The Doctor's Guide to 2012 is a meta-fictional short story printed in DWA 249. The story is presented as an in-universe, month-by-month rundown from the Eleventh Doctor of events of the, from the reader's perspective, upcoming year.
Summary[[edit] | [edit source]]
In January, Earth is set to be invaded by tiny horses from outer space - so tiny, in fact, that nobody other than the Doctor would notice them. The creatures would return home happy after the Doctor gave them some tiny sugar lumps.
The usually-rubbish month of February would be "absolutely brilliant" because, for reasons scientist cannot explain, the entire month smells faintly of blackcurrant, except in Doncaster, where everything goes a lovely shade of orange.
In March, a meteor in the exact shape of Dermot O'Leary's face comes dangerously close to Earth. It burns up in the atmosphere until it is no bigger than a pea that looks just like Davina McCall.
April looks to be the most uneventful month in recorded history, until a Talking talking dog predicts the end of the world in May.
May would instead turn out to be a normal month, apart from the talking dogs, which are "suddenly everywhere".
11 June saw a huge Dalek invasion fleet land at the CERN nuclear laboratory in Switzerland. Before the Doctor could turn up to "give them what for", the scientists there accidentally create a black hole swallows up all the Daleks, as well as half of France. "Told you so", says a passing dog.
July is when the Olympics take place, with lots of people doing "runny, jumpy, throwy things" despite not even being chased by monsters. It would at least turn out to be good practice for escaping an outbreak of man-eating toasters at the end of the month.
The big fashion craze in August is clothes made out of fish, after Lady Gaga accidentally spills a tuna sandwich all down her front. Otherwise, bow ties are still cool, just like in every other year.
In September, something "so brilliantly amazing" and "amazingly brilliant" happens that the Doctor does not want to tell the reader, as their head would "literally explode".
In October, a whole week goes missing thanks to a timey-wimey catastrophe involving the Silence and an angry badger. The lost week is later found in North Wales, where the one man who lived through it describes it as "rainy".
The Doctor warns readers not to go swimming in November, unless they want to get eaten by "great big alien sea monsters, who have come to Earth for a relaxing holiday, and humans just happen to look exactly like their favourite Marmite-flavoured chewing gum.
In December, the Doctor wishes the reader a "Merry Christmas", and remarks how it's easy to get the years mixed up when you are a Time Lord, before talking about how, earlier that day, he wrote a guide to 2012, only to realise he had accidentally written the whole thing about 2013 instead.
Worldbuilding[[edit] | [edit source]]
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Notes[[edit] | [edit source]]
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Continuity[[edit] | [edit source]]
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