Rhubarb (audio story)

A small argument between a Sontaran and a Draconian escalates into an interstellar war. Who is manipulating events and can Bernice Summerfield avert disaster?

Plot[[edit] | [edit source]]

Secretary Pym tells Benny how Starll and Professor Altazar were playing war games with Draconian miniatures when Altazar started repeatedly and inexplicably saying the word "rhubarb". As babbling is seen is an insult to Sontarans, Starll was greatly offended and Pym tasks Benny with resolving the situation to ensure that there is no animosity in the Eternity Club. She looks for the pair in the walled garden, where she promises Derek that she will fetch his leaf mould spray as soon as she has completed her task, and finds Altazar in his rooms, celebrating the fact that he has successfully convinced the ex-Commissioner of Dralos to petition for the Draconians to declare war on Sontar. Although he does not realise it, he replaces several of his words with "rhubarb" and threatens war against Earth when Benny tries to point it out.

Whilst talking to Geren about the mysterious beekeeper in the walled garden, Benny catches Starll on his way to Altazar with bubble bath to help him relax ahead of the imminent war between Sontar and Draconia and finds that he has started saying "rhubarb" as well. Geren gossips about this to Grizella and soon she and 312 are also saying "rhubarb". The phenomenon spreads through the club and Pym alerts Benny to the nearby battleships of the Sontarans, Draconians and Drahvins, who are currently unaware of the whereabouts of the Eternity Club but could soon locate it with their scanners. After Pym is affected, Benny attempts to get the help of the Nurse, who privately wonders if the phenomenon is an attack by an enemy of the Oldest, and is advised to check the atmospheric toxicity levels. Benny wonders why she and Derek are immune and finds that Derek's leaf mould has advanced.

Benny dons Pym's beekeeping outfit, having learnt from Derek that he is the beekeeper, and gives Derek the leaf mould spray to get rid of the dark rhubarb that has been spouting from his roots. Derek explains that dark rhubarb's spores carry both the plant and the idea of the plant and Benny realises that he is inadvertently broadcasting it across his telepathic network, infecting everybody in the club. She too becomes infected, arms the clockwork butlers with sprays and puts the solution into the club's sprinklers to disinfect everyone at the cost of ruining the carpets, the cost of which Pym informs her will be added to her bill. Pym, who speculates that his scarlet sleeper bees might have brought the dark rhubarb spores into the club, also informs her that one person continues to say nothing but "rhubarb": Altazar. She destroys three of his miniatures to shock him out of it so he can ask the Draconian battleship to stand down and then fetches super glue.

Pym is visited by the Nurse and assures her that there will never be another breach of the Eternity Club's bio-filters, which the Nurse is pleased to hear. She has a job to do which she intends to see through.

Cast[[edit] | [edit source]]

Worldbuilding[[edit] | [edit source]]

Starll and Altazar play with Draconian miniatures in the billiards room.
Balzani Lizards are not carnivorous.
Sontaran dice have the maximum score on every side, so Starll and Altazar play with Draconian dice.
Altazar listens to Draconian song cylinders, which Benny claims he has promised to show to her.
Altazar wears a kimono.
Altazar speaks with the ex-Commissioner of Dralos.
Altazar has a copy of Down Among the Dead Men and has annotated it. Some of the notes are angry.
Altazar throws darts at a picture of Benny.
Altazar claims that Draconians do not get sick.
Starll takes lavender-scented bubble bath for Altazar.
Geren goes to speak with Grizella after Starll starts saying "rhubarb".
The Contessa has been drinking soap.
Benny considers setting up a quarantine beacon.
Benny once had had the Mire Beast mumps and was "howling for weeks".
The Eternity Club only supplies their carpets from New Turkey.
Pym keeps scarlet sleeper bees and believes they might have carried the spores.
Geren tells Benny that it is rumoured that Grizella used to put eyeballs in her mouth on the battlefield. This explains her ability fit a surprising number of grapes in her mouth.