Swipe Right (audio story)
Swipe Right was the first story in the audio anthology Star-Crossed, produced by Big Finish Productions. It was written by John Dorney and featured Christopher Eccleston as the Ninth Doctor and Alex Kingston as River Song.
Publisher's summary
There are strange rumours about the planet Crell. People have been vanishing. The mysterious Matchmaker is keen to get the populace paired up via his special dating app… but rejecting too many suitors can have fatal consequences.
It's precisely the sort of thing the Doctor would want to investigate. But unfortunately it's also precisely the sort of thing River Song would want to investigate too. The Doctor and River are on a collision course - but this time it might not be a match made in heaven.
Plot
The Doctor arrives at Barclay and Natalie's restaurant on Crell and is seated with Beth when he pretends to be meeting someone given that, like all other restaurants on Crell, they only serve couples. He pretends to be Julien, her date, and learns from her that the disappearances on the planet are due to the Matchmaker. She begrudgingly takes a napkin with his telephone number on when she leaves and, after the Doctor heads to the TARDIS to investigate the Matchmaker, River arrives and briefly speaks with the real Julien. River too is looking into the Matchmaker and assumes that Julien is being hyperbolic when he tells her that he will die if the date does not work out. Once she leaves, Barclay and Natalie report that the date was a failure despite Julien begging them not to and robots go after him and Beth.
River flees with Julien to his flat after retrieving her diary, having left it behind, and the Doctor saves Beth in the TARDIS when she calls him for help. Beth explains how the Matchmaker's dating app forces people into relationships under pain of death and that she accidentally passed her limit of rejecting suitors due to her not wanting to burden anybody with her asexuality, prompting the Doctor to try to match with her to keep her safe just as River tries to do with Julien. However, the system recognises that the two time travellers are married and the confused Doctor flies the TARDIS to River to find out who she is. He saves her and Julien from the robots and refuses to believe that he will marry River in a future incarnation, instead reasoning that she has been lying to get his attention. She claims that he is correct.
The Doctor pilots the TARDIS to the Matchmaker's headquarters and heads to the executive office whilst River uses her gun to hold back the pursuing robots. They learn that the Matchmaker, a computer, wiped out Crell's government when they decided to stop it implementing its plan to maximise productivity by pair-bonding the workforce, something that the Doctor plans to prove is not necessary by wiring Beth to a deep part of its programming. Beth shoots this down as she does feel romantic attraction, but River arrives and points out that this incarnation of the Doctor does not feel such attraction. By wiring himself to the system, the Matchmaker realises that it has made a mistake and deactivates itself due to it having diminished the workforce by killing people.
The Doctor returns to the restaurant to tell Barclay and Natalie that they are now able to separate and no longer have to be miserable together, only to learn that they entered into a relationship five years before the Matchmaker's creation and are in love despite their constant arguing. He bids farewell to River, Beth and Julien and departs. River is upset at the Doctor's disinterest in her but remembers that he will feel differently in the future and leaves using her vortex manipulator. Alone with Beth, Julien invites her to dinner; she declines.
Cast
- The Doctor - Christopher Eccleston
- River Song - Alex Kingston
- Bethany - Francesca Mills
- Julien - Tom Neenan
- Barclay / The Matchmaker - David Holt
- Natalie / Jessica - Beth Chalmers
Worldbuilding
- Paul is 37, works in finance and has a photograph in which he is posing next to a sedated marsh tiger.
- Graham is 46.
- Matt is 35 and works in education. He exercises.
- Natalie likes her steak well done. Barclay disapproves.
- Natalie is a restaurant manager.
- The Doctor mentions that Herman Melville once stowed away with him.
- The Doctor has seen the original stage production of Fiddler on the Roof.
- According to River, champagne which does not come from the Champagne region of the Crab Nebula is just sparkling wine.
- Michael is 41.
- Beth is asexual.
- River mentions a robot on Distrana Maxima who "knew how to treat a lady".
- The Matchmaker does not support infidelity.
- River says that she is not attracted to fish despite what Jim thinks.
Notes
- Swipe Right was recorded in March 2023.
- John Dorney originally began developing Swipe Right, named as a reference to Turn Left, for Donna Noble: Kidnapped!; however, Out of this World featured speed dating and Dorney instead wrote Spinvasion.[1]
Continuity
- The Doctor mentions that some of his best friends were robots. (TV: The Invisible Enemy [+]Loading...["The Invisible Enemy (TV story)"], The King's Demons [+]Loading...["The King's Demons (TV story)"])
External links
- Official Swipe Right page at bigfinish.com
