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| ==INSTALL YOUR NIG<i></i>GER.== | | {{title dab away}} |
| | {{real world}} |
| | {{ImageLinkComics}} |
| | {{Infobox Story |
| | |image= DWA CS 185 The Steel Web.jpg |
| | |series=[[DWA comic stories]] |
| | |number=185 |
| | |doctor= Eleventh Doctor |
| | |companions= [[Amy Pond|Amy]] |
| | |enemy= [[Cyborg Spider]]s |
| | |setting= [[Pomarius]] |
| | |writer= [[Steve Lyons]] |
| | |artist= [[John Ross]] |
| | |colourist= [[Alan Craddock]] |
| | |letterer= |
| | |editor= [[Moray Laing]] |
| | |publication= [[DWA 185]] |
| | |release date= [[23 September (releases)|23 September]] [[2010 (releases)|2010]] |
| | |publisher= BBC Magazines |
| | |format= Comic - 1 parts (4 pages) |
| | |prev=The Purrfect Crime (comic story) |
| | |next= In the Can (comic story) |
| | }} |
| | '''''The Steel Web''''' was a [[Doctor Who Adventures comic stories|''Doctor Who Adventures'' comic story]] featuring the [[Eleventh Doctor]] and [[Amy Pond]]. |
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| You should install your nig<i></i>ger differently according to whether you have purchased the field or house model. Field nig<i></i>gers work best in a serial configuration, i.e. chained together. Chain your nig<i></i>ger to another nig<i></i>ger immediately after unpacking it, and don't even think about taking that chain off, ever. Many nig<i></i>gers start singing as soon as you put a chain on them. This habit can usually be thrashed out of them if nipped in the bud. House nig<i></i>gers work best as standalone units, but should be hobbled or hamstrung to prevent attempts at escape. At this stage, your nig<i></i>ger can also be given a name. Most owners use the same names over and over, since nig<i></i>gers become confused by too much data. Rufus, Rastus, Remus, Toby, Carslisle, Carlton, Hey-You!-Yes-you!, Yeller, Blackstar, and Sambo are all effective names for your new buck nig<i></i>ger. If your nig<i></i>ger is a ho, it should be called Latrelle, L'Tanya, or Jemima. Some owners call their nig<i></i>ger hoes Latrine for a joke. Pearl, Blossom, and Ivory are also righteous names for nig<i></i>ger hoes. These names go straight over your nig<i></i>ger's head, by the way.
| | == Summary == |
| | The Eleventh Doctor and Amy Pond are en route to see the beautiful orchards of [[Pomarius]] when the TARDIS gets trapped in a giant metal [[Cyborg Spider|spider]] web. The Doctor arms himself and begins cutting through the web. Amy notices someone trapped in the web. The Doctor frees the captive and they retreat inside the TARDIS. |
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| ==CONFIGURE YOUR NIG<i></i>GER.==
| | The newcomer is called [[Heldan]], a farmer on Pomarius. His people created the cyborg spiders to help deal with an attack by fruit flies. However the spiders got out of control and spun their web across the whole planet. |
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| Owing to a design error, your nig<i></i>ger comes equipped with a tongue and vocal chords. Most nig<i></i>gers can master only a few basic human phrases with this apparatus - "muh dick" being the most popular. However, others make barking, yelping, yapping noises and appear to be in some pain, so you should probably call a vet and have him remove your nig<i></i>ger's tongue. Once de-tongued your nig<i></i>ger will be a lot happier - at least, you won't hear it complaining anywhere near as much. Nig<i></i>gers have nothing interesting to say, anyway. Many owners also castrate their nig<i></i>gers for health reasons (yours, mine, and that of women, not the nig<i></i>ger's). This is strongly recommended, and frankly, it's a mystery why this is not done on the boat.
| | The spiders are programmed to hunt fruit flies, so the Doctor makes up a foul smelling purple mixture and "pours it into the engines", making the TARDIS smell like fruit flies. When the TARDIS takes off, the spiders are drawn into space, heading for an uninhabited world where they can spin their web without harming anyone. |
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| ==HOUSE YOUR NIG<i></i>GER.== | | == Characters == |
| | * [[Eleventh Doctor]] |
| | * [[Amy Pond]] |
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| Your nig<i></i>ger can be accommodated in cages with stout iron bars. Make sure, however, that the bars are wide enough to push pieces of nig<i></i>ger food through. The rule of thumb is, four nig<i></i>gers per square yard of cage. So a fifteen foot by thirty foot nig<i></i>ger cage can accommodate two hundred nig<i></i>gers. You can site a nig<i></i>ger cage anywhere, even on soft ground. Don't worry about your nig<i></i>ger fashioning makeshift shovels out of odd pieces of wood and digging an escape tunnel under the bars of the cage. Nig<i></i>gers never invented the shovel before and they're not about to now. In any case, your nig<i></i>ger is certainly too lazy to attempt escape. As long as the free food holds out, your nig<i></i>ger is living better than it did in Africa, so it will stay put. Buck nig<i></i>gers and hoe nig<i></i>gers can be safely accommodated in the same cage, as bucks never attempt sex with black hoes.
| | == References == |
| | ''to be added'' |
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| ==FEED YOUR NIG<i></i>GER.== | | == Notes == |
| | * The DWA comic strip adventures were aimed at a younger audience and the artwork and colours were bold and bright, reflecting the tone of the magazine. |
| | * Self contained, one part stories were the norm. |
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| Your Nig<i></i>ger likes fried chicken, corn bread, and watermelon. You should therefore give it none of these things because its lazy ass almost certainly doesn't deserve it. Instead, feed it on porridge with salt, and creek water. Your nig<i></i>ger will supplement its diet with whatever it finds in the fields, other nig<i></i>gers, etc. Experienced nig<i></i>ger owners sometimes push watermelon slices through the bars of the nig<i></i>ger cage at the end of the day as a treat, but only if all nig<i></i>gers have worked well and nothing has been stolen that day. Mike of the Old Ranch Plantation reports that this last one is a killer, since all nig<i></i>gers steal something almost every single day of their lives. He reports he doesn't have to spend much on free watermelon for his nig<i></i>gers as a result. You should never allow your nig<i></i>ger meal breaks while at work, since if it stops work for more than ten minutes it will need to be retrained. You would be surprised how long it takes to teach a nig<i></i>ger to pick cotton. You really would. Coffee beans? Don't ask. You have no idea.
| | === Original print details === |
| | : Publication with page count and closing captions |
| | # [[DWA 185]] (4 pages) NEXT WEEK – The Doctor and Amy deal with some freaky food |
| | * No reprints to date. |
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| ==ENTERTAIN YOUR NIG<i></i>GER.== | | == Continuity == |
| | ''to be added'' |
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| Your nig<i></i>ger enjoys play, like most animals, so you should play with it regularly. A happy smiling nig<i></i>ger works best. Games nig<i></i>gers enjoy include: 1) A good thrashing: every few days, take your nig<i></i>ger's pants down, hang it up by its heels, and have some of your other nig<i></i>gers thrash it with a club or whip. Your nig<i></i>ger will signal its intense enjoyment by shrieking and sobbing. 2) Lynch the nig<i></i>ger: nig<i></i>gers are cheap and there are millions more where yours came from. So every now and then, push the boat out a bit and lynch a nig<i></i>ger.
| | {{Eleventh Doctor DWA comics}} |
| | {{TitleSort}} |
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| Lynchings are best done with a rope over the branch of a tree, and nig<i></i>gers just love to be lynched. It makes them feel special. Make your other nig<i></i>gers watch. They'll be so grateful, they'll work harder for a day or two (and then you can lynch another one). 3) Nig<i></i>ger dragging: Tie your nig<i></i>ger by one wrist to the tow bar on the back of suitable vehicle, then drive away at approximately 50mph. Your nig<i></i>ger's shrieks of enjoyment will be heard for miles. It will shriek until it falls apart. To prolong the fun for the nig<i></i>ger, do NOT drag him by his feet, as his head comes off too soon. This is painless for the nig<i></i>ger, but spoils the fun. Always wear a seatbelt and never exceed the speed limit. 4) Playing on the PNL: a variation on (2), except you can lynch your nig<i></i>ger out in the fields, thus saving work time. Nig<i></i>gers enjoy this game best if the PNL is operated by a man in a tall white hood. 5) Hunt the nig<i></i>ger: a variation of Hunt the Slipper, but played outdoors, with Dobermans. WARNING: do not let your Dobermans bite a nig<i></i>ger, as they are highly toxic.
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| ==DISPOSAL OF DEAD NIG<i></i>GERS.==
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| Nig<i></i>gers die on average at around 40, which some might say is 40 years too late, but there you go. Most people prefer their nig<i></i>gers dead, in fact. When yours dies, report the license number of the car that did the drive-by shooting of your nig<i></i>ger. The police will collect the nig<i></i>ger and dispose of it for you.
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| ==MY NIG<i></i>GER BITCHES ABOUT ITS "RIGHTS" AND "RACISM".==
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| Yeah, well, it would. Tell it to shut the fuck up.
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| ==MY NIG<i></i>GER IS VERY AGGRESSIVE.==
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| Have it put down, for god's sake. Who needs an uppity nig<i></i>ger? What are we, short of nig<i></i>gers or something?
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| ==MY NIG<i></i>GER KEEPS RAPING WHITE WOMEN.==
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| They all do this. Shorten your nig<i></i>ger's chain so it can't reach any white women, and arm heavily any white women who might go near it.
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| ==WILL MY NIG<i></i>GER ATTACK ME?==
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| Not unless it outnumbers you 20 to 1, and even then, it's not likely. If nig<i></i>gers successfully overthrew their owners, they'd have to sort out their own food. This is probably why nig<i></i>ger uprisings were nonexistent (until some fool gave them rights).
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| ==MY NIG<i></i>GER'S HIDE IS A FUNNY COLOR. WHAT IS THE CORRECT SHADE FOR A NIG<i></i>GER?==
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| A nig<i></i>ger's skin is actually more or less transparent. That brown color you can see is the shit your nig<i></i>ger is full of. This is why some models of nig<i></i>ger are sold as "The Shitskin".
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| ==MY NIG<i></i>GER ACTS LIKE A NIG<i></i>GER, BUT IS WHITE.==
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| What you have there is a "wig<i></i>ger". Rough crowd.
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| ==IS THAT LIKE AN ALBINO? ARE THEY RARE?==
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| They're as common as dog shit and about as valuable. In fact, one of them was President between 1992 and 2000. Put your wigger in a cage with a few hundred genuine nig<i></i>gers and you'll soon find it stops acting like a nig<i></i>ger. However, leave it in the cage and let the nig<i></i>gers dispose of it. The best thing for any wigger is a dose of TNB.
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| ==MY NIG<i></i>GER SMELLS REALLY BAD.==
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| And you were expecting what?
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| ==WHERE SHOULD I STORE MY DEAD NIG<i></i>GER?==
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| When you came in here, did you see a sign that said "Dead nig<i></i>ger storage"? That's because there ain't no goddamn sign.
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| [[Category:Eleventh Doctor DWA comic stories]] | | [[Category:Eleventh Doctor DWA comic stories]] |
| [[Category:2010 comic stories]] | | [[Category:2010 comic stories]] |
