The Husbands of River Song (TV story): Difference between revisions

In ''[[The Time of Angels]]'', River stated that she had "all [the Doctor's] faces". This is proven true, for the Doctor's original regeneration cycle at least; this even included a picture of the War Doctor, whom the Ninth, Tenth and Eleventh Doctors all tried to keep buried in their memories of the [[Last Great Time War|Time War]].

They take off with Nardole explaining that they weren't sure where his "capsule" would land. The Doctor states it's a common thing for him, before stating he's had a bad day of "people turning into lizards" and a piano falling on him. As they pass the street, an elderly man with a bag asks a citizen if they were looking for a surgeon; obviously Nardole went the wrong way. Nardole brings the Doctor to a crashed spaceship.

 

A cloaked woman exits the ship, asking who the Doctor is. Noting the Doctor does not look like the surgeon's photos, the Doctor jokes that it's an [[regeneration|on-going problem]]. Sensing that the woman is familiar, the Doctor asks if they've met. She states they have not, removing her hood to reveal herself as [[River Song]]. Smiling, the Doctor says her name. River is shocked he knows her name, asking how he knows her. The Doctor laughs, stating it would take a flowchart; however, River doesn't take the hint. Nardole tells the Doctor that he must refer to her as Dr. Song, or Prof. Song. Annoyed, River tells them to never speak her true name again or she will remove their organs in alphabetical order. Amused, the Doctor asks which alphabet. River scowls and head back inside.

River leads him to her dying husband, [[King]] [[Hydroflax]]. To the Doctor's disgust, Hydroflax recalls having many romantic nights with River. Due to the guards being genetically-engineered to have anger problems and sentient laser swords, Nardole tells the Doctor to not do anything upsetting, like crossing his arms; the Doctor tells Nardole that he's got cross arms, crossing them anyway. River then tells Hydroflax that she called in the best surgeon in the universe to save his life.

 

The Doctor tells Nardole that he made a mistake, quietly; he tells him not to "make puddles". Seeing he has no choice by to help, the Doctor approaches to study the patient, being told bow in the king's presence. However, the Doctor states he cannot do so because of his back. He examines Hydroflax, determining that something is jammed in his head. River takes him to an adjacent room to discuss the operation he is supposed to be performing.

River shows the Doctor a holographic x-ray of Hydroflax's head, which reveals that the [[Halassi Androvar]], the most valuable diamond in the universe, has become lodged in Hydroflax's brain during a raid on the [[Halassi Vaults]] and is slowly killing him. Having been hired by the Halassi to recover the lost treasure, River posed as Hydroflax's nurse and pretended to love him. River wants "the surgeon" to remove Hydroflax's entire head, considering it quicker and easier. "I'll kill the lights; you kill the patient." The Doctor is shocked by River's behaviour, wondering if this is what she's like without him to keep her homicidal tendencies in check. He states that he'll decide what needs to be done because he's the Doctor; however, River doesn't get this obvious hint about his identity. Instead, River states he reminds her of someone; the Doctor starts to describe his last incarnation, but River exclaims that it's her second wife that he reminds her of. [[File:Hydroflax.jpg|left|thumb|200x200px|Hydroflax learns of his wife's betrayal]]

They are interrupted by Hydroflax who has listened to their conversation. Hydroflax reveals he is nothing more than a head on a mechanical body. River notes she thought it was strange they never shared a bathroom. He demands to know who his wife really is; River tells him that she's Professor River Song, archaeologist hired to retrieve the diamond and give back to the people he's taken so much from. She's even got a [[sonic trowel]]. The robot body begin a closing in on River and the Doctor per Hydroflax's orders. However, River threatens Hydroflax's head with her trowel, causing the body to hault. Despite Hydroflax ordering his body to attack, its AI tells him to chill as there is a high probability Hydroflax will be harmed. River shoves Hydroflax in a smelly gym bag she has, despite his protests; she radios her contact [[Ramone]], to teleport her and the Doctor.

The two end up a foot above the snow and fall. Annoyed, River radios Ramone, telling him to work on the landings. Hearing Hydroflax threaten them, the Doctor bursts out laughing. River tells him its not funny; however the Docotr point out the ridiculousness of being threatened by a bag. They both laugh as Hydroflax continues tonyell threats. The Doctor now thinks River was just messing with him, asking if she really does know who he is. River states that she does not, as Ramone arrives; River pulls him into a kiss. The Doctor wonders "doesn't [kissing] get boring? It's not a varied activity." River reveals Ramone is her (third) husband, whose memory she wiped of their marriage because he was getting annoying. The Doctor sarcastically asks if she's going to murder him as well.

Inside the TARDIS, River preps things for taking off; the Doctor suggests several buttons, which she explains don't help pilot. The Doctor learns to his shock that one button actually causes the waste tanks on Deck 7 to be released. Deciding to avoid Deck 7 for a while, the Doctor watches as River tries to take off; however, the TARDIS refuses to budge. With her confused, the Doctor reveals that the "real time" envelope cannot be sealed as the TARDIS registers Hydroflax as inside and outside at the same time, due to the head's life-support being connected with the robot body (though some exceptions like Capatin Jack and Clara were possible in the past, as they were holding onto the TARDIS). Being called good for a doctor, the Doctor is annoyed River still hasn't figured it out.

A man with a large scar across his face walks up to them asking for Song. Introducing himself as [[Scratch]], a representative of [[Shoal of the Winter Harmony]], he is silenced by River, who asks if he's empowered to purchase. They squabble over showing the merchandise or the payment. Scratch pulls the right side of his head open, removing an orb; disgusted, the Doctor tells him that he shouldn"t be doing that where people eat. Scratch explains that the orb connects to every bank in the universe; once given commands, it will give River any amount of payment she desires. Happy, River gives him the bag, telling Scratch he might need a spoon to dig for the diamond. Annoyed, Scratch reveals that he filled the meeting point with members of his own species to ensure honest transaction.

Back in the dining room, River and the Doctor discover that Scratch and his compatriots worship King Hydroflax and are after the diamond in his honour. Despite attempts to hide the bagged head containing the diamond, they are forced to reveal the truth to create a distraction. Though it's considered heresy to try paying for the king, the Doctor laughs "He can't be much of a king if you can't put [[bounty|a price on his head]]." They toss Hydroflax away and flee, only to be stopped by Flemming. The robot body enters, with Hydroflax happy he will be whole soon; however, the body stops short and scans him. The brain damage is now beyond recovery. Hydroflax orders his body to do whatever it takes to save him; it comes to the wrong conclusion that it needs a new head and disintegrates Hydroflax, leaving the diamond behind.

River is asked for the whereabouts of the Doctor, to which she truthfully doesn't know. The robot confirms it with a scan. However, Flemming believes that putting the Doctor's consort in danger will draw him in. However, River snaps at him; though she loves the Doctor, he never once said that he loved her. River tells them to scan for two hearts and stupid clothes, but they won't find him. The Doctor tries telling River who he is, but stops when River tells them the Doctor is above falling in love; ''"You don't expect a sunset to admire you back. When you love the Doctor, it's like loving the stars themselves."'' She then adds that he wouldn't be sentimental enough to be stuck in this situation with her. Breathing heavily from venting her feelings, River notices the Doctor's steady gaze and mild smirk. She gives a confused look, to which he says "Hello, sweetie."  

Seeing how dense she's been, River tells him he'll be doing his roots, as the Doctor taunts her with the romantic poetry she used to describe her love for him; she then tells him she was just buying time until "it" happens. The robot body tells them to stop talking. River asks the Doctor where the safest place would be if a meteor strike were to hit, and the Doctor tells her right where they are as it doubles as an escape route. Flemming asks what she means as the speakers announce he meteors' arrival; he asks River how she could have known. Smiling her usual dark smirk, River tells him that she's the archaeologist that dug his remains up in the future. The meteors hit and the floor gives way, allowing the Doctor and River to flee into the lower floor.

Hydroflax's body arrives to take the Doctor's head; the Doctor tells River to go stop the crash while he deals with this moron. The robot body cannot comprehend that even if it gets the Doctor's head, it won't survive the crash. Seeing the orb Scratch gave River, the Doctor grabs it and tells the robot that all kings need money. It demands he demonstrate. The Doctor attaches it the base of the robot's neck and the A.I. begins sputtering randomly. "Welcome to the best firewalls in the universe. Nothing is protected like money." The robot garbles that it doesn't understand, to which the Doctor says is the same for everyone else. "He had a bad day at the bank." the Doctor tells an employee as he laughs at his own jokes and runs to join River.

In the bridge, the Doctor finds the crew gone and River working at the controls. They start arguing over the marriages that the other had; the Doctor married [[Marilyn Monroe]] and [[Cleopatra]], while River married [[Hydroflax]],. [[Ramone]] and Steven Fry. While the ship is crashing, River realises that they are heading towards the planet Darillium. River remembers that he always promised to take her there to see the Singing Towers, but always canceled at the last minute. The Doctor retorts "I'll make sure to give them a wave as we pass by." Trying to save River, the Doctor tricks her into being teleported back to the TARDIS. However, she pilots it back to him. As they have entered the planet's atmosphere, they give up on saving the ship and take shelter in the TARDIS. The resulting impact of the crash knocks River unconscious.