Madam, I'm (audio story)

Torchwood, Soho, the 1950s. Disgraced agent Norton Folgate has a new boyfriend, the very lovely Adam. Brilliant scientist Lizbeth Hayhoe meets a charming stranger on the underground, the very lovely Adam. Very soon, Torchwood has a new leader – the very lovely Adam.

With people losing their lives and their souls, Lizbeth and Norton must work out what's happening to Torchwood. And why is Torchwood preparing to go to war?

Plot[[edit] | [edit source]]

Lizbeth arrives at Room 13 and is introduced to a man by Norton. Whilst she initially says that they will have to erase his memory, she is impressed that he has brought custard tarts and asks what his name is. He says that it is Adam.

Running late to visit her sister Margaret because of staying late at work, Lizbeth rushes to catch a train and misses it because of a man standing in her way. He invites her to instead join him at the Black Dog for a drink and tells her that his name is Adam.

Norton arrives at Room 13 with a friend, Adam, who Lizbeth says looks familiar. When he shakes her hand, she says that he has good manners and that Norton could learn something from him, but says that they will have to erase his memory. Adam says that they will get along famously.

Lizbeth runs to catch her train at Aldwych tube station and gets on thanks to a man holding the doors for her. She talks to him about her fascination with mice and that she is going to see her sister, who is investing in stock options. The man introduces himself as Adam.

At work, Lizbeth is angry that Section Q have requisitioned mind rubies from Torchwood India. Adam, who says that he is new in the post room, enters to give Norton and Lizbeth their mail which includes a memo from Rigbsy about the approaching Kernaz fleet. Once Adam has gone, Norton stares at the door, smitten, and Lizbeth tells him to get on with his work.

Norton and Adam kiss in a graveyard and hear a sound which Adam identifies as the moaning of the Kernaz scout that they had attacked. They continue kissing and Adam suggests that they turn their torch off whilst they have sex.

Adam tells Lizbeth that he has finished his report and whispers to Norton that their new assistant's efficiency scares her. Adam gives them a memo from Rigsby about V Squad's capture of a Kernaz scout drone, but Lizbeth tells him to forget about it.

Lizbeth dines with her only nephew, Adam, who confides in her that he wishes that he had as good a relationship with Margaret as he does with her.

Norton, Lizbeth and Adam search a bombsite in Hoxton in the middle of the night for the source of a Kernaz energy signal and find a Kernaz ship.

Talking to herself on a bench in Finsbury Park, Lizbeth is approached by a stranger, Adam, and realises that she has no idea what she is doing there. Adam walks her to the London Underground, as she is miles away from home. She says that something is wrong.

At Cartso Cottage Boarding House, Norton answers the phone to Lizbeth, who tells him that something is wrong at Torchwood but that she cannot explain what it is. He begins to feel that the last few weeks have been somewhat dream-like and is interrupted by Adam, who distracts him by kissing him. When Norton mentions him, Lizbeth realises that Adam has something to do with what has been going on, but Adam tells Norton to hang up the phone.

Norton has managed to access the computer of the Kernaz ship and Lizbeth gets it to show up on a screen. Rigsby's deputy, Adam, arrives to see their work as Rigsby is at the Buckingham Palace. The display seems to show the Kernaz fleet heading towards Earth.

Lizbeth boards a train after being brought to attention by a stranger.

Lizbeth feeds the ducks with Norton and brings up the amount of the computer's data which is walled off, data which Norton says is corrupt and will be separated by a device which Adam will be giving them. He says that Torchwood is better with Adam as leader. Lizbeth says that something is wrong with Torchwood and that she brought him outside in the hopes that it would clear their minds, also saying that she thinks that it is connected to Norton's boyfriend. However, Norton denies having one.

Norton and his boyfriend, Adam, have dinner in a restaurant, which Norton says feels a bit strange. Adam asks him about the people that he works with, claiming that he never talked about work, and hears about Lizbeth's paranoia. Adam insists that Norton hold his hand on the table, which he is hesitant to do due to his worry about others seeing.

Adam makes a speech to Torchwood, saying that the Kernaz will soon be invading and that they will go to war with them. Lizbeth is suspicious about the attack satellites that Torchwood are building, not believing Adam's claim that they are from forgotten Torchwood India plans. Norton asks Adam about the designs and is told that they were archived due to them being "too ambitious" until he found them.

Lizbeth goes to the opera with her nephew, Adam, and is brought to tears. She begs Adam to bring an end to her pain.

At work, Lizbeth calls Norton a "nudger", which offends him, and they discuss how strange it is that Torchwood is going to war for the first time since its founding. They also note that the Kernaz are not in the archive, that the supposed fleet could actually just be asteroids and wonder how they were receiving memos about the Kernaz from Rigsby if they did not know about them before finding the ship in Hoxton. When Norton mentions the post boy, Adam, he begins to feel that they have had this conversation before, which Lizbeth agrees with. They surmise that their memories are taken away whenever this happens, hence why Lizbeth has drugged their tea. They are later awoken by their boss, Adam.

Norton wakes up in the boarding house and tells his boyfriend, Adam, that he had two dreams: one in which Adam was not real and one in which he himself was not.

Norton and Lizbeth work on Operation Warhead, building a fleet. Adam says that Torchwood will make all aliens fear them.

Lizbeth asks Norton what day it is and, although initially surprised that she is not aware, realises that he is not sure either. Whilst Lizbeth's desk calendar says that it is May, the clerks' wall calendar says that it is April and librarian's desk calendar says August. They determine that nobody in Torchwood knows what date it is.

Norton enters the office of his boss, Adam, who needs reminding of his name. He asks when the deadline for building the spacefleet is as nobody seems to be aware of when it is, nor what day it is today, and any attempt to find out from the outside world results in amnesia. Adam says that a Kernaz weapon must have been unleashed upon them and shakes Norton's hand, after which Norton falls to the floor. He awakes at night, in a puddle on Frith Street.

Lizbeth finds a copy of The Lady Knitter, which is not her usual reading but contains a message in her own handwriting directing her to the postmark, which says that it is the 23rd. Norton, who is sure that it is the 8th, says that that is impossible and that they must have been working too hard. He begins to remember something and asks Lizbeth if she sent herself the magazine as a psychic trigger, which she believes she did. They determine that their memories are being wiped to fool them into waging war.

Norton and Lizbeth tell Adam, who says that he will put a stop to the work once they provide him with evidence. Calling them his best workers, he gives them a hug.

On the street, Norton feels drunk but cannot remember drinking whilst Lizbeth has, uncharacteristically, left the opera early, saying that she had seen enough. Lizbeth helps Norton to the tube and waits at the station whilst he boards his train, waiting for someone. She quietly asks who it is that is watching her.

Lizbeth receives a lot of post at work, including a number of knitting magazines with one postmark saying that it is the 24th. She and Norton remember that they sent them to themselves yesterday, before visiting Adam, and decide to get them back in the post to arrive tomorrow. Checking Torchwood Times, Lizbeth finds that Rigsby, the toilet cleaner, was the head of Torchwood last month; the two wonder who Adam is.

Norton speaks with Adam, telling him what Lizbeth and he have found and that he might not be the legitimate leader of Torchwood. After they've spoken and Adam has put his hand on Norton's shoulder, Lizbeth approaches and asks how it went; Norton says that he does not know what he is talking about and says that he does not know of anything wrong with Torchwood. Adam returns and gives her a pat on the back for being "the woman who goes above and beyond". She then forgets herself.

Late at night, Norton decides that it is about time to go home and reminds Lizbeth that she is supposed to be having dinner with her sister. Going through the post, Norton sees that a pile of knitting magazines have been burnt in a bin, supposedly by the clerks.

Lizbeth attends the opera with her nephew, Adam, and cries. When he asks why she comes when she always cries, she says that she comes because she knows that he likes it. She feels guilty because Margaret blames her for Adam never liking her. He makes her forget him, leaving her as an old woman crying in the dark.

At the train station, Lizbeth meets a stranger, Adam, who attempts to hold her in the path of an oncoming train. Norton saves her, but he then forget that Adam was there. On the train, they both recall everything, identifying Adam as the one who is altering their memories and making Torchwood go to war. They get off at Russell Square tube station and are separated by the crowd of people. Lizbeth then sees Adam, who tells her that he only wants to erase her memories, but she flees and tries to get in a lift before having to take the stairs.

Lizbeth eventually climbs all ninety-three stairs only to find Adam at the top, asking for her ticket. She resigns to him touching her, but Norton saves her and runs off with her. He says that he has been making a call to somebody and tells her to go back to the same tube station tomorrow.

Norton takes Lizbeth home and then leaves by way of Russell Square, planning on having casual sex there. Lizbeth finds that Adam is in her house and Norton finds that the man seducing him in the square is Adam as well. He threatens Norton by telling him that a policeman is nearby and that he will lose everything if he spots them. He tells Norton that he is his, becoming the memory of all of his lovers.

At the station, Lizbeth can feel that she has failed at something but cannot tell what. She asks a stranger, Adam, if a poster does indeed read "The Kernaz Are Coming Today. Stop Adam". He confirms that it does say that, as well as "This Is For You, You Old Trout".

Lizbeth arrives at Room 13 and finds who she calls the boring Norton. She drags him away to the Torchwood fleet by the ear, telling him that they have been sending each other telepathic triggers and that Adam keeps wiping their minds. Norton agrees that building fleets is not what Torchwood does and remembers the conspiracy.

Adam orders the fleet's engines to be fired up to meet the Kernaz.

Norton finds an electromagnetic pulse generator stolen from Nevada to use to stop all power in Torchwood, but it is out of batteries.

Adam prepares to give the command for the Sundestroyer Bombardment and the launch of the fleet when they receive a message from the Kernaz claiming that they mean them no harm. Adam orders that they ignore them and begin the attack when Norton and Lizbeth use the electromagnetic pulse generator to stop them. They out Adam as a memeovore and Norton briefly claims to be Torchwood's real leader, which Lizbeth denies, when the Kernaz inform them that they mean no harm and are only searching for a creature, whom they identify as Adam using a meson scan.

According to the Kernaz, they were a peaceful people before Adam came and incited a war which decimated their system. They destroy Adam's form and depart, Lizbeth calling Rigsby to clean up the mess. Adam's remains are shipped to Cardiff.

Later, overlooking the River Thames, Lizbeth tells Norton to suppose that somebody had found Adam and unleashed him upon Torchwood after making a deal that they would become head of Torchwood. When that person lost their memories and panicked, they alerted the Kernaz for help. Norton admits that he did so, saying that he would have been truly sorry if war with the Kernaz had indeed broken out.

Cast[[edit] | [edit source]]

Worldbuilding[[edit] | [edit source]]

Animals[[edit] | [edit source]]

Lizbeth thinks that mice are fascinating and wonders how they got down to Aldwych tube station.
Lizbeth feeds the ducks.

Arts and entertainment[[edit] | [edit source]]

Norton mentions Come Dancing.
Norton describes Lizbeth as "Lady Bracknell's bull dyke daughter".
Lizbeth and Adam go to the opera.
Lizbeth has a copy of The Lady Knitter, which is not her usual reading.
The office newsletter is the Torchwood Times.

Food and drink[[edit] | [edit source]]

Lizbeth says that she cannot be nice without coffee.
Adam brings cakes, including custard tarts, for Norton and Lizbeth.
Lizbeth's evening with Margaret will involve tepid pork chops.
Adam says that they serve horrible ale and strong gin at the Black Dog.
Lizbeth drinks tea. She gives some to Norton.
Lizbeth and Adam eat sandwiches and cakes.
Bombay is made with fish.
Norton and Adam eat duck.
Adam goes to get some crumble.
Lizbeth eats chips.

Individuals[[edit] | [edit source]]

Lizbeth has a sister, Margaret.
Janet Fotheringay was last seen near Saturn after Section Q tried to make an anti-grav capsule.
Norton and Adam kiss against the gravestone of Dacre C. Woodrow, who was born in 1731 and died in 1787.
Norton has a landlady.
Rigsby is demoted from leader of Torchwood Soho to janitor.
Adam is a Memeovore.
Dolly is a clerk.
The Torchwood librarian went to lunch in 1912 and never returned. Her desk calendar is kept up-to-date.
Norton calls Lizbeth a Lady of Llangollen.
Margaret had a son who died in World War II.
A policeman does his rounds at Russell Square.

Locations[[edit] | [edit source]]

In the event of her death, Lizbeth tells Adam to release her cats on Old Kent Road.
Norton, Lizbeth and Adam scour a bombsite in Hoxton.
Lizbeth sits on a bench in Finsbury Park.
Norton lives at Cartso Cottage Boarding House.
Norton jokes that he and Lizbeth will have to do something about the Suez Canal.
Margaret lives in Hainault.

Notes[[edit] | [edit source]]

The title of this story is a reference to the palindrome "Madam, I'm Adam".
This story uses the 1950s style Torchwood introduction music, introduced in Parasite. This is one of many examples of altered Torchwood intros used to indicate a different time setting, such as the Victorian theme and the retro theme.
Despite being released after Torchwood: Soho, this story takes place before that boxset and after Norton's attempted takeover of Torchwood in Goodbye Piccadilly.
This story was recorded remotely on 23 February 2021.

Continuity[[edit] | [edit source]]

Until the arrival of Adam, Reginald Rigsby is currently leading Torchwood. (AUDIO: Parasite)
Reference is made to Torchwood India. (AUDIO: Golden Age)
Norton pretends that he works at a library. He did the same in Parasite.
Adam is able to use his memory altering capabilities to change Rigsby's job title. When Adam escapes the Void again in the 2000s, he would use these powers to alter the memories to change the personalities and memories of the Torchwood Three team in much the same way. (TV: Adam)
Norton Folgate once again worries about the fog in London. (AUDIO: Parasite, The Creeping Death)
Upon defeating Adam, Norton once again tries to seize control of Torchwood by claiming that Adam stole his place at the head of the Institute. This is the second time Norton has tried such a bold takeover. (AUDIO: Goodbye Piccadilly)
Adam uses his powers against Lizbeth's sister to torture her. He takes the identity of her deceased son and later takes pleasure in using his powers to turn her life into a misery. He would later do something similar to Ianto Jones, making him believe that he was a murderer. (TV: Adam)

External links[[edit] | [edit source]]

Official Madam, I'm page at bigfinish.com