Roland Rat: The Series Series 1, Episode Two (TV story)

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The second episode[nb 1] of the first series of Roland Rat: The Series produced by the BBC,[1][2] sometimes mistakenly identified as the third,[3] was broadcast on 13 September 1986.[1][2][4] The episode was notable for being a crossover with Doctor Who; it starred Colin Baker as the Sixth Doctor presenting continuity announcements for the in-universe series, as the series was shown to be a show-within-a-show.

Plot[[edit] | [edit source]]

The Sixth Doctor disdainfully introduces an episode of BBC3's Roland Rat: The Series, and then proceeds to inanely cry out "Yeeeaaah!" — Roland Rat's catchphrase.

Entering the Ratcave, Roland Rat enquires to Maureen if there have been any telephone calls. Maureen answers in the positive, but when asked if she had written it down, it is revealed that she only wrote the number of telephone calls down, not the actual substance of the calls.

Kevin the Gerbil enters and asks if Roland has the ratings for the previous episode. Roland asks Maureen to hand him the very important blue envelope, but it is revealed that she has deposited it in the rubbish bin. It is revealed that 7438000 people were watching. It is further revealed that Kevin has, in fact, read out the BBC's telephone number, and that the actual number of people watching was 20 million. This fact is celebrated by all present, until Roland realises that 20 million viewers is actually a very small number, proclaiming that "even EastEnders got more than that!". Maureen says that she never misses an episode of EastEnders, to which Roland tells her to shut up. D'Arcy De Farcey says that "the whole world is obsessed with soap operas", at which Roland decides that they are now a soap opera.

D'Arcy De Farcey, who is booed by the crowd as he walks on stage, then proceeds to introduce Roland Rat (whom he wrongly calls Raynard), and Roland comes on stage. He welcomes them to the Ratcave, and a train goes overhead, as they are underneath King's Cross station. He then says what's going to happen later on in the show, and introduces their cooking slot, presented by Maureen.

D'Arcy De Farcy's book.

Maureen begins to introduce the slot, but is interrupted by D'Arcy De Farcey, who wants to promote his new book, D'Arcy De Farcey's Secrets of the World's Greatest Chefs. He manages to sell several copies, before it is revealed that the book is in fact, completely blank. Maureen believes that it is entirely blank because they're secrets. Maureen says that what she is cooking is a surprise, then is surprised by a custard pie in the face from Ron Rat, aimed at Errol the Hamster.

Roland Rat then proceeds to introduce Curiosity Killed the Cat, who play their song Misfit.

Kevin then informs Roland that there are more ratings, and that four out of five people in China watch the show. A supposed "special message of thanks and support" in Chinese, as arranged by Kevin, goes up on the screen. It is then revealed that they have accidentally ordered Chinese takeaway.

Iris and Freddy, Roland's parents, sit on a bench in a park. Iris and Freddie then complain about Roland Rat going "Yeeeeaaah!" all the time. Iris wonders where he gets it from, then realises that Freddy does it as well. Freddy then protests that he does not, in fact go "Yeeeaaah!" but instead "Yay". Iris then wonders why Roland Rat is a superstar, because he doesn't dance or sing or juggle or anything else that could conceivably be construed as things that a superstar would do. She then goes on to conclude that Roland is a superstar because he goes "Yeeeaaah!", and that Freddy too can be a superstar if he goes "Yeeeaaah!". He attempts to go "Yeeeaaah!" but fails, and Iris tells him disappointedly that he isn't a superstar.

Roland Rat, back in the Ratcave, concludes that his parents are slightly embarrassing, and says that it's time for the new soap opera. Acting as their Official soap adviser is Wendy Richard from EastEnders, who knows all about soap through working in a laundrette, whom Roland interviews.

RatEnders.

The new soap opera, RatEnders, starts. Roland Rat asks Glenys the Guinea Pig to try and speak with a cockney accent, which she fails to do. In character, she then tells Roland that he is a mean and dreadful husband, as he is always looking at other guinea pigs. He, again in-character, replies that he is very cruel and ruthless, but fails to confirm that he looks at other guinea pigs, saying instead that other guinea pigs look at him because he is so handsome. He then tells Glenys to have a drink on the house, which Little Reggie misinterprets, and sprays drinks all over everyone. Errol then enters, asking if he's in it. Roland replies that he is, because they have to have customers. Errol notes that there aren't many in at the moment, to which Roland replies that they can't afford the extras, and that Errol will have to play a grumpy old man. Errol is worried that he won't be able to play a grumpy old man, at which Roland replies that he has great faith in Errol's acting abilities, and tells him that he'll have to have a cockney accent, which Errol tries and fails to do. Maureen, playing Glenda Jackson, notes that she can do a good cockney accent, at which the others object that she can't act. She says she can, and that she could play one of Roland's girlfriends, at which Roland objects, saying she isn't pretty enough, and says that she can play the beermat. Little Reggie, at Roland's behest, then sprays her with beer. Kevin then objects to playing a pregnant woman, at which Roland notes that somebody has to be pregnant, and Colin the Flea assures Kevin that he thinks that he's very attractive. Errol notes that it's very boring, and asks if anything ever happens in the soap opera, at which Roland notes that nothing ever happens in any of the others. Roland tells Glenys to have another nag at him, which she does. She tells him that she's fed up of him looking at other women, at which Roland, in-character objects that he doesn't even know any other women, at which several young women enter the pub. Glenys, still in-character, tells Dirty Roland that she is leaving him. Errol, somewhat bored, leaves as well. Kevin partially in-character, says that he'd better go off to have his baby. Little Reggie then sprays the young girls, and RatEnders ends.

Roland asks Wendy Richard what she thought of his acting ability, and, when she gives it a "0", he threatens her, so she changes it to a "10". Roland then says that it's the end of the show, thanks Richards, and the audience cheers.

After the credits, Roland notes that it was a brilliant show, and that RatEnders was a great idea of his. He imagines that the ratings will have gone right up, at which D'Arcy De Farcy reveals that, according to the preliminary audience reaction, everybody but one viewer had switched off, at which the solitary viewer switches off. Roland Rat notes that the reason RatEnders was a failure was due to everyone's bad acting. Kevin the Gerbil is then carried out by some paramedics, who believe that he is actually having a baby.

The Sixth Doctor is rudely awakened.

After the episode finishes, the Doctor is awoken by the prodding of a pole. He recaps the audience on what they had been watching, and then excitedly tells them to switch over to BBC1 to watch Doctor Who, which he refers to as "the series". Ron Rat jumps up, calling Doctor Who "rubbish" — an act for which the Doctor attempts to murder Ron, using a ray-gun he just happens to have on his person. Fortunately for Ron, the Doctor is a lousy shot.

Cast[[edit] | [edit source]]

Crew[[edit] | [edit source]]

References[[edit] | [edit source]]

Notes[[edit] | [edit source]]

Continuity[[edit] | [edit source]]

Footnotes[[edit] | [edit source]]

Notes[[edit] | [edit source]]

  1. ↑ Documentation of the series is scarce online, with the appearance of the Sixth Doctor not even being noted on many television listing pages. This Wiki has instead found that the performance of Curiosity Killed The Cat within this episode is attributed to episode 2 by several sources, so the Wiki has identified the episode as such.

Sources[[edit] | [edit source]]

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 Programme Index 13/09/1986 on genome.ch.bbc.co.uk
  2. ↑ 2.0 2.1 Roland Rat: The Series - Aired Order on TVDB
  3. ↑ Roland Rat on Qsulis
  4. ↑ From the Vaults: Colin Baker Era on millenniumeffect.co.uk
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