The Husbands of River Song (TV story): Difference between revisions
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== Plot == | == Plot == | ||
On [[Christmas Day]], [[5343]], on the [[human]] colony of [[Mendorax Dellora]], [[Nardole]] | On [[Christmas Day]], [[5343]], on the [[human]] colony of [[Mendorax Dellora]], a man named [[Nardole]] is searching through a town for something pictured on a piece of paper. He comes across the TARDIS, believing he's found what he was sent for; he knocks on the door, which has a sign saying "Carolers will be criticized." The Doctor opens the door, asking if there is something on his head; Nardole confirms that there are antlers on the Doctor's head. Closing the door, the Doctor yells at the TARDIS for trying to cheer him up with holographic antlers. | ||
An electronic hum comes from inside, and the Doctor thanks the TARDIS for listening to him. The door opens again, with the Doctor now lacking the antlers; he asks what Nardole wants. Nardole asks if he's a [[surgeon]]. The Doctor tells him that's close enough, inquiring if he needs one. Nardole confirms this, and begins walking away. He turns back to see the Doctor hasn't moved. The Doctor asks if there will be caroling where the emergency is, to which Nardole denies. Happy there will be no singing, the Doctor exits the TARDIS and locks the doors. | |||
The Doctor follows Nardole through town. Nardole explains they weren't sure where his "capsule" would land. The Doctor says it's a common thing for him, before stating he's had a bad day of "people turning into lizards" and a piano falling on him. Moments after they pass someone, an elderly man with a bag approaches and asks the person if they were looking for a surgeon. Clearly Nardole went the wrong way. | |||
[[File:Hydroflax's flying saucer.jpg|thumb|220x220px|Hydroflax's ship]] | [[File:Hydroflax's flying saucer.jpg|thumb|220x220px|Hydroflax's ship]] | ||
Nardole brings the Doctor to a crashed spaceship. A cloaked woman exits the ship, asking who the Doctor is. Noting the Doctor does not look like the surgeon's photos, the Doctor jokes that it's an [[regeneration|on-going problem]]. Sensing that the woman is familiar, the Doctor asks if they've met. She states they have not, removing her hood to reveal herself as [[River Song]]. Smiling, the Doctor says her name. River is shocked he knows her name, asking how he knows her. The Doctor laughs, stating it would take a flowchart; however, River doesn't take the hint. Nardole tells the Doctor that he must refer to her as Dr. Song, or Prof. Song. Annoyed, River tells them to never speak her true name again or she will remove their organs in alphabetical order. Amused, the Doctor asks which alphabet. River scowls and head back inside. | Nardole brings the Doctor to a crashed spaceship. A cloaked woman exits the ship, asking who the Doctor is. Noting the Doctor does not look like the surgeon's photos, the Doctor jokes that it's an [[regeneration|on-going problem]]. Sensing that the woman is familiar, the Doctor asks if they've met. She states they have not, removing her hood to reveal herself as [[River Song]]. Smiling, the Doctor says her name. River is shocked he knows her name, asking how he knows her. The Doctor laughs, stating it would take a flowchart; however, River doesn't take the hint. Nardole tells the Doctor that he must refer to her as Dr. Song, or Prof. Song. Annoyed, River tells them to never speak her true name again or she will remove their organs in alphabetical order. Amused, the Doctor asks which alphabet. River scowls and head back inside. | ||
Heading inside, the Doctor asks what the emergency is. River states that it's her husband. The Doctor is shocked, asking her to repeat that. River responds that her husband is dying. Stopping in his tracks, the Doctor is asked by Nardole if he's alright; not too pleased to hear River is married to someone other than him, the Doctor states "I'm going to need a bigger flowchart." | Heading inside, the Doctor asks what the emergency is. River states that it's her husband. The Doctor is shocked, asking her to repeat that. River responds that her husband is dying. Stopping in his tracks, the Doctor is asked by Nardole if he's alright; not too pleased to hear River is married to someone other than him, the Doctor states "I'm going to need a ''bigger'' flowchart." | ||
River leads him to her dying husband, [[King]] [[Hydroflax]]. To the Doctor's disgust, Hydroflax recalls having many romantic nights with River. Due to the guards being genetically-engineered to have anger problems and sentient laser swords, Nardole tells the Doctor to not do anything upsetting, like crossing his arms; the Doctor tells Nardole that he's got cross arms, crossing them anyway. River then tells Hydroflax that she called in the best surgeon in the universe to save his life. The Doctor quietly tells Nardole that he made a mistake and not to "make puddles". Seeing he has no choice but to help, the Doctor approaches to study the patient, being told bow in the king's presence. However, the Doctor states he cannot do so because of his back. The Doctor examines Hydroflax, determining that something is jammed in his head. River takes him to an adjacent room to discuss the operation | River leads him to her dying husband, [[King]] [[Hydroflax]]. To the Doctor's disgust, Hydroflax recalls having many romantic nights with River. Due to the guards being genetically-engineered to have anger problems and sentient laser swords, Nardole tells the Doctor to not do anything upsetting, like crossing his arms; the Doctor tells Nardole that he's got cross arms, crossing them anyway. River then tells Hydroflax that she called in the best surgeon in the universe to save his life. The Doctor quietly tells Nardole that he made a mistake and not to "make puddles". Seeing he has no choice but to help, the Doctor approaches to study the patient, being told bow in the king's presence. However, the Doctor states he cannot do so because of his back. The Doctor examines Hydroflax, determining that something is jammed in his head. River takes him to an adjacent room to discuss the operation. | ||
River shows the Doctor a holographic x-ray of Hydroflax's head, which reveals that the [[Halassi Androvar]], the most valuable diamond in the universe, has become lodged in Hydroflax's brain during a raid on the [[Halassi Vaults]] and is slowly killing him. Having been hired by the Halassi to recover the lost treasure, River posed as Hydroflax's nurse and pretended to love him; took less than a week for Hydroflax to propose to her. According to River, men will believe any story they are the hero of. River tells "the surgeon" to remove Hydroflax's entire head, considering it quicker and easier. ''"I'll kill the lights; you kill the patient."'' The Doctor is shocked | River shows the Doctor a holographic x-ray of Hydroflax's head, which reveals that the [[Halassi Androvar]], the most valuable diamond in the universe, has become lodged in Hydroflax's brain during a raid on the [[Halassi Vaults]] and is slowly killing him. Having been hired by the Halassi to recover the lost treasure, River posed as Hydroflax's nurse and pretended to love him; took less than a week for Hydroflax to propose to her. According to River, men will believe any story they are the hero of. River tells "the surgeon" to remove Hydroflax's entire head, considering it quicker and easier. ''"I'll kill the lights; you kill the patient."'' The Doctor is shocked, wondering if this is what she's like without him to keep her [[murder|homicidal]] tendencies in check. He states that he'll decide what needs to be done because he's the Doctor; however, River doesn't get this obvious hint. River states he reminds her of someone; the Doctor starts to describe his last incarnation, but River exclaims that it's her second wife that he reminds her of. [[File:Hydroflax.jpg|left|thumb|200x200px|Hydroflax learns of his wife's betrayal]] | ||
They are | They are surprised by Hydroflax, who has listened to their conversation. Hydroflax tells them that if they wanted his head, they should have just asked, promptly removing his head from his body; Hydroflax is truly nothing more than a head on a mechanical body. River notes she thought it was strange they never shared a bathroom. He demands to know who his wife really is; River tells him that she's Professor River Song, archaeologist hired to retrieve the diamond and give back to the people he's taken so much from. She's even got a [[sonic trowel]]. The robot body begin a closing in on River and the Doctor per Hydroflax's orders. However, River threatens Hydroflax's head with her trowel, causing the body to halt. Despite Hydroflax ordering his body to attack, its AI tells him to chill as there is a high probability Hydroflax will be harmed. River shoves Hydroflax in a gym bag she has, despite his protests that it smells; she radios her contact [[Ramone]], to teleport her and the Doctor. | ||
The two end up a foot above the snow and fall. Annoyed, River radios Ramone, telling him to work on the landings. Hearing Hydroflax threaten them, the Doctor bursts out laughing. River tells him its not funny; however the Doctor points out the ridiculousness of being threatened by a bag. They both laugh as Hydroflax continues to yell threats. The Doctor now thinks River was just messing with him, asking if she really does know who he is. River states that she does not, as Ramone arrives; River pulls him into a kiss. The Doctor wonders ''"doesn't [kissing] get boring? It's not a varied activity."'' River reveals Ramone is her (third) husband, whose memory she wiped of their marriage because he was getting annoying. The Doctor sarcastically asks if she's going to murder him as well. | The two end up a foot above the snow and fall. Annoyed, River radios Ramone, telling him to work on the landings. Hearing Hydroflax threaten them, the Doctor bursts out laughing. River tells him its not funny; however the Doctor points out the ridiculousness of being threatened by a bag. They both laugh as Hydroflax continues to yell threats. The Doctor now thinks River was just messing with him, asking if she really does know who he is. River states that she does not, as Ramone arrives; River pulls him into a kiss. The Doctor wonders ''"doesn't [kissing] get boring? It's not a varied activity."'' River reveals Ramone is her (third) husband, whose memory she wiped of their marriage because he was getting annoying. The Doctor sarcastically asks if she's going to murder him as well. | ||
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A knocking is heard on the door, with Ramone yelling for River. River opens the door to find Ramone's head on the robot body; apparently, the robot's answer to everything is to cut off someone's head and use it. It starts attacking, with the Doctor grabbing Hydroflax's head. He threatens to send Hydroflax down he trash shoot if he doesn't "get himself under control." This works, with River piloting the TARDIS to land in the starship ''Harmony and Redemption.'' To the Doctor's surprise, River pulls his hand instead of the other way around, leading him out of the baggage area and shutting the door behind them. | A knocking is heard on the door, with Ramone yelling for River. River opens the door to find Ramone's head on the robot body; apparently, the robot's answer to everything is to cut off someone's head and use it. It starts attacking, with the Doctor grabbing Hydroflax's head. He threatens to send Hydroflax down he trash shoot if he doesn't "get himself under control." This works, with River piloting the TARDIS to land in the starship ''Harmony and Redemption.'' To the Doctor's surprise, River pulls his hand instead of the other way around, leading him out of the baggage area and shutting the door behind them. | ||
[[File:Flemming bigger.jpg|left|thumb| | [[File:Flemming bigger.jpg|left|thumb|192x192px|Flemming sees River arrive]] | ||
River meets the Maître d', Flemming, who has met her before; apparently, his children have eaten their mother in a "lovely ceremony" and are still digesting her. River asks him to deadlock seal the baggage hold, reminding him of the trouble it caused when he didn't during the last time when she was transporting dragon eggs. Haunted by the very memory, Flemming tells her it will be done; the doors are locked just as the robot pounds on them to get out. | River meets the Maître d', Flemming, who has met her before; apparently, his children have eaten their mother in a "lovely ceremony" and are still digesting her. River asks him to deadlock seal the baggage hold, reminding him of the trouble it caused when he didn't during the last time when she was transporting dragon eggs. Haunted by the very memory, Flemming tells her it will be done; the doors are locked just as the robot pounds on them to get out. | ||
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Seeing how dense she's been, River tells him he'll be doing his roots, as the Doctor taunts her with the romantic poetry she used to describe her love for him; she then tells him she was just buying time until "it" happens. The robot body tells them to stop talking, but is ignored. River asks the Doctor where the safest place would be if a meteor strike were to hit, and the Doctor tells her right where they are as it doubles as an escape route. Flemming asks what she means as the speakers announce he meteors' arrival; he asks River how she could have known. Smiling her usual dark smirk, River tells him that she's the archaeologist that dug his remains up in the future. The meteors hit and the floor gives way, allowing the Doctor and River to flee into the lower floor. | Seeing how dense she's been, River tells him he'll be doing his roots, as the Doctor taunts her with the romantic poetry she used to describe her love for him; she then tells him she was just buying time until "it" happens. The robot body tells them to stop talking, but is ignored. River asks the Doctor where the safest place would be if a meteor strike were to hit, and the Doctor tells her right where they are as it doubles as an escape route. Flemming asks what she means as the speakers announce he meteors' arrival; he asks River how she could have known. Smiling her usual dark smirk, River tells him that she's the archaeologist that dug his remains up in the future. The meteors hit and the floor gives way, allowing the Doctor and River to flee into the lower floor. | ||
River tells the Doctor that she bought a guide book that tells her when a restaurant will be destroyed; therefore, as a time traveller, she can get a free meal, as long as she doesn't go to the same place twice and create a paradox. The Doctor asks River if she likes his new body, to which she says she hasn't seen properly yet; however, she then wonders how he has a thirteenth one, as he ran out of regenerations. He tells her that a thing happened, to which she knows is the usual with him. The diamond falls down towards them, with River catching it in her dress. | River tells the Doctor that she bought a guide book that tells her when a restaurant will be destroyed; therefore, as a time traveller, she can get a free meal (akin to a dine-and-dash), as long as she doesn't go to the same place twice and create a paradox. The Doctor asks River if she likes his new body, to which she says she hasn't seen properly yet; however, she then wonders how he has a thirteenth one, as he ran out of regenerations. He tells her that a thing happened, to which she knows is the usual with him. The diamond falls down towards them, with River catching it in her dress. | ||
Hydroflax's body arrives to take the Doctor's head; the Doctor tells River to go stop the crash while he deals with this moron. The robot body cannot comprehend that even if it gets the Doctor's head, it won't survive the crash. Seeing the orb Scratch gave River, the Doctor grabs it and tells the robot that all kings need money. It demands he demonstrate. | Hydroflax's body arrives to take the Doctor's head; the Doctor tells River to go stop the crash while he deals with this moron. The robot body cannot comprehend that even if it gets the Doctor's head, it won't survive the crash. Seeing the orb Scratch gave River, the Doctor grabs it and tells the robot that all kings need money. It demands he demonstrate. With a manic smile, the Doctor attaches it the base of the robot's neck and the A.I. begins sputtering randomly. "Welcome to the best [[Firewall|firewal]]ls in the universe. '''Nothing''' is protected like money." The robot garbles that it doesn't understand, to which the Doctor says is the same for everyone else. "He had a bad day at the bank." the Doctor tells an employee as he laughs at his own jokes and runs to join River. | ||
In the bridge, the Doctor finds the crew gone and River working at the controls. They start arguing over the marriages that the other had; the Doctor married [[Marilyn Monroe]] and [[Cleopatra]], while River married [[Hydroflax]],. [[Ramone]] and [[Steven Fry]]. While the ship is crashing, River realises that they are heading towards the planet Darillium. River remembers that he always promised to take her there to see the Singing Towers, but always canceled at the last minute. The Doctor retorts "I'll make sure to give them a wave as we pass by." Trying to save River, the Doctor tricks her into being teleported back to the TARDIS. However, she pilots it back to him. As they have entered the planet's atmosphere, they give up on saving the ship and take shelter in the TARDIS. The resulting impact of the crash knocks River unconscious. | In the bridge, the Doctor finds the crew gone and River working at the controls. They start arguing over the marriages that the other had; the Doctor married [[Marilyn Monroe]] and [[Cleopatra]], while River married [[Hydroflax]],. [[Ramone]] and [[Steven Fry]]. While the ship is crashing, River realises that they are heading towards the planet Darillium. River remembers that he always promised to take her there to see the Singing Towers, but always canceled at the last minute. The Doctor retorts "I'll make sure to give them a wave as we pass by." Trying to save River, the Doctor tricks her into being teleported back to the TARDIS. However, she pilots it back to him. As they have entered the planet's atmosphere, they give up on saving the ship and take shelter in the TARDIS. The resulting impact of the crash knocks River unconscious. | ||
Seeing that the universe is telling him to finally have his last night with River, the Doctor decides to give in to the inevitable. After travelling to the next morning, the Doctor suggests to a man searching for survivors of the crash that he build a restaurant where they're standing, with a view of the Singing Towers, and gives him the diamond to fund its construction. Travelling forwards in time once again, the Doctor enters the now-built restaurant and books the table on the balcony for Christmas Day in four years' time. The Doctor doesn't mind as he can just jump to the date of his reservation. | |||
When River awakes, she exist the TARDIS and is told by the receptionist that the Doctor is waiting for her. Changing for the occasion, River asks if they have a good table, to which she is told is the best in the house. To her shock, River runs into Hydroflax's body, now peacefully controlled by the heads of Ramone and Nardole; thanks to the Doctor attaching the orb to the robot, the A.I. was deleted in a bank merger. The body was pulled from the wreckage and the two of them have been working as a waiter in the restaurant since then. River shows attraction to Ramone's new body, but is told to calm down by the Doctor, who has arrived in a new suit. | When River awakes, she exist the TARDIS and is told by the receptionist that the Doctor is waiting for her. Changing for the occasion, River asks if they have a good table, to which she is told is the best in the house. To her shock, River runs into Hydroflax's body, now peacefully controlled by the heads of Ramone and Nardole; thanks to the Doctor attaching the orb to the robot, the A.I. was deleted in a bank merger. The body was pulled from the wreckage and the two of them have been working as a waiter in the restaurant since then. River shows attraction to Ramone's new body, but is told to calm down by the Doctor, who has arrived in a new suit. | ||
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[[File:River_and_Twelve_Happy.jpg|thumb|"And they both lived happily ever after"]] | [[File:River_and_Twelve_Happy.jpg|thumb|"And they both lived happily ever after"]] | ||
River begs him to find a way around this event, but he insists there's no way to avoid the end of their times together and refuses to tell River the future. They both discuss the fleeting nature of things, River pointing out that "happily ever after" does not mean "forever", just "time". Fearful that not much time is left before they part, River asks how long a night on Darillium is. Smiling, the Doctor informs her that one night on Darillium lasts for twenty-four years. Overjoyed, River once more tells the Doctor, "I hate you." He again replies, "No, you don't." As the two smile at each other | River begs him to find a way around this event, but he insists there's no way to avoid the end of their times together and refuses to tell River the future. They both discuss the fleeting nature of things, River pointing out that "happily ever after" does not mean "forever", just "time"; it doesn't have to be much, just a little extra. Fearful that not much time is left before they part, River asks how long a night on Darillium is. Smiling, the Doctor informs her that one night on Darillium lasts for twenty-four years. Overjoyed, River once more tells the Doctor, "I hate you." He again replies, "No, you don't." As the two smile at each other | ||
The words "And they both lived happily ever after" are displayed on-screen. Little by little, the message dissolves into gusts of snow, becoming more truthful as it gets reduced to "And they both lived happily", then only "happily", until it has all been swept away. | The words "And they both lived happily ever after" are displayed on-screen. Little by little, the message dissolves into gusts of snow, becoming more truthful as it gets reduced to "And they both lived happily", then only "happily", until it has all been swept away. | ||
