigger in a cage with a few hundred genuine nig<i></i>gers and you'll soon find it stops acting like a nig<i></i>ger. However, leave it in the cage and let the nig<i></i>gers dispose of it. The best thing for any wigger is a dose of TNB.
==MY NIG<i></i>GER SMELLS REALLY BAD.==
And you were expecting what?
==WHERE SHOULD I STORE MY DEAD NIG<i></i>GER?==
When you came in here, did you see a sign that said "Dead nig<i></i>ger storage"? That's because there ain't no goddamn sign.
[[Category:2018 short stories]]
[[Category:2018 short stories]]
[[Category:Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart short stories]]
[[Category:Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart short stories]]
[[Category:Lethbridge-Stewart short stories]]
[[Category:Lethbridge-Stewart short stories]]
[[Category:WEB short stories]]
[[Category:Web-based short stories]]
[[Category:Great Intelligence stories]]
[[Category:Great Intelligence short stories]]
[[Category:Stories that crossover with non-DWU series]]
[[Category:Stories set in 1957]]
[[Category:Stories set in 1937]]

Latest revision as of 10:58, 16 August 2024

RealWorld.png

prose stub

A Funny Turn was a free short story in the Lethbridge-Stewart series.

Plot[[edit] | [edit source]]

As a recently promoted captain in 1957, Lethbridge-Stewart and other soldiers mark the 148th anniversary of the Battle of Talavera: which means various regimental skits, with Alistair representing the Scots Guards with "The Amazing Alistair and Angus, the Talking Bearskin", before doing various games. The junior officers play a game of "mess rugby" and after successfully scoring a 'try' in the officer's mess, he has to quaff an unknown drink from the Cup (actually old regimental plate) in order for the Scots Guards to 'beat' the Grenadiers and Coldstream Guards. Lethbridge-Stewart duly wins.

When Alistair's ceremonial bearskin starts to move, the drunken soldiers assume he's doing a trick while he angrily thinks someone's pranking him. To everyone's shock, the bearskin bites Lieutenant Carson. The bearskin develops glowing red eyes and attacks Alistair; the officers are soon forced to take shelter from it behind the bar. Falling back on training, the confused Alistair clings to his training and fakes confidence in front of his sergeant, Munroe.

The drunken officers run through several plans and Hulland-Rumney (most senior and most sober) on using the mess hall's Russian sabres. Alistair is left out due to his bearskin-caused leg wound. Unfortunately, the bearskin hat continues to live despite being skewered. Munroe strikes it with a skewer and that causes a small silver sphere to abandon the bearskin - and start to roll away. Carson stamps on it until it breaks.

Everyone is left confused about whether this might be Russian and decide to guard the remains until it can be reported to a senior officer. Alistair is left depressed that his ceremonial bearskin is now irrepairable but Munroe lets him know these things happen, and the Quartermaster will quietly replace a bearskin in exchange for a bottle of good stuff. Fairfax tries to lighten the mood by joking it was lucky or Alistair he'd taken the bearskin to the party and not to his room as usual; realising that he would have been quietly killed if that had happened, Alistair throws up.

The Great Intelligence is cast out of 1957, enraged it has wasted energy on an elaborate plan that has failed. Next, it will strike at Lethbridge-Stewart before he has a chance to become a soldier.

Characters[[edit] | [edit source]]

Referenced only[[edit] | [edit source]]

Worldbuilding[[edit] | [edit source]]

Notes[[edit] | [edit source]]

  • The book cover shows Lethbridge-Stewart in contemporary dress uniform.
  • The reference to Captain Sharpe obtaining an Eagle was not a historical event but rather the plot of Sharpe's Eagle.

Continuity[[edit] | [edit source]]

  • This story depicts the Great Intelligence travelling backwards through Alistair's timeline, as described in PROSE: The Forgotten Son [+]Loading...["The Forgotten Son (novel)"]. At the climax, the Intelligence arrives in 1937, precipitating the events of The Forgotten Son.

External links[[edit] | [edit source]]

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