User:Shambala108/Sandbox2: Difference between revisions

From Tardis Wiki, the free Doctor Who reference
No edit summary
m (Reverting spam or vandalism)
 
Line 1: Line 1:
=THE NIG<i></i>GER OWNER'S MANUAL=
*[[Missing Adventures (anthology)|Missing Adventures]]: [[Biology Lesson on Mal Oreille]]
*[[Missing Adventures (anthology)|Missing Adventures]]: [[The Evacuation of Bernice Summerfield Considered as a Short Film by Terry Gilliam]]
*[[Missing Adventures (anthology)|Missing Adventures]]: [[The Tunnels to Heaven]]
*[[Something Changed (anthology)|Something Changed]]: [[Walking Backwards for Christmas (short story)|Walking Backwards for Christmas]]
*[[Old Friends (anthology)|Old Friends]]: [[The Soul's Prism (short story)|The Soul's Prism]]
*[[Prelude Sanctuary (short story)|Prelude Sanctuary]]
*[[Missing Adventures (anthology)|Missing Adventures]]: [[Benny and Louise (short story)|Benny and Louise]]
*[[Something Changed (anthology)|Something Changed]]: [[Walking Backwards for Christmas (short story)|Walking Backwards for Christmas]]
*[[Missing Adventures (anthology)|Missing Adventures]]: [[Charged (short story)|Charged]]
*[[Secret Histories (anthology)|Secret Histories]]: [[A Game of Soldiers (short story)|A Game of Soldiers]]
*[[Old Friends (anthology)|Old Friends]]: [[The Ship of Painted Shadows (short story)|The Ship of Painted Shadows]]
*[[The Dead Men Diaries (anthology)|The Dead Men Diaries]]: [[Steal from the World (short story)|Steal from the World]]
*[[Missing Adventures (anthology)|Missing Adventures]]: [[Prime Five (short story)|Prime Five]]
*[[Prelude Sanctuary (short story)|Prelude Sanctuary]]
*[[Missing Adventures (anthology)|Missing Adventures]]: [[Home (BFBS short story)|Home]]
*[[Missing Adventures (anthology)|Missing Adventures]]: [[The Slight Façade (short story)|The Slight Façade]]
*[[Missing Adventures (anthology)|Missing Adventures]]: [[Bernice Summerfield and the Library of Books (short story)|Bernice Summerfield and the Library of Books]]
*[[Missing Adventures (anthology)|Missing Adventures]]: [[Postcards from the Edge of Reason (short story)|Postcards from the Edge of Reason]]
*[[Missing Adventures (anthology)|Missing Adventures]]: [[Blood on the Tracks (short story)|Blood on the Tracks]]
*[[Secret Histories (anthology)|Secret Histories]]: [[Cooker Island (short story)|Cooker Island]]
*[[Missing Adventures (anthology)|Missing Adventures]]: [[Thirty Love (short story)|Thirty Love]]
*[[Love and War (novel)]]
*[[Decalog 3: Consequences]]: [[Continuity Errors]]
*[[Short Trips: A Day in the Life]]: [[How You Get There]]
*[[All-Consuming Fire (novel)]]
*[[Short Trips: Zodiac]]: [[Virgin Lands (short story)|Virgin Lands]]
*[[Short Trips: Steel Skies]]: [[Cold War (short story)|Cold War]]
*[[A Life of Surprises (anthology)|A Life of Surprises]]: [[And Then Again (short story)|And Then Again]]
*[[Short Trips: Past Tense]]: [[Of the Mermaid and Jupiter (short story)|Of the Mermaid and Jupiter]]
*[[Decalog 2: Lost Property]]: [[The Trials of Tara]]
*[[The Also People (novel)]]
*[[Short Trips: Seven Deadly Sins]]: [[Too Rich for My Blood (short story)|Too Rich for My Blood]]
*[[Death and Diplomacy (novel)]]
*[[Happy Endings (novel)]]
*[[Return of the Living Dad (novel)]]
*[[Decalog 5: Wonders]]: [[The Judgement of Solomon (short story)|The Judgement of Solomon]]
*[[Eternity Weeps (novel)]]
*[[Oh No It Isn't! (novel)]]
*[[Beyond the Sun (novel)]]
*[[A Life of Surprises (anthology)|A Life of Surprises]]: [[The Spartacus Syndrome (short story)|The Spartacus Syndrome]]
*[[Deadfall (novel)]]
*[[Mean Streets (novel)]]
*[[Walking to Babylon (novel)]]
*[[Oblivion (novel)]]
*[[Beige Planet Mars (novel)]]
*[[The Mary-Sue Extrusion (novel)]]
*[[Tears of the Oracle (novel)]]
*[[The Joy Device (novel)]]
*[[Twilight of the Gods (BNA novel)]]
*[[The Dead Men Diaries (anthology)|The Dead Men Diaries]]: [[A Question of Identity (short story)|A Question of Identity]]
*[[The Dead Men Diaries (anthology)|The Dead Men Diaries]]: [[Steal from the World (short story)|Steal from the World]]
*[[The Dead Men Diaries (anthology)|The Dead Men Diaries]]: [[The Light that Never Dies (short story)|The Light that Never Dies]]
*[[The Squire's Crystal (novel)]]
*[[The Dead Men Diaries (anthology)|The Dead Men Diaries]]: [[Heart of Glass (short story)|Heart of Glass]]
*[[The Dead Men Diaries (anthology)|The Dead Men Diaries]]: [[The Monster and the Archaeologists (short story)|The Monster and the Archaeologists]]
*[[The Dead Men Diaries (anthology)|The Dead Men Diaries]]: [[Step Back in Time (short story)|Step Back in Time]]
*[[The Dead Men Diaries (anthology)|The Dead Men Diaries]]: [[The Door into Bedlam (short story)|The Door into Bedlam]]
*[[The Dead Men Diaries (anthology)|The Dead Men Diaries]]: [[The Least Important Man (short story)|The Least Important Man]]
*[[The Dead Men Diaries (anthology)|The Dead Men Diaries]]: [[Digging up the Past (short story)|Digging up the Past]]
*[[The Dead Men Diaries (anthology)|The Dead Men Diaries]]: [[The Dead Men Diaries (short story)|The Dead Men Diaries]]
*[[The Infernal Nexus (novel)]]
*[[A Life of Surprises (anthology)|A Life of Surprises]]: [[Dear Friend (short story)|Dear Friend]]
*[[The Glass Prison (novel)]]
*[[The Dead Men Diaries (anthology)|The Dead Men Diaries]]: [[Christmas Spirit (short story)|Christmas Spirit]]
*[[A Life of Surprises (anthology)|A Life of Surprises]]: [[Kill the Mouse! (short story)|Kill the Mouse!]]
*[[A Life of Surprises (anthology)|A Life of Surprises]]: [[Solar Max and the Seven-Handed Snake-Mother (short story)|Solar Max and the Seven-Handed Snake-Mother]]
*[[A Life of Surprises (anthology)|A Life of Surprises]]: [[A Mutual Friend (short story)|A Mutual Friend]]
*[[A Life of Surprises (anthology)|A Life of Surprises]]: [[Alien Planets and You (short story)|Alien Planets and You]]
*[[A Life of Surprises (anthology)|A Life of Surprises]]: [[Something Broken (short story)|Something Broken]]
*[[A Life of Surprises (anthology)|A Life of Surprises]]: [[The Collection (short story)|The Collection]]
*[[A Life of Surprises (anthology)|A Life of Surprises]]: [[Setting Stone (short story)|Setting Stone]]
*[[A Life of Surprises (anthology)|A Life of Surprises]]: [[Time's Team (short story)|Time's Team]]
*[[A Life of Surprises (anthology)|A Life of Surprises]]: [[Beedlemania (short story)|Beedlemania]]
*[[A Life of Surprises (anthology)|A Life of Surprises]]: [[The All-Seeing Eye (short story)|The All-Seeing Eye]]
*[[A Life of Surprises (anthology)|A Life of Surprises]]: [[A la Recherche du Temps Perdu (short story)|A la Recherche du Temps Perdu]]
*[[A Life of Surprises (anthology)|A Life of Surprises]]: [[Squadborronfell (short story)|Squadborronfell]]
*[[A Life of Surprises (anthology)|A Life of Surprises]]: [[Taken by the Muses (short story)|Taken by the Muses]]
*[[A Life of Surprises (anthology)|A Life of Surprises]]: [[Might (short story)|Might]]
*[[Life During Wartime (anthology)]]
*[[Short Trips: A Christmas Treasury]]: [[...Be Forgot (short story)|...Be Forgot]]
*[[A Life Worth Living (anthology)]]
*[[Secret Histories (anthology)|Secret Histories]]: [[You Shouldn't Have (short story)|You Shouldn't Have]]
*[[Secret Histories (anthology)|Secret Histories]]: [[Turn the Light On (short story)|Turn the Light On]]
*[[Parallel Lives (anthology)|Parallel Lives]]: [[The Serpent's Tooth (short story)|The Serpent's Tooth]]
*[[Parallel Lives (anthology)|Parallel Lives]]: [[Hiding Places (short story)|Hiding Places]]
*[[Parallel Lives (anthology)|Parallel Lives]]: [[Jason and the Pirates (short story)|Jason and the Pirates]]


==INSTALL YOUR NIG<i></i>GER.==
*[[Something Changed (anthology)|Something Changed]]: [[Inappropriate Laughter (short story)|Inappropriate Laughter]]
You should install your nig<i></i>ger differently according to whether you have purchased the field or house model. Field nig<i></i>gers work best in a serial configuration, i.e. chained together. Chain your nig<i></i>ger to another nig<i></i>ger immediately after unpacking it, and don't even think about taking that chain off, ever. Many nig<i></i>gers start singing as soon as you put a chain on them. This habit can usually be thrashed out of them if nipped in the bud. House nig<i></i>gers work best as standalone units, but should be hobbled or hamstrung to prevent attempts at escape. At this stage, your nig<i></i>ger can also be given a name. Most owners use the same names over and over, since nig<i></i>gers become confused by too much data. Rufus, Rastus, Remus, Toby, Carslisle, Carlton, Hey-You!-Yes-you!, Yeller, Blackstar, and Sambo are all effective names for your new buck nig<i></i>ger. If your nig<i></i>ger is a ho, it should be called Latrelle, L'Tanya, or Jemima. Some owners call their nig<i></i>ger hoes Latrine for a joke. Pearl, Blossom, and Ivory are also righteous names for nig<i></i>ger hoes. These names go straight over your nig<i></i>ger's head, by the way.
*[[Something Changed (anthology)|Something Changed]]: [[Siege Mentality (short story)|Siege Mentality]]
 
*[[Something Changed (anthology)|Something Changed]]: [[Dead Mice (short story)|Dead Mice]]
==CONFIGURE YOUR NIG<i></i>GER.==
*[[Something Changed (anthology)|Something Changed]]: [[Acts of Senseless Devotion (short story)|Acts of Senseless Devotion]]
Owing to a design error, your nig<i></i>ger comes equipped with a tongue and vocal chords. Most nig<i></i>gers can master only a few basic human phrases with this apparatus - "muh dick" being the most popular. However, others make barking, yelping, yapping noises and appear to be in some pain, so you should probably call a vet and have him remove your nig<i></i>ger's tongue. Once de-tongued your nig<i></i>ger will be a lot happier - at least, you won't hear it complaining anywhere near as much. Nig<i></i>gers have nothing interesting to say, anyway. Many owners also castrate their nig<i></i>gers for health reasons (yours, mine, and that of women, not the nig<i></i>ger's). This is strongly recommended, and frankly, it's a mystery why this is not done on the boat.
*[[Something Changed (anthology)|Something Changed]]: [[Walking Backwards for Christmas (short story)|Walking Backwards for Christmas]]
 
*[[Something Changed (anthology)|Something Changed]]: [[Match of the Deity (short story)|Match of the Deity]]
==HOUSE YOUR NIG<i></i>GER.==
*[[Something Changed (anthology)|Something Changed]]: [[Night of the Living Martian (short story)|Night of the Living Martian]]
Your nig<i></i>ger can be accommodated in cages with stout iron bars. Make sure, however, that the bars are wide enough to push pieces of nig<i></i>ger food through. The rule of thumb is, four nig<i></i>gers per square yard of cage. So a fifteen foot by thirty foot nig<i></i>ger cage can accommodate two hundred nig<i></i>gers. You can site a nig<i></i>ger cage anywhere, even on soft ground. Don't worry about your nig<i></i>ger fashioning makeshift shovels out of odd pieces of wood and digging an escape tunnel under the bars of the cage. Nig<i></i>gers never invented the shovel before and they're not about to now. In any case, your nig<i></i>ger is certainly too lazy to attempt escape. As long as the free food holds out, your nig<i></i>ger is living better than it did in Africa, so it will stay put. Buck nig<i></i>gers and hoe nig<i></i>gers can be safely accommodated in the same cage, as bucks never attempt sex with black hoes.
*[[Something Changed (anthology)|Something Changed]]: [[The God Gene (short story)|The God Gene]]
 
*[[Something Changed (anthology)|Something Changed]]: [[Writing in Green (short story)|Writing in Green]]
==FEED YOUR NIG<i></i>GER.==
*[[Something Changed (anthology)|Something Changed]]: [[Showing Initiative (short story)|Showing Initiative]]
Your Nig<i></i>ger likes fried chicken, corn bread, and watermelon. You should therefore give it none of these things because its lazy ass almost certainly doesn't deserve it. Instead, feed it on porridge with salt, and creek water. Your nig<i></i>ger will supplement its diet with whatever it finds in the fields, other nig<i></i>gers, etc. Experienced nig<i></i>ger owners sometimes push watermelon slices through the bars of the nig<i></i>ger cage at the end of the day as a treat, but only if all nig<i></i>gers have worked well and nothing has been stolen that day. Mike of the Old Ranch Plantation reports that this last one is a killer, since all nig<i></i>gers steal something almost every single day of their lives. He reports he doesn't have to spend much on free watermelon for his nig<i></i>gers as a result. You should never allow your nig<i></i>ger meal breaks while at work, since if it stops work for more than ten minutes it will need to be retrained. You would be surprised how long it takes to teach a nig<i></i>ger to pick cotton. You really would. Coffee beans? Don't ask. You have no idea.
*[[Something Changed (anthology)|Something Changed]]: [[A Murderous Desire (short story)|A Murderous Desire]]
 
*[[Something Changed (anthology)|Something Changed]]: [[Back and There Again (short story)|Back and There Again]]
==ENTERTAIN YOUR NIG<i></i>GER.==
*[[Something Changed (anthology)|Something Changed]]: [[One of My Turns (short story)|One of My Turns]]
Your nig<i></i>ger enjoys play, like most animals, so you should play with it regularly. A happy smiling nig<i></i>ger works best. Games nig<i></i>gers enjoy include: 1) A good thrashing: every few days, take your nig<i></i>ger's pants down, hang it up by its heels, and have some of your other nig<i></i>gers thrash it with a club or whip. Your nig<i></i>ger will signal its intense enjoyment by shrieking and sobbing. 2) Lynch the nig<i></i>ger: nig<i></i>gers are cheap and there are millions more where yours came from. So every now and then, push the boat out a bit and lynch a nig<i></i>ger.
*[[Something Changed (anthology)|Something Changed]]: [[The Ice Garden (short story)|The Ice Garden]]
 
*[[Something Changed (anthology)|Something Changed]]: [[Family Man (short story)|Family Man]]
Lynchings are best done with a rope over the branch of a tree, and nig<i></i>gers just love to be lynched. It makes them feel special. Make your other nig<i></i>gers watch. They'll be so grateful, they'll work harder for a day or two (and then you can lynch another one). 3) Nig<i></i>ger dragging: Tie your nig<i></i>ger by one wrist to the tow bar on the back of suitable vehicle, then drive away at approximately 50mph. Your nig<i></i>ger's shrieks of enjoyment will be heard for miles. It will shriek until it falls apart. To prolong the fun for the nig<i></i>ger, do NOT drag him by his feet, as his head comes off too soon. This is painless for the nig<i></i>ger, but spoils the fun. Always wear a seatbelt and never exceed the speed limit. 4) Playing on the PNL: a variation on (2), except you can lynch your nig<i></i>ger out in the fields, thus saving work time. Nig<i></i>gers enjoy this game best if the PNL is operated by a man in a tall white hood. 5) Hunt the nig<i></i>ger: a variation of Hunt the Slipper, but played outdoors, with Dobermans. WARNING: do not let your Dobermans bite a nig<i></i>ger, as they are highly toxic.
*[[Something Changed (anthology)|Something Changed]]: [[After Life (short story)|After Life]]
 
*[[Collected Works (anthology)]]
==DISPOSAL OF DEAD NIG<i></i>GERS.==
*[[Old Friends (anthology)|Old Friends]]: [[Cheating the Reaper (short story)|Cheating the Reaper]]
Nig<i></i>gers die on average at around 40, which some might say is 40 years too late, but there you go. Most people prefer their nig<i></i>gers dead, in fact. When yours dies, report the license number of the car that did the drive-by shooting of your nig<i></i>ger. The police will collect the nig<i></i>ger and dispose of it for you.
*[[Old Friends (anthology)|Old Friends]]: [[The Soul's Prism (short story)|The Soul's Prism]]
 
*[[Nobody's Children (anthology)]]
==MY NIG<i></i>GER BITCHES ABOUT ITS "RIGHTS" AND "RACISM".==
*[[Secret Histories (anthology)|Secret Histories]]: [[The Song of Old Man Bunyip (short story)|The Song of Old Man Bunyip]]
Yeah, well, it would. Tell it to shut the fuck up.
*[[Secret Histories (anthology)|Secret Histories]]: [[Redacted (short story)|Redacted]]
 
*[[Secret Histories (anthology)|Secret Histories]]: [[A Gallery of Pigeons (short story)|A Gallery of Pigeons]]/[[The Firing Squad (short story)|The Firing Squad]]/ [[The Illuminated Man (short story)|The Illuminated Man]]
==MY NIG<i></i>GER IS VERY AGGRESSIVE.==
*[[Secret Histories (anthology)|Secret Histories]] (framing narrative)
Have it put down, for god's sake. Who needs an uppity nig<i></i>ger? What are we, short of nig<i></i>gers or something?
*[[Present Danger (anthology)]]
 
*[[A Life of Surprises (anthology)|A Life of Surprises]]: [[The Shape of the Hole (short story)|The Shape of the Hole]]
==MY NIG<i></i>GER KEEPS RAPING WHITE WOMEN.==
They all do this. Shorten your nig<i></i>ger's chain so it can't reach any white women, and arm heavily any white women who might go near it.
 
==WILL MY NIG<i></i>GER ATTACK ME?==
Not unless it outnumbers you 20 to 1, and even then, it's not likely. If nig<i></i>gers successfully overthrew their owners, they'd have to sort out their own food. This is probably why nig<i></i>ger uprisings were nonexistent (until some fool gave them rights).
 
==MY NIG<i></i>GER'S HIDE IS A FUNNY COLOR. WHAT IS THE CORRECT SHADE FOR A NIG<i></i>GER?==
A nig<i></i>ger's skin is actually more or less transparent. That brown color you can see is the shit your nig<i></i>ger is full of. This is why some models of nig<i></i>ger are sold as "The Shitskin".
 
==MY NIG<i></i>GER ACTS LIKE A NIG<i></i>GER, BUT IS WHITE.==
What you have there is a "wig<i></i>ger". Rough crowd.
 
==IS THAT LIKE AN ALBINO? ARE THEY RARE?==
They're as common as dog shit and about as valuable. In fact, one of them was President between 1993 and 2001. Put your wig<i></i>ger in a cage with a few hundred genuine nig<i></i>gers and you'll soon find it stops acting like a nig<i></i>ger. However, leave it in the cage and let the nig<i></i>gers dispose of it. The best thing for any wig<i></i>ger is a dose of TNB.
 
==MY NIG<i></i>GER SMELLS REALLY BAD.==
And you were expecting what?
 
==WHERE SHOULD I STORE MY DEAD NIG<i></i>GER?==
When you came in here, did you see a sign that said "Dead nig<i></i>ger storage"? That's because there ain't no goddamn sign.

Latest revision as of 04:27, 6 September 2020

Retrieved from "https://tardis.wiki/w/index.php?title=User:Shambala108/Sandbox2&oldid=3004643"