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{{real world}}
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{{Infobox Story
{{Infobox Story SMW
|novelisation of = The Krikkitmen (TV story)
|novelisation of = The Krikkitmen (TV story)
|image          = Doctor Who and the Krikkitmen (novelisation).jpg
|image          = Doctor Who and the Krikkitmen (novelisation).jpg
Line 7: Line 7:
|number          = 5
|number          = 5
|doctor          = Fourth Doctor
|doctor          = Fourth Doctor
|companions      = [[Romana II]], [[K9 Mark II]]
|companions      = [[K9 Mark II]], [[Romana II]]
|featuring      = [[Borusa]]
|featuring      = [[Borusa]]
|enemy          = [[Krikkitman|Krikkitmen]]
|enemy          = [[Krikkitman|Krikkitmen]], [[Hactar]], [[First Great War TARDIS|War TARDIS]]
|setting        =  
|setting        =  
|writer          = [[James Goss]]
|writer          = James Goss
|read by        = [[Dan Starkey]]
|read by        = [[Dan Starkey]]
|publisher      = BBC Books
|publisher      = BBC Books
|release date    = [[18 January (releases)|18 January]] [[2018 (releases)|2018]]
|release date    = 18 January 2018
|cover          =  
|cover          =  
|format          = Print, 42 chapters
|format          = Print, 42 chapters
|isbn            = ISBN 978-0-425-28391-2
|isbn            = ISBN 978-1-78594-105-4
|prev            = The Pirate Planet (novelisation)
|prev            = The Pirate Planet (novelisation)
|next            = Scratchman (novelisation)
|next            = Scratchman (novelisation)
}}'''''Doctor Who and the Krikkitmen''''' by [[James Goss]] was a novelisation of the unproduced story ''[[The Krikkitmen (TV story)|The Krikkitmen]]''.
}}
'''''Doctor Who and the Krikkitmen''''' by [[James Goss]] was a novelisation of the unproduced [[Douglas Adams]] story ''[[The Krikkitmen (TV story)|The Krikkitmen]]''.


== Publisher's summary ==
== Publisher's summary ==
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[[Fourth Doctor|The Doctor]] promised [[Romana II|Romana]] the [[End of the Universe|end of the universe]], so she's less than impressed when what she gets is a [[cricket]] match. But then the [[award ceremony]] is interrupted by eleven figures in [[white]] [[uniform]]s and peaked [[skull]] [[helmet]]s, wielding [[Cricket bat|bat]]-shaped [[weapon]]s that fire lethal bolts of light into the screaming crowd. The [[Krikkitman|Krikkitmen]] are back.
[[Fourth Doctor|The Doctor]] promised [[Romana II|Romana]] the [[End of the Universe|end of the universe]], so she's less than impressed when what she gets is a [[cricket]] match. But then the [[award ceremony]] is interrupted by eleven figures in [[white]] [[uniform]]s and peaked [[skull]] [[helmet]]s, wielding [[Cricket bat|bat]]-shaped [[weapon]]s that fire lethal bolts of light into the screaming crowd. The [[Krikkitman|Krikkitmen]] are back.


Millions of years ago, the [[Krikkita|people]] of [[Krikkit]] learned they were not alone in the universe, and promptly launched a [[xenophobia|xenophobic]] crusade to wipe out all other life-forms. After a long and bloody conflict, the [[Time Lord]]s imprisoned Krikkit within an envelope of [[Slow Time]], a [[prison]] that could only be opened with the [[Wicket Gate key]], a device that resembles – to human eyes, at least – an oversized set of cricket stumps...
Millions of years ago, the [[Krikkita|people]] of [[Krikkit]] learned they were not alone in the universe, and promptly launched a [[xenophobia|xenophobic]] crusade to wipe out all other life-forms. After a long and bloody conflict, the [[Time Lord]]s imprisoned Krikkit within an [[Slow Time envelope|envelope of Slow Time]], a [[prison]] that could only be opened with the [[Wicket Gate key]], a device that resembles – to human eyes, at least – an oversized set of cricket stumps...


From [[Earth]] to [[Gallifrey]], from [[Bethselamin]] to [[Devalin]], from Krikkit to [[Mareeve II]] to the far edge of [[infinity]], the Doctor and Romana are tugged into a pan-galactic conga with [[fate]] as they rush to stop the Krikkitmen gaining all five pieces of the key. If they fail, the entire [[cosmos]] faces a fiery retribution that will leave nothing but [[ash]]es...
From [[Earth]] to [[Gallifrey]], from [[Bethselamin]] to [[Devalin]], from Krikkit to [[Mareeve II]] to the far edge of [[infinity]], the Doctor and Romana are tugged into a pan-galactic conga with [[fate]] as they rush to stop the Krikkitmen gaining all five pieces of the key. If they fail, the entire [[cosmos]] faces a fiery retribution that will leave nothing but [[ash]]es...


== Plot ==
== Plot ==
=== Part One ===
=== Part One ===
==== Chapter One: Important and Exciting Galactic History. Do Not Skip. ====
''Narration from [[the Matrix]]''


==== Chapter One: Important and Exciting Galactic History. Do Not Skip. ====
Of the many problems in [[Mutter's Spiral|the Galaxy]], a large one arose with the first major civilisation, [[Alovia]]. The [[Alovian]]s were extremely aggressive and tried taking out their problems on [[potato]]es; however they soon started attacking each other, which over a few centuries led to interstellar war. The Alovians decided to build an Ultimate Weapon to protect them. To do this they built a [[supercomputer]] called [[Hactar]], a black moon orbiting Alovia, with every organic particle of it being aware of and containing the design of the computer as a whole. Hactar created the [[Supernova Bomb]], a weapon which, when detonated, would connect every major [[sun]] and create a giant [[supernova]]. However, when they pressed the button, the bomb did not work. Hactar began to explain that “there was no conceivable consequence of not setting the bomb off that was worse than the known consequence of setting it off”, but before he could continue the Alovians destroyed the computer with missiles. However, the Alovians blew themselves up not much later.
Many problems have happened in the history of [[Mutter's Spiral|the Galaxy]]. A major problem arose with the first major civilisations in the Galaxy, [[Alovia]]. The [[Alovian]]s came to believe anything could be solved with potatoes. The Alovians were extremely agressive, fighting everyone and each other. The resolved to get out their aggression by punching sacks of potatoes. After learning to shoot potatoes, they began to shoot each other, which over a few centuries led to interstellar war. The Alovians decided to build an Ultimate Weapon to protect them. To do this they built a [[supercomputer]] called [[Hactar]]. Hactar was a black moon orbiting Alovia, with every organic particle of it being the computer as a whole. Hactar created the [[Supernova Bomb]], a weapon which, when detonated, would connect every major sun and create a giant [[supernova]]. However, when they pressed the button, the bomb did not work. Hactar began yo explain that “there was no conceivable consequence of not setting the bomb off that was worse than the known consequence of setting it off”, but before he could continue the Alovians destroyed the computer with missiles. However, the Alovians blew themselves up not much later.


==== Chapter Two: Sandwiches and Outrage ====
==== Chapter Two: Sandwiches and Outrage ====
[[Fourth Doctor|The Doctor]] has taken [[Romana II|Romana]] to a [[cricket]] match at [[Lord's]], much to her surprise. She notes that the humans there have no knowledge of the true significance of cricket. She is confused why they are there as she remembers the Doctor saying the universe would be ending and giving her a tie for the occasion.
[[Fourth Doctor|The Doctor]] has taken [[Romana II|Romana]] to a [[cricket]] match at [[Lord's]], much to her surprise. She notes that the humans there have no knowledge of the true significance of cricket. She is confused why they are there as she remembers the Doctor saying the universe would be ending and giving her a tie for the occasion.


As they exit the [[the Doctor's TARDIS|TARDIS]], they push through an angry crowd. The Doctor notes they are angry because of "race memory”, and they wouldn't know why. Romana persists in asking why they are at a cricket match instead of the end of the universe, while the Doctor says any Englishman would sah those are the same thing. He notes that oddly, cricket seems rather harmless and innocent enough. Romana agrees, as the Doctor explains [[the Ashes]]. As the crowd grows excited, the Doctor suddenly vanishes.
As they exit [[the Doctor's TARDIS|the TARDIS]], they push through an angry crowd. The Doctor notes they are angry because of "[[race memory]]", and they wouldn't know why. Romana persists in asking why they are at a cricket match instead of the end of the universe, but the Doctor simply remarks any Englishman would say those are the same thing. He notes that oddly, cricket seems rather harmless and innocent enough. Romana agrees, as the Doctor explains [[the Ashes]]. As the crowd grows excited, the Doctor suddenly vanishes.
 
==== Chapter Three: An International Incident ====
Romana notices the Doctor is on the cricket pitch. He tries to convince the Australian captain to give him the Ashes, which are being presented to the English team. He warns them to no avail, and then tries to take the trophy. Then suddenly, killer [[robot]]s arrive.
 
==== Chapter Four: Finally, Killer Robots ====
A cricket pavilion appears out of thin air, and eleven immaculate figures dressed in [[cricket whites]] exit it. The Doctor tells the captain to let him give them the trophy, but he does not take them seriously. The Killer Robots begin their massacre, all in the form of a cricket game. Romana materialises [[The Doctor's TARDIS|the TARDIS]] in front of the Doctor, on its side in an attempt to create a barricade. One of the robots snatches the Ashes, and they return to their pavilion, which disappears. The Doctor and Romana come to terms with the fact that it is indeed the return of a [[Time Lord]] [[legend]], the [[Krikkitmen]].
 
==== Chapter Five: Unforgivable Thefts from a Hairdresser ====
Romana reflects on [[Gallifrey]], thinking how she was originally to return shortly after helping the Doctor, but instead they had gone on adventures. She realises that they need to return, and that the Time Lords would not be happy she was missing. She and the Doctor remember that he is actually the incumbent [[Lord President]]. After waiting, they are confronted by the [[Chancellery Guard]] and marched into the [[Capitol]], where they meet [[Cardinal]] (and [[Acting President of the High Council|Acting President]]) [[Borusa]]. Borusa is quite unhappy to see them, but leads them through Gallifrey's [[data core]] to the [[Great Matrix Chamber]]. The Doctor and Romana encounter [[K9 Mark II|K9]], who proclaims [[the Matrix]] is at fault, despite Borusa's claim that since it had not foreseen the return of the Krikkitmen, it was not true. Romana decides they must examine the Matrix's knowledge of the Krikkitmen, by going into it.
 
==== Chapter Six: Further Important and Exciting Galactic History. Again, Do Not Skip. ====
The Doctor, Romana and K9 enter the virtual reality of [[Krikkit]], as the Matrix narrates to them. It describes how the natives, the [[Krikkita]]s, were content with everything they had on their planet, isolated in a dust cloud. There were no stars visible, so the Krikkitas had no clue there was (or even could be) other life in the universe, until a spacecraft crashed. They reverse engineered the technology and built a spacecraft of their own, and left the dust cloud to find the rest of the universe. They could not cope with its existence and immediately decided it would have to go. The Doctor and Romana observe as the scientists of Krikkit create the technology to wage universal warfare, and ultimately, the [[Krikkitmen]]— androids who then attacked all of the Galaxy.


==== Chapter Seven: More on the Galaxy Reeling ====
Due to [[White Guardian|supernatural forces]], the Galaxy happened to be enjoying an unusually prosperous period of peace. This peace was represented by the [[Wicket Gate]], a symbolic monument which appropriately happened to be the first thing destroyed by the Krikkitmen. The following thousand years were those of carnage and destruction, the [[Krikkit Wars]]. The war only ended when the [[Time Lord]]s broke their [[non-interference policy]] and assisted the rest of the Galaxy. But then came the issue of what to do with the Krikkitas...
==== Chapter Eight: So Much for Universal Peace ====
The Doctor, Romana and K9 exit the Matrix and decide travel to the end of the Krikkit Wars to see for themselves what actually happened. They find themselves in a galactic meeting where the fate of the Krikkitas is being decided, overseen by the Time Lords. They announce they have a solution, and lead the delegates to privately discuss in the [[First Great War TARDIS]], which K9 breaks into. [[Battle Cardinal]] [[Melia]] proposes instant annihilation of Krikkit, but the rest opt for the "Plan B"— Krikkit is encased in an impenetrable envelope of [[Slow Time]], to be released at the [[end of the universe]] when all other life has ceased to exist. The Doctor worries this plan seems ''too'' failsafe, and cannot ask Melia as he has disappeared. Suddenly, a Krikkitman approaches them.
==== Chapter Nine: Running on Imagination ====
''to be continued''
''to be continued''


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* [[Romana II]]
* [[Romana II]]
* [[K9 Mark II]]
* [[K9 Mark II]]
* [[Andvalmon]]
* [[Bastrabon]]
* [[Black Guardian]]
* [[Borusa]]
* [[Borusa]]
* [[Melia|Cardinal Melia]]
* [[Grayce|Chief Elder Grayce]]
* [[Narase|Elder Narase]]
* [[First Great War TARDIS]]
* [[First Great War TARDIS]]
* [[Great Khan]]
* [[Hactar]]
* [[Hactar]]
* [[Battle Cardinal]] [[Melia]]
* [[Velspoor]]
* [[Professor Chronotis]]
* [[Great Khan (Doctor Who and the Krikkitmen)|Great Khan]]
* [[Bastrabon]]
* [[Ognonimous Fugg]]
* [[Andvalmon]]
* [[Jal]]
* [[Jal]]
* [[Ognonimous Fugg]]
* [[Sir Robot]]
* [[Margaret Thatcher|Prime Minister]]
* [[Grayce|Chief Elder Grayce]]
* [[Professor Chronotis]]
* [[Narase|Elder Narase]]
* [[Prime Minister]] ([[Margaret Thatcher]])
* [[Richfield]]
* [[Richfield]]
* [[Sir Robot]]
* [[Velspoor]]
* [[Wedgwood]]
* [[Wedgwood]]
* [[White Guardian]]
* [[Black Guardian]]


== References ==
== Worldbuilding ==
* The Doctor takes Romana to [[Lord's]].
* Romana believes that [[the Doctor]] would never be able to fight a [[war]], due to his impatience.
* Romana believes that [[the Doctor]] would never be able to fight a [[war]], due to his impatience.
* When the Doctor repairs Sir Robot, he occasionally speaks [[Esperanto]].
* Before the [[Krikkit War]], the [[White Guardian]] used the [[Key to Time]] to bring an era of peace to the universe. This involved the downfall of several hostile races, such as the [[Racnoss]], [[Jagaroth]], and [[Kastrian]]s.
* [[The Master's TARDIS]] is said to have an entirely [[black]] interior.
* [[Gallifreyan]] [[Bardak the Flighty]] invented wireless [[wrist communicator]]s during Gallifrey's [[Golden Age of Technology]].
* Romana has a copy of ''[[The Times]]'' with a Krikkitman on it.
* The [[Great Khan (Doctor Who and the Krikkitmen)|Great Khan]] is fighting over a planet with the [[Dominator]]s.
* When the Doctor repairs [[Sir Robot]], he occasionally speaks [[Esperanto]].
* The Doctor and K9 visit [[Shada]]. The Doctor sees [[Sontaran]]s, an [[Ice Lord]], and a [[Krarg]] imprisoned there. To get to Shada, the Doctor borrows ''[[The Worshipful and Ancient Law of Gallifrey]]'' from [[Chronotis]].
* The original twelve [[War TARDIS]]es were created for use in the [[Eternal War|Vampire War]].
* An unspecified future incarnation of the Doctor had no plans in his [[Five Hundred Year Diary|500-year diary]] one day, and so decided to study [[ventilation shaft]]s.
* The Krikkitmen turn off [[Gallifrey]]'s [[transduction barrier]]s.


== Notes ==
== Notes ==
* Douglas Adams adapted this story into the non-''Doctor Who'' novel ''Life the Universe and Everything'', part of ''[[The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy]]'' series.
* Douglas Adams adapted this story into the non-''Doctor Who'' novel ''Life, the Universe, and Everything'', part of ''[[The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy]]'' series. The planet of [[Bethselamin]] also first appeared in the script, and later appears in the ''Hitchhikers'' series as an overcrowded tourist destination. This is referenced in the book, hinting that after the events of the book Bethselamin began to gain tourists; additionally, when the [[Krikkitman|Krikkitmen]] attack Bethselamin, [[Andvalmon]] believes them to be tourists.
** The planet of [[Bethselamin]] also first appeared in the script, and later appears in the ''Hitchhiker’s ''series as an overcrowded tourist destination. This is referenced in the book, hinting that after the events of the book Bethselamin began to gain tourists; additionally when the [[Krikkitman|Krikkitmen]] attack Bethselamin, [[Andvalmon]] believes them to be tourists.
* Although not specified, the [[Prime Minister of the United Kingdom|Prime Minister]] in this story is implied to be [[Margaret Thatcher]].
* Although not specified, the [[Prime Minister]] in this story is implied to be [[Margaret Thatcher]].
* In one of the appendices of the book, James Goss writes how he considered using [[Sarah Jane Smith]] as a companion as it would have been in the original story, but settled on [[Romana II]] and [[K9 Mark II|K9]] instead. (In fact Adams' notes only use the name "Jane" as a placeholder.) The beginning of the story as it would have been was included, with the Fourth Doctor returning to Sarah Jane after the events of ''[[The Sarah Jane Adventures]]''.
* Goss also mentions having used many other ideas from Adams' works, published or unpublished. One of these is evident in the story of the [[Great Khan (Doctor Who and the Krikkitmen)|Great Khan]], an alien emperor who has trouble planning his schedule— a reimagining of Adams' short story {{wi|The Private Life of Genghis Khan}} (which also has connections to the ''Hitchhiker's'' series).
* The forty-second (and final) chapter in the book is titled "The Meaning of Life", referencing the meaning of life being said to be [[42 (number)|42]] in ''The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy''.


== Continuity ==
== Continuity ==
* It is mentioned that Romana has reassembled the [[Key to Time]], ([[TV]]: ''[[The Armageddon Factor (TV story)|The Armageddon Factor]]'') thwarted [[Davros]], ([[TV]]: ''[[Destiny of the Daleks (TV story)|Destiny of the Daleks]]'') and outclassed the [[Nimon]]. ([[TV]]: ''[[The Horns of Nimon (TV story)|The Horns of Nimon]]'')
* It is mentioned that Romana has reassembled the [[Key to Time]], ([[TV]]: ''[[The Armageddon Factor (TV story)|The Armageddon Factor]]'') thwarted [[Davros]], ([[TV]]: ''[[Destiny of the Daleks (TV story)|Destiny of the Daleks]]'') and outclassed the [[Nimon]]. ([[TV]]: ''[[The Horns of Nimon (TV story)|The Horns of Nimon]]'')
* The Doctor and Romana's visit to [[Shada (prison)|Shada]] is mentioned. ([[TV]]: ''[[Shada (TV story)|Shada]]'')
* When meeting K9 on Gallifrey, the Doctor remembers there is [[K9 Mark I|an earlier version of him]] on the planet with Romana's "predecessor", [[Leela]]. ([[TV]]: ''[[The Invasion of Time (TV story)|The Invasion of Time]]'')
* The Doctor and Romana's visit to the Time Lord prison planet [[Shada]] is mentioned. ([[TV]]: ''[[Shada (TV story)|Shada]]'')
* Shada looks like a giant [[seal of Rassilon]]. ([[WC]]: ''[[Shada (webcast)|Shada]]'')
* The Doctor possesses luck manipulation abilities. ([[PROSE]]: ''[[Christmas on a Rational Planet (novel)|Christmas on a Rational Planet]]'', ''[[Camera Obscura (novel)|Camera Obscura]]'')
* [[Borusa]] has been regenerating more often since meeting the [[Fourth Doctor]] ([[TV]]: ''[[The Deadly Assassin (TV story)|The Deadly Assassin]]'', ''[[The Invasion of Time (TV story)|The Invasion of Time]]'') and has died from a falling stack of books, a missing decimal point, and an infected toenail.
* When the Doctor is contemplating the reasons why he didn't notice Romana had been possessed, he remembers how he knew [[Sarah Jane Smith (android)|Sarah Jane's android]] was an imposter by the fact that it was wearing the scarf that Sarah had lost earlier. ([[TV]]: ''[[The Android Invasion (TV story)|The Android Invasion]]'')
* When the Doctor is contemplating the reasons why he didn't notice Romana had been possessed, he remembers how he knew [[Sarah Jane Smith (android)|Sarah Jane's android]] was an imposter by the fact that it was wearing the scarf that Sarah had lost earlier. ([[TV]]: ''[[The Android Invasion (TV story)|The Android Invasion]]'')
* [[Borusa]] is acting as [[Lord President]] for the Doctor. ([[TV]]: ''[[The Invasion of Time (TV story)|The Invasion of Time]]'')


== Additional cover images ==
== Additional cover images ==
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== Editions published outside Britain ==
== Editions published outside Britain ==
* Published in Russia by AST in 2019 as a hardback edition, it was one of seven book published in the 2010's.
* Published in Russia by AST in 2019 as a hardback edition, it was one of eight books published in the 2010s. The title was Доктор Кто против Криккитян (''Doktor Kto protiv Krikkityan''), meaning "Doctor Who vs. the Krikkitmen".
* Published in Germany by Cross Cult in 2019 as a hardback edition and published as ''Doctor Who und die Krikkit-Krieger'', it was one of five books published by them in the 2010's.
* Published in Germany by Bastei Lübbe in 2019 as a hardback edition and published as ''Doctor Who und die Krikkit-Krieger'', it was one of three books published by them in the 2010's.


<gallery position=center captionalign=center hideaddbutton="true" >
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== Audiobook ==
== Audiobook ==
This novel was released on [[18 January (releases)|18 January]] [[2018 (releases)|2018]] complete and unabridged by [[BBC Audio]] and read by [[Dan Starkey]].
* This novel was released as an audiobook, in the UK, on [[18 January (releases)|18 January]] [[2018 (releases)|2018]] complete and unabridged by [[BBC Audio]] and read by [[Dan Starkey]].
* This novel was also released as an audiobook, in Germany, on [[1 September (releases)|1 September]] [[2019 (releases)|2019]] by [[Lübbe Audio]] and read by [[Michael Schwarzmaier]].


<gallery position=center captionalign=center hideaddbutton="true" >
<gallery position="center" captionalign="center" hideaddbutton="true">
File:Doctor Who and the Krikkitmen audiobook.jpg|Audiobook cover
Doctor Who and the Krikkitmen audiobook.jpg|UK Audiobook
GermanKrikkitmenAudiobook.jpg|German Audiobook
</gallery>
</gallery>


== External links ==
== External links ==
* {{penguin|111/1111938/doctor-who-and-the-krikkitmen/9781785941061.html}}
* {{penguin|111/1111938/doctor-who-and-the-krikkitmen/9781785941061.html}}
* [https://mysite.science.uottawa.ca/rsmith43/cloister/krikkitmen.htm The Cloister Library: '''Doctor Who and the Krikkitmen''']


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{{DWN}}
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{{TitleSort}}


[[fr:City of Death (novélisation)]]
[[cs:Pirátská planeta (novelizace)]]
[[Category:BBC Books novelisations]]
[[Category:BBC Books novelisations]]
[[Category:2018 novels]]
[[Category:2018 novels]]
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[[Category:Stories set in Cambridge]]
[[Category:Stories set in Cambridge]]
[[Category:Time Lord novels]]
[[Category:Time Lord novels]]
[[Category:Prose adaptations of unproduced television stories]]
[[Category:BBC Books novelisations with audiobook readings]]
[[Category:Stories set in the Dark Times]]

Latest revision as of 22:30, 6 March 2024

RealWorld.png

Doctor Who and the Krikkitmen by James Goss was a novelisation of the unproduced Douglas Adams story The Krikkitmen.

Publisher's summary[[edit] | [edit source]]

Intergalactic war? That's just not cricket ... or is it?

The Doctor promised Romana the end of the universe, so she's less than impressed when what she gets is a cricket match. But then the award ceremony is interrupted by eleven figures in white uniforms and peaked skull helmets, wielding bat-shaped weapons that fire lethal bolts of light into the screaming crowd. The Krikkitmen are back.

Millions of years ago, the people of Krikkit learned they were not alone in the universe, and promptly launched a xenophobic crusade to wipe out all other life-forms. After a long and bloody conflict, the Time Lords imprisoned Krikkit within an envelope of Slow Time, a prison that could only be opened with the Wicket Gate key, a device that resembles – to human eyes, at least – an oversized set of cricket stumps...

From Earth to Gallifrey, from Bethselamin to Devalin, from Krikkit to Mareeve II to the far edge of infinity, the Doctor and Romana are tugged into a pan-galactic conga with fate as they rush to stop the Krikkitmen gaining all five pieces of the key. If they fail, the entire cosmos faces a fiery retribution that will leave nothing but ashes...

Plot[[edit] | [edit source]]

Part One[[edit] | [edit source]]

Chapter One: Important and Exciting Galactic History. Do Not Skip.[[edit] | [edit source]]

Narration from the Matrix

Of the many problems in the Galaxy, a large one arose with the first major civilisation, Alovia. The Alovians were extremely aggressive and tried taking out their problems on potatoes; however they soon started attacking each other, which over a few centuries led to interstellar war. The Alovians decided to build an Ultimate Weapon to protect them. To do this they built a supercomputer called Hactar, a black moon orbiting Alovia, with every organic particle of it being aware of and containing the design of the computer as a whole. Hactar created the Supernova Bomb, a weapon which, when detonated, would connect every major sun and create a giant supernova. However, when they pressed the button, the bomb did not work. Hactar began to explain that “there was no conceivable consequence of not setting the bomb off that was worse than the known consequence of setting it off”, but before he could continue the Alovians destroyed the computer with missiles. However, the Alovians blew themselves up not much later.

Chapter Two: Sandwiches and Outrage[[edit] | [edit source]]

The Doctor has taken Romana to a cricket match at Lord's, much to her surprise. She notes that the humans there have no knowledge of the true significance of cricket. She is confused why they are there as she remembers the Doctor saying the universe would be ending and giving her a tie for the occasion.

As they exit the TARDIS, they push through an angry crowd. The Doctor notes they are angry because of "race memory", and they wouldn't know why. Romana persists in asking why they are at a cricket match instead of the end of the universe, but the Doctor simply remarks any Englishman would say those are the same thing. He notes that oddly, cricket seems rather harmless and innocent enough. Romana agrees, as the Doctor explains the Ashes. As the crowd grows excited, the Doctor suddenly vanishes.

Chapter Three: An International Incident[[edit] | [edit source]]

Romana notices the Doctor is on the cricket pitch. He tries to convince the Australian captain to give him the Ashes, which are being presented to the English team. He warns them to no avail, and then tries to take the trophy. Then suddenly, killer robots arrive.

Chapter Four: Finally, Killer Robots[[edit] | [edit source]]

A cricket pavilion appears out of thin air, and eleven immaculate figures dressed in cricket whites exit it. The Doctor tells the captain to let him give them the trophy, but he does not take them seriously. The Killer Robots begin their massacre, all in the form of a cricket game. Romana materialises the TARDIS in front of the Doctor, on its side in an attempt to create a barricade. One of the robots snatches the Ashes, and they return to their pavilion, which disappears. The Doctor and Romana come to terms with the fact that it is indeed the return of a Time Lord legend, the Krikkitmen.

Chapter Five: Unforgivable Thefts from a Hairdresser[[edit] | [edit source]]

Romana reflects on Gallifrey, thinking how she was originally to return shortly after helping the Doctor, but instead they had gone on adventures. She realises that they need to return, and that the Time Lords would not be happy she was missing. She and the Doctor remember that he is actually the incumbent Lord President. After waiting, they are confronted by the Chancellery Guard and marched into the Capitol, where they meet Cardinal (and Acting President) Borusa. Borusa is quite unhappy to see them, but leads them through Gallifrey's data core to the Great Matrix Chamber. The Doctor and Romana encounter K9, who proclaims the Matrix is at fault, despite Borusa's claim that since it had not foreseen the return of the Krikkitmen, it was not true. Romana decides they must examine the Matrix's knowledge of the Krikkitmen, by going into it.

Chapter Six: Further Important and Exciting Galactic History. Again, Do Not Skip.[[edit] | [edit source]]

The Doctor, Romana and K9 enter the virtual reality of Krikkit, as the Matrix narrates to them. It describes how the natives, the Krikkitas, were content with everything they had on their planet, isolated in a dust cloud. There were no stars visible, so the Krikkitas had no clue there was (or even could be) other life in the universe, until a spacecraft crashed. They reverse engineered the technology and built a spacecraft of their own, and left the dust cloud to find the rest of the universe. They could not cope with its existence and immediately decided it would have to go. The Doctor and Romana observe as the scientists of Krikkit create the technology to wage universal warfare, and ultimately, the Krikkitmen— androids who then attacked all of the Galaxy.

Chapter Seven: More on the Galaxy Reeling[[edit] | [edit source]]

Due to supernatural forces, the Galaxy happened to be enjoying an unusually prosperous period of peace. This peace was represented by the Wicket Gate, a symbolic monument which appropriately happened to be the first thing destroyed by the Krikkitmen. The following thousand years were those of carnage and destruction, the Krikkit Wars. The war only ended when the Time Lords broke their non-interference policy and assisted the rest of the Galaxy. But then came the issue of what to do with the Krikkitas...

Chapter Eight: So Much for Universal Peace[[edit] | [edit source]]

The Doctor, Romana and K9 exit the Matrix and decide travel to the end of the Krikkit Wars to see for themselves what actually happened. They find themselves in a galactic meeting where the fate of the Krikkitas is being decided, overseen by the Time Lords. They announce they have a solution, and lead the delegates to privately discuss in the First Great War TARDIS, which K9 breaks into. Battle Cardinal Melia proposes instant annihilation of Krikkit, but the rest opt for the "Plan B"— Krikkit is encased in an impenetrable envelope of Slow Time, to be released at the end of the universe when all other life has ceased to exist. The Doctor worries this plan seems too failsafe, and cannot ask Melia as he has disappeared. Suddenly, a Krikkitman approaches them.

Chapter Nine: Running on Imagination[[edit] | [edit source]]

to be continued

Characters[[edit] | [edit source]]

Worldbuilding[[edit] | [edit source]]

Notes[[edit] | [edit source]]

  • Douglas Adams adapted this story into the non-Doctor Who novel Life, the Universe, and Everything, part of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series. The planet of Bethselamin also first appeared in the script, and later appears in the Hitchhikers series as an overcrowded tourist destination. This is referenced in the book, hinting that after the events of the book Bethselamin began to gain tourists; additionally, when the Krikkitmen attack Bethselamin, Andvalmon believes them to be tourists.
  • Although not specified, the Prime Minister in this story is implied to be Margaret Thatcher.
  • In one of the appendices of the book, James Goss writes how he considered using Sarah Jane Smith as a companion as it would have been in the original story, but settled on Romana II and K9 instead. (In fact Adams' notes only use the name "Jane" as a placeholder.) The beginning of the story as it would have been was included, with the Fourth Doctor returning to Sarah Jane after the events of The Sarah Jane Adventures.
  • Goss also mentions having used many other ideas from Adams' works, published or unpublished. One of these is evident in the story of the Great Khan, an alien emperor who has trouble planning his schedule— a reimagining of Adams' short story The Private Life of Genghis Khan (which also has connections to the Hitchhiker's series).
  • The forty-second (and final) chapter in the book is titled "The Meaning of Life", referencing the meaning of life being said to be 42 in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

Continuity[[edit] | [edit source]]

Additional cover images[[edit] | [edit source]]

  • 2019 BBC Books paperback edition

    2019 BBC Books paperback edition

Editions published outside Britain[[edit] | [edit source]]

  • Published in Russia by AST in 2019 as a hardback edition, it was one of eight books published in the 2010s. The title was Доктор Кто против Криккитян (Doktor Kto protiv Krikkityan), meaning "Doctor Who vs. the Krikkitmen".
  • Published in Germany by Bastei Lübbe in 2019 as a hardback edition and published as Doctor Who und die Krikkit-Krieger, it was one of three books published by them in the 2010's.
  • Russian edition

    Russian edition

  • German edition

    German edition

Audiobook[[edit] | [edit source]]

  • UK Audiobook

    UK Audiobook

  • German Audiobook

    German Audiobook

External links[[edit] | [edit source]]

v • e
Doctor Who novelisations
 
First Doctor
Susan, Barbara, Ian
Barbara, Ian, Vicki
Barbara, Ian, Vicki, Steven
Vicki, Steven
Vicki, Steven, Katarina
Steven, Katarina, Sara
Steven, Sara
Steven
Steven, Dodo
Dodo, Ben, Polly
Ben, Polly
 
Second Doctor
Ben, Polly
Ben, Polly, Jamie
Jamie, Victoria
Jamie, Zoe
 
Third Doctor
Liz
Jo
Sarah
 
Fourth Doctor
Sarah, Harry
Sarah
Alone
Leela
Leela, K9 Mark I
Romana I, K9 Mark II
Romana II
Romana II, K9 Mark II
Romana II, K9 Mark II, Adric
Adric
Adric, Nyssa, Tegan
 
Fifth Doctor
Adric, Nyssa, Tegan
Nyssa, Tegan
Nyssa, Tegan, Turlough
Tegan, Turlough
Turlough, Peri
Peri
 
Sixth Doctor
Peri
Mel
 
Seventh Doctor
Mel
Mel, Ace
Ace
 
Eighth Doctor
Grace
Solo
 
Ninth Doctor (Scream of the Shalka)
Alison
 
Ninth Doctor
Rose
Rose, Adam
 
Tenth Doctor
Rose
Donna
Alone
 
Eleventh Doctor
Amy
Amy, River
Clara
 
Twelfth Doctor
Clara
Alone
Bill, Nardole
 
Thirteenth Doctor
Yaz, Ryan, Graham
 
Fourteenth Doctor
Donna
 
Fifteenth Doctor
Ruby
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