Roland Rat: The Series Series 1, Episode Two (TV story)

	Roland Rat
	Sixth Doctor, Ron Rat
	The Ratcave, King's Cross station, 1986
	David Claridge, Colin Bostock-Smith, John Cangoon, Sean Carton, David Tomlinson
	Marcus Mortimer
	Marcus Mortimer
	Comedy
	13 September 1986
	1x25 minute episode

The second episode of the first series of Roland Rat: The Series produced by the BBC, sometimes mistakenly identified as the third, was broadcast on 13 September 1986. The episode was notable for being a crossover with Doctor Who; it starred Colin Baker as the Sixth Doctor presenting continuity announcements for the in-universe series, as the series was shown to be a show-within-a-show.

Plot

The Sixth Doctor disdainfully introduces an episode of BBC3's Roland Rat: The Series, and then proceeds to inanely cry out "Yeeeaaah!" — Roland Rat's catchphrase.

Entering the Ratcave, Roland Rat enquires to Maureen if there have been any telephone calls. Maureen answers in the positive, but when asked if she had written it down, it is revealed that she only wrote the number of telephone calls down, not the actual substance of the calls.

Kevin the Gerbil enters and asks if Roland has the ratings for the previous episode. Roland asks Maureen to hand him the very important blue envelope, but it is revealed that she has deposited it in the rubbish bin. It is revealed that 7438000 people were watching. It is further revealed that Kevin has, in fact, read out the BBC's telephone number, and that the actual number of people watching was 20 million. This fact is celebrated by all present, until Roland realises that 20 million viewers is actually a very small number, proclaiming that "even EastEnders got more than that!". Maureen says that she never misses an episode of EastEnders, to which Roland tells her to shut up. D'Arcy De Farcey says that "the whole world is obsessed with soap operas", at which Roland decides that they are now a soap opera.

D'Arcy De Farcey, who is booed by the crowd as he walks on stage, then proceeds to introduce Roland Rat (whom he wrongly calls Raynard), and Roland comes on stage. He welcomes them to the Ratcave, and a train goes overhead, as they are underneath King's Cross station. He then says what's going to happen later on in the show, and introduces their cooking slot, presented by Maureen.

Maureen begins to introduce the slot, but is interrupted by D'Arcy De Farcey, who wants to promote his new book, D'Arcy De Farcey's Secrets of the World's Greatest Chefs. He manages to sell several copies, before it is revealed that the book is in fact, completely blank. Maureen believes that it is entirely blank because they're secrets. Maureen says that what she is cooking is a surprise, then is surprised by a custard pie in the face from Ron Rat, aimed at Errol the Hamster.

Roland Rat then proceeds to introduce Curiosity Killed the Cat, who play their song Misfit.

Kevin then informs Roland that there are more ratings, and that four out of five people in China watch the show. A supposed "special message of thanks and support" in Chinese, as arranged by Kevin, goes up on the screen. It is then revealed that they have accidentally ordered Chinese takeaway.

Iris and Freddy, Roland's parents, sit on a bench in a park. Iris and Freddie then complain about Roland Rat going "Yeeeeaaah!" all the time. Iris wonders where he gets it from, then realises that Freddy does it as well. Freddy then protests that he does not, in fact go "Yeeeaaah!" but instead "Yay". Iris then wonders why Roland Rat is a superstar, because he doesn't dance or sing or juggle or anything else that could conceivably be construed as things that a superstar would do. She then goes on to conclude that Roland is a superstar because he goes "Yeeeaaah!", and that Freddy too can be a superstar if he goes "Yeeeaaah!". He attempts to go "Yeeeaaah!" but fails, and Iris tells him disappointedly that he isn't a superstar.

Roland Rat, back in the Ratcave, concludes that his parents are slightly embarrassing, and says that it's time for the new soap opera. Acting as their Official soap adviser is Wendy Richard from EastEnders, who knows all about soap through working in a laundrette, whom Roland interviews.

The new soap opera, RatEnders, starts. Roland Rat asks Glenys the Guinea Pig to try and speak with a cockney accent, which she fails to do. In character, she then tells Roland that he is a mean and dreadful husband, as he is always looking at other guinea pigs. He, again in-character, replies that he is very cruel and ruthless, but fails to confirm that he looks at other guinea pigs, saying instead that other guinea pigs look at him because he is so handsome. He then tells Glenys to have a drink on the house, which Little Reggie misinterprets, and sprays drinks all over everyone. Errol then enters, asking if he's in it. Roland replies that he is, because they have to have customers. Errol notes that there aren't many in at the moment, to which Roland replies that they can't afford the extras, and that Errol will have to play a grumpy old man. Errol is worried that he won't be able to play a grumpy old man, at which Roland replies that he has great faith in Errol's acting abilities, and tells him that he'll have to have a cockney accent, which Errol tries and fails to do. Maureen, playing Glenda Jackson, notes that she can do a good cockney accent, at which the others object that she can't act. She says she can, and that she could play one of Roland's girlfriends, at which Roland objects, saying she isn't pretty enough, and says that she can play the beermat. Little Reggie, at Roland's behest, then sprays her with beer. Kevin then objects to playing a pregnant woman, at which Roland notes that somebody has to be pregnant, and Colin the Flea assures Kevin that he thinks that he's very attractive. Errol notes that it's very boring, and asks if anything ever happens in the soap opera, at which Roland notes that nothing ever happens in any of the others. Roland tells Glenys to have another nag at him, which she does. She tells him that she's fed up of him looking at other women, at which Roland, in-character objects that he doesn't even know any other women, at which several young women enter the pub. Glenys, still in-character, tells Dirty Roland that she is leaving him. Errol, somewhat bored, leaves as well. Kevin partially in-character, says that he'd better go off to have his baby. Little Reggie then sprays the young girls, and RatEnders ends.

Roland asks Wendy Richard what she thought of his acting ability, and, when she gives it a "0", he threatens her, so she changes it to a "10". Roland then says that it's the end of the show, thanks Richards, and the audience cheers.

After the credits, Roland notes that it was a brilliant show, and that RatEnders was a great idea of his. He imagines that the ratings will have gone right up, at which D'Arcy De Farcy reveals that, according to the preliminary audience reaction, everybody but one viewer had switched off, at which the solitary viewer switches off. Roland Rat notes that the reason RatEnders was a failure was due to everyone's bad acting. Kevin the Gerbil is then carried out by some paramedics, who believe that he is actually having a baby.

After the episode finishes, the Doctor is awoken by the prodding of a pole. He recaps the audience on what they had been watching, and then excitedly tells them to switch over to BBC1 to watch Doctor Who, which he refers to as "the series". Ron Rat jumps up, calling Doctor Who "rubbish" — an act for which the Doctor attempts to murder Ron, using a ray-gun he just happens to have on his person. Fortunately for Ron, the Doctor is a lousy shot.

Cast

• Sixth Doctor - Colin Baker
• Maureen - Anna Karen
• D'Arcy De Farcey - James Saxon
• Ben Volpeliere-Pierrot - himself
• Julian Godfrey Brookhouse - himself
• Nick Thorpe - himself
• Migi Drummond - himself
• Wendy Richard - herself
• Voice of Roland Rat, Ron Rat, Kevin the Gerbil, Errol the Hamster, Little Reggie, Fergie the Ferret, Glenis the Guinea Pig, Colin the Flea, Iris and Freddy - David Claridge

Crew

• Puppeteers - Louise Gold, Anne Prior, Leslie Herbert, Maggie Danylewycz, Darryl Worbey, John Blundall
• Writer - David Claridge, Colin Bostock-Smith, John Cangoon, Sean Carton, David Tomlinson
• Director - Marcus Mortimer
• Producer - Marcus Mortimer
• Music - Matt Aitken, Mike Stock, Pete Waterman
• Cameraman - Dave Grey
• Sound recordist - Doug Mawson
• Film editor - Nick Hutchings
• Properties buyer - Bob Warans
• Graphic design - Iain Greenway, Simon Everson
• Vision effects designer - Malcolm James
• Camera supervisor - Spencer Payne
• Technical Co-ordinators - Jeff Jeffery, Terry Wild
• Vision Mixer - Angela Beveridge
• VT Editors - Peter Bird, Mykola Pawlock
• Make-up designer - Cecile Hay-Arthur
• Costume designer - Ken Trew
• Production assistant - Claire Sharp
• Assistant floor manager - Simon Spencer
• Sound - Bob Foley, Len Shorey
• Lighting - Henry Barber, Graham Aimmington
• Production manager - Nick Fiveash
• Designer - Grenville Horner, Donal Woods
• Executive producer - Michael Hurll

References

• The Doctor compares the Dalek, Cybermen, and even "Wogan from the planet Shepherd's Bush" and green slimy things to Roland Rat: The Series.
• According to Kevin the Gerbil, there are 4,684,356,738 people in the world.
• D'Arcy De Farcey considers Roland Rat to be "a legend in his own lifetime", and one of the most caring, sensitive performers he knows, apart from Bob Monkhouse.
• Wendy Richard believes that the secret to a good soap opera is having someone like her in it.
• Roland Rat never misses an episode of EastEnders.
• Fergie the Ferret cannot stand a cheap opening title sequence.
• According to several individuals, nothing ever happens in EastEnders.

Notes

• The story was broadcast in conjunction with The Trial of a Time Lord, with the Doctor wearing his stripy waistcoat and yellow star-speckled necktie from Terror of the Vervoids.
• The entirety of the episode takes place in a then-fictional BBC Three, despite the series actually airing on BBC One.
• RatEnders is a parody of EastEnders.

Continuity

• This story is not the first to depict the Doctor Who series existing in-universe, having been depicted in in many sources released both before and after this episode.

Footnotes

Sources

Category:Stories that crossover with non-DWU series Category:1986 television stories Category:Sixth Doctor television stories Category:Stories about Doctor Who