Panda
Panda, an old, erudite, rakish, self-professed art critic, was commonly identified as a ten-inch-tall, fuzzy stuffed panda; mention of this, however, would cause Panda a great deal of offense, often driving Panda to resort to violence in retaliation.
Panda spent many of his later years travelling with the garish transtemporal adventuress known as Iris Wildthyme aboard the Celestial Omnibus — a time machine of conflicting origin, but one thing that did remain consistent was its appearance: a red double decker bus, the 22 to Putney Common.
Though he was Iris's best friend, they often had rows and barneys, but they did it knowing that none of it really mattered. They simply argued for the sheer fun of it. (PROSE: Enter Wildthyme [+]Loading...["Enter Wildthyme (novel)"])
For a time, Panda was a robot known as Clockwork Panda. (PROSE: Flasket Brinner and the Clockwork Heart [+]Loading...["Flasket Brinner and the Clockwork Heart (short story)"], The Woman Who Sold the Moon [+]Loading...["The Woman Who Sold the Moon (short story)"], etc.)
Using X-rays, infrared, DNA sequencing and deep tissue analysis, the Forge were unable to find any signs of life within Panda's body. (PROSE: Project: Wildthyme [+]Loading...["Project Wildthyme (short story)","Project: Wildthyme"]) Panda was said to be the "ultimate paradox" by members of Faction Paradox. (PROSE: Library Pictures [+]Loading...["Library Pictures (short story)"]) Due to the fact that he had no fingers, Panda had to stick blu-tack onto his paws in order to turn pages of books. (PROSE: Iris Wildthyme and the Unholy Ghost [+]Loading...["Iris Wildthyme and the Unholy Ghost (short story)"])
Biography
A complicated origin
There existed multiple accounts of Panda's early life, each differing to various degrees. (AUDIO: Muse of Fire [+]Loading...["Muse of Fire (audio story)"], PROSE: Enter Wildthyme [+]Loading...["Enter Wildthyme (novel)"], The Delightful Bag [+]Loading...["The Delightful Bag (short story)"])
Once in his travels with Iris, Panda hotly postulated to her that he came from a place where "everyone was ten inches tall with small black ears and piercingly intelligent button-bright eyes" - Iris referred to such a place as a "whole planet of Pandas", though she seemingly didn't believe that such a place existed, and thought that Panda should accept that he was likely the only one like him. (PROSE: Enter Wildthyme [+]Loading...["Enter Wildthyme (novel)"]) However, there was indeed a (as Missy called it) "Planet of the Bears", Ursino Six, which was home to a faction of reality-engineers resembling stuffed bears, with at least one having similar speech patterns and physiology to Panda. (PROSE: Teddy Sparkles Must Die! [+]Loading...["Teddy Sparkles Must Die! (short story)"])
According to one account, Panda's homeland was China. (PROSE: The Delightful Bag [+]Loading...["The Delightful Bag (short story)"]) According to another, he was a cyborg, designed to journey into space with the children of star colonists. He was supposed to act as a protector and a teacher. (AUDIO: Muse of Fire [+]Loading...["Muse of Fire (audio story)"])
Early life
He had many adventures and, whilst living with Thomas Daley, contemplated writing his memoirs. (AUDIO: Wildthyme at Large [+]Loading...["Wildthyme at Large (audio story)"])
Meeting Iris
Panda once said that he didn't know how long he'd been travelling with Iris, as he stated that with all the "flitting about [they did] - backwards, forwards and diagonally through the alternate paradigms" claiming it was "well nigh impossible to pin down anything at all". He elaborated that there were many times where they deliberately relived, erased, and changed events that they had previously had done. He also preferred others to take care of continuity and chronology, with himself preferrring to "live and run about!". (PROSE: Enter Wildthyme [+]Loading...["Enter Wildthyme (novel)"])
According to several accounts, in which the "Beryl Reid" and "Katy Manning" Irises were indistinct, Panda spent many of his later years living with Iris's ex-companion Tom in the late 1990s and the early 2000s. During this time, he contemplated writing his memoirs, (AUDIO: Wildthyme at Large [+]Loading...["Wildthyme at Large (audio story)"]) but was unable to due to his paws jamming the keys. (PROSE: Enter Wildthyme [+]Loading...["Enter Wildthyme (novel)"])
In the mid 2000s, Iris reunited with Tom, and after she left again, Tom felt guilty about the novels he wrote about her, so, taking Panda with him, he set off to his publisher, Mida Slike, to ask her to relieve him of his contractual obligation to write more novels. Mida refused, getting increasingly heated with Tom. Tom and Panda attempted to flee, but were captured by MIAOW, who were working for Mida. Panda first met the "Katy Manning" Iris (although he knew who she was) when she arrived in her bus, being controlled by the Head, who was after Iris's memories, stored inside a Memory Crystal. The Head almost succeeded in taking the Memory Crystal from Tom, but Panda grabbed it, throwing it down hard onto the ground, shattering it, allowing Iris to save the day, and getting her memories back. (AUDIO: Wildthyme at Large [+]Loading...["Wildthyme at Large (audio story)"]) However, Panda later recollected that he had thought Iris was just a fictional creation of Tom's. (PROSE: Enter Wildthyme [+]Loading...["Enter Wildthyme (novel)"])
Adventures with Iris and Tom
Info from The Devil in Ms. Wildthyme [+]Loading...["The Devil in Ms. Wildthyme (audio story)"], Iris Wildthyme and the Sound of Fear [+]Loading...["Iris Wildthyme and the Sound of Fear (audio story)"], PROSE: The Golden Hendecahedron [+]Loading...["The Golden Hendecahedron (short story)"], Iris Wildthyme y Señor Cientocinco contra Los Monstruos del Fiesta [+]Loading...["Iris Wildthyme y Señor Cientocinco contra Los Monstruos del Fiesta (short story)"], Future Legend [+]Loading...["Future Legend (short story)"], The Dreadful Flap [+]Loading...["The Dreadful Flap (short story)"] needs to be added.
Panda was irritated by Iris calling him a stuffed toy but fell in love with her, (AUDIO: The Devil in Ms. Wildthyme [+]Loading...["The Devil in Ms. Wildthyme (audio story)"]) choosing to stay with her when Tom returned to Earth to live as a journalist. (AUDIO: The Sound of Fear [+]Loading...["The Sound of Fear (audio story)"])
New adventures with Iris
When Iris was exiled to 1972, Panda became a journalist and helped her in her investigations. After meeting the White Rabbit and Mock Turtle he started to believe that Alice in Wonderland was real. (AUDIO: Iris Wildthyme and the Land of Wonder [+]Loading...["Iris Wildthyme and the Land of Wonder (audio story)"])
Panda found it difficult to accept Iris's male incarntaion and was annoyed by his attempts to make Panda sober. Whilst combating Roger the Naxian, Panda opened his hip flask and found that it was a temporal link to the Rehab Dimension where his Iris was, bringing her back. (AUDIO: The Two Irises [+]Loading...["The Two Irises (audio story)"])
Several times, Panda got lost at the end of the universe, (PROSE: Future Legend [+]Loading...["Future Legend (short story)"]) completely changed in size (PROSE: The Shape of Things [+]Loading...["The Shape of Things (short story)"]) and was killed in fake realities designed to trap him. (PROSE: Framed [+]Loading...["Framed (short story)"])
Panda sacrificed himself to save the multiverse from being invaded by his alternative selves by jumping into a rift in the Time Vortex whilst holding a bottle of Tonic water. (AUDIO: The Panda Invasion [+]Loading...["The Panda Invasion (audio story)"]) Panda did not die as he had expected and was saved by Iris and Santa Claus. (AUDIO: Iris Wildthyme and the Claws of Santa [+]Loading...["Iris Wildthyme and the Claws of Santa (audio story)"])
Clockwork Panda
After the Steam Lords retro-fitted the Obverse to be a bit more steampunk, (PROSE: The Woman Who Sold the Moon [+]Loading...["The Woman Who Sold the Moon (short story)"]) Panda became a robot that had been created by Flasket Brinner.
When Clockwork Panda's heart broke, Iris searched the multiverse for a replacement. (PROSE: Flasket Brinner and the Clockwork Heart [+]Loading...["Flasket Brinner and the Clockwork Heart (short story)"]) Iris and Panda encountered the Counter-Clockwork Yeti of Mrrm, impersonated Venusian ambassadors on the Moon, (PROSE: The Woman Who Sold the Moon [+]Loading...["The Woman Who Sold the Moon (short story)"]) visited Skullvaria (PROSE: The Story Sorters [+]Loading...["The Story Sorters (short story)"]) and bumped into an entity. (PROSE: Being [+]Loading...["Being (short story)"])
Facing the future Iris
After he and Iris defeated the Slime-Filled Slarvians, the New Naxium Empire decided to graciously reward them on New Naxia, however they were interrupted by the arrival of a Monstron Time destroyer, which attacked them, sending them running to the Celestial Omnibus and escaping to Trull, to lay low. Ironically, they were recognised almost immediately by Iris's biggest fan, Wayne Bland II.
After getting away from Wayne, they headed to a local bar, however Wayne followed them, and he deceived Iris into swapping minds with him, allowing him to inhabit Iris's body. Despite Iris's now odd behaviour, Panda didn't think much of it as he assumed that she'd snapped. Much later, after the Omnibus went into lockdown mode after sensing an intruder, "Iris" became a celebrity on Trull, taking advantage of a future incarnation's stardom. Panda, who was now the head secretary of "Iris's" fanclub, told this anecdote to a till girl when he was purchasing luxury towels on "Iris's" behest. Afterwards, Panda visited "Wayne" in the Trull Central Institute, and "he" profusely claimed that he was Iris, but this failed to convince Panda. "Iris" arrives, and guilted Panda into not believing "Wayne", but as they headed outside, "Wayne's" claims about an sexual planet, Kragoom, turned out to be the truth. Through a complicated series of mind-swapping, Iris piloted the Omnibus to Kragoom, and she attempted to sacrifice herself to stop the randy planet, but Wanye tampered the mind swapping device so that his mind would be swapped with Kragoom. Wayne, now a planet, left Trull to explore the universe, leaving Kragoom, trapped in Wayne's body, on Trull. As Iris and Panda began to relax, the Monstron Time destroyer caught up with them, causing them to flee once more. (AUDIO: The Iris Wildthyme Appreciation Society [+]Loading...["The Iris Wildthyme Appreciation Society (audio story)"])
Panda did not understand why Iris installed a randomiser in the Celestial Omnibus which caused their rides to be bumpier. (AUDIO: Iris Rides Out [+]Loading...["Iris Rides Out (audio story)"])
He asked her to take him to Earth to get a pork pie, but he was instead involved in a murder investigation and was, with Iris, captured by her future self (AUDIO: Midwinter Murders [+]Loading...["Midwinter Murders (audio story)"]) and sent to a Pleasure Prison. Panda was immersed in a virtual reality in which he had a biographer/personal assistant called Amanda, but he kept hearing Iris's voice and caused her future self's plan to fail. (AUDIO: Whatever Happened to Iris Wildthyme? [+]Loading...["Whatever Happened to Iris Wildthyme? (audio story)"])
Panda and Iris went to a darts competition and met the Bovians, meaning he had only three species in his book of terrifying of monsters left to see. (AUDIO: Iris at the Oche [+]Loading...["Iris at the Oche (audio story)"]) He later had a TV jingle stuck in his head and came under the the spell of Lift. (AUDIO: A Lift in Time [+]Loading...["A Lift in Time (audio story)"])
Under Iris's direction, Panda worked as an art critic in Paris, 1922, giving poor reviews to artistic geniuses such as Salvador Dalí. His reviews were causing these great artists to give up on art and leave Paris, thereby changing history, which the Seventh Doctor chastised him for. He caught the Doctor and Ace breaking into the bus, but confessed that he had misgivings about Iris's intentions and told the Doctor about this. He helped the Doctor to get the artists back to Paris, only to discover that Iris's purpose for ousting them in the first place was to protect them from Dora Muse, who wanted to consume the serotonin from their brains. After trying unsuccessfully to feast on Panda's brain, Dora transferred her mind into his body. He recovered after falling into the Seine, expelling Dora's consciousness. (AUDIO: Muse of Fire [+]Loading...["Muse of Fire (audio story)"])
Iris and the Clockworks
Panda remained on the Celestial Omnibus when Iris investigated strange happenings in Darlington, knowing how the locals would react to his appearance. Still, he made himself useful by relaying information to Iris from the Omnibus.
Iris returned to the Omnibus with her new friend, Simon, and the trio used the Omnibus to travel to the Begins at Home, the source of the strange happenings, and they found that the ship had been ransacked by Dog Pirates. Returning to Darlington, they discovered Anthony Marvelle's scheme to reach the Obverse. They left with Simon's friend Kelly, travelling to an alternate Paris in 1894, on the brink of the Martian invasion.
They left Paris hastily, returning Kelly to Earth after she found she couldn't handle the stress of time travel. Barbra, a Servo-furnishing, stowed away with them when they travelled to Valcea. On their journey to the City of Glass, Panda and Simon discovered a tear in the Very Fabric, left by Marvelle, inside the Omnibus, and they ventured through it, finding themselves at a Vince Cosmos concert in 1973, and saving Vince from an assassination attempt by Martian Time Agents.
At the after party, Simon encountered a future version of Iris who scolded them, instructing them to return to her past self. Panda and Simon returned to the Omnibus, and they finally reached the City of Glass. They're were immediately captured by the Wardrobes, who tortured Panda for information. Panda escaped with Simon and Iris after a bomb that had been secretly placed inside Barbra begins to explode, and Iris piloted the Omnibus to Hyspero, following Marvelle. (PROSE: Enter Wildthyme [+]Loading...["Enter Wildthyme (novel)"])
On Hyspero, Panda drove the bus whilst sitting on five pillows and believed that the pub they found in the desert looked like part of MIAOW. He also believed that Saga City was a trap for Iris and wanted to go after Simon once he was kidnapped by the Scarlet Empress's vizier. (PROSE: Wildthyme Beyond! [+]Loading...["Wildthyme Beyond! (novel)"])
A secret mission
After dropping Panda off somewhere to complete a mission for her, Iris travelled with Jo Jones, and later with Captain Edwin Turner. (AUDIO: Find and Replace [+]Loading...["Find and Replace (audio story)"], An Extraterrestrial Werewolf in Belgium [+]Loading...["An Extraterrestrial Werewolf in Belgium (audio story)"]) After parting ways with Turner, she went looking for Panda, but couldn't find him. Instead, she encountered a human called Arthur Bayer, who had a voice very similar to Panda's. (AUDIO: Looking for a Friend [+]Loading...["Looking for a Friend (audio story)"])
Travels with Brenda Soobie
At some point, Panda travelled with an early incarnation of Iris who called herself Brenda Soobie. The two spent some time in Las Vegas and partied backstage at the Flamingo Hotel with Elvis and Priscilla Presley. They stumbled upon an alien plot to abduct the Presleys and ended up chased through the hotel by an android duplicate of Tom Jones deployed as part of the masterplan, until they managed to escape through a portal that connected to the changing room mirror of the Shopkeeper's shop in Samhain. The old man already knew other, later versions of Iris, but this was her first meeting with him, and her first visit to the town, from her perspective.
The two started exploring the town, and Panda was run over by the clockwork monkeys, who had taken Master Maker's van for a joyride. Brenda sought help from the RifKind, living stuffed animals left behind by a writer who'd left Samhain behind twelve years ago and moved back to the "normal world", going over Hebden Bridge. After they mended Panda's arms and brought him back to consciousnss, Panda and Brenda tracked Riffkind down in the company of Wise Old Mog, finding him disillusioned with his attempts at a serious writing career, and helped inspire him to return to his beloved puppet characters. The three then returned to Samhain. (PROSE: Death of the Author [+]Loading...["Death of the Author (short story)"])
Further travels with Panda
Iris and Panda once arrived at a cathedral one stormy night, meeting the young verger outside. After listening to his story about encountering a ghost, they spend the night inside the Celestial Omnibus. The next morning, they went into the cathedral, meeting the aloof bishop and Iris's enemies, the Soroptimists. After encountering the unusual ghost, they descended to the crypt at midnight, where they were trapped, time slowing down around them. Knowing that the only solution is to change the future by orchestrating the ghost from the start, this becomes reality, with the bishop actually acting upon instructions from Iris and Panda from the not too distant future, and with his help, they escape. (PROSE: Iris Wildthyme and the Unholy Ghost [+]Loading...["Iris Wildthyme and the Unholy Ghost (short story)"])
Panda found himself trapped within the Gallery with a mysterious individual known as Mister Heart. This strange old man lured Panda into a succession of realities stored within paintings, with Panda's fate in each ending grisly. Iris had actually spent seventy four years inside the paintings, deliberately causing Panda's death, in order to free him from being trapped forever. He and Iris escaped, only for Mister Heart to have a new painting for his collection, one of Iris and Panda in the Celestial Omnibus... (PROSE: Framed [+]Loading...["Framed (short story)"])
Iris and Panda arrived at a warehouse filled with double decker buses, hunting for parts to repair the Celestial Omnibus. Things went terribly wrong when the ghost of a ticket inspector began haunting them. Iris defeated it with a strange gun, much to Panda's disappointment, as he was in the process of getting the ghost to pass on. (PROSE: Just the Ticket [+]Loading...["Just the Ticket (short story)"])
Iris and Panda once visited a village, throwing nightly parties and attempting to stop a gaseous villain, to no avail, and the village was destroyed, leaving only around two-dozen survivors. (PROSE: The Party in Room Four [+]Loading...["The Party in Room Four (short story)"])
Iris and Panda were lured to the Zona Oscura Festival by an idea that Iris had whilst watching a documentary featuring David Attenborough the night before with Panda. At the festival, Panda, being fed up with the large amounts of walking, insisted that they purchase drinks. They entered Madame Moiré's Burlesque Escapade, and Panda became captivated with one stripper, Carmen Tranquil. Iris left Panda, and he introduced himself to Carmen, but the ran when Iris's idea manifested as Jimmy the Tranquil, however Carmen was actually Jimmy's friend. At a VIP tent, Jimmy prepared to eat Iris but was killed along with Carmen after Theo Possible's companion Kelsey crushed them with a mirrorball. (PROSE: Party Kill Accelerator! [+]Loading...["Party Kill Accelerator! (short story)"])
Iris and Panda were turned into fiction and trapped within the bleed margin of a book. (PROSE: Untitled [+]Loading...["Untitled (The Panda Book of Horror short story)"])
Iris and Panda attended a wine tasting, and they killed something with a bottle. (PROSE: The Panda Book of Horror [+]Loading...["The Panda Book of Horror (short story)"])
Teaming up with Señor 105, they were sent on a quest to retrieve all the slices of the celestial gateau once again. After finding the third slice among vampiric versions of the Rolling Stones, they took it carefully back to the Celestial Omnibus. As that day was also Panda's birthday, they prepared him a surprise cake, but Iris accidentally ate the Celestial gateau, her mouth glowing bright orange. (PROSE: Deleted Scene from 'Iris Wildthyme and the Key Lime Pie 2 Time' - 'Part 3: The Stones of Blood' [+]Loading...["Deleted Scene from 'Iris Wildthyme and the Key Lime Pie 2 Time' - 'Part 3: The Stones of Blood' (short story)"])
Panda and Iris had retreated backwards up a hill to the bus away from an unspecified horror. Panda felt that Iris was selfish for not helping him due to his short legs, lack of balance, and age. A few days later, Panda had spent an afternoon relaxing in the Jardin du Luxembourg, and had popped into Le Bon Marché for a browse, when he found a striped cravat after a detour in La Grande Epicerie. Upon returning to the bus and showing Iris, she displayed no interest, causing him and Iris to enter a large argument which involved Panda throwing his new cravat down the side of the chaise lounge in disgust and hurling an empty bottle of Bombay Sapphire at Iris. To calm him down, Iris gave Panda a few cocktails and a dinner at Le Meurice. A photographer arrived and took their photo for the cover of a collection of stories about him and Iris. A few days later, Panda had finished editing the collection, getting through an entire box of red pencils. Panda wrote an introduction to the collection, where he noted that his publishers had failed to give him his box of gin in payment. (PROSE: Letter from the Editor [+]Loading...["Letter from the Editor (short story)"])
Later life
At one point later in his life, Panda travelled to the Obverse and helped a young Iris discover her identity and flee the Clockworks in her bus. (PROSE: Wildthyme Beyond! [+]Loading...["Wildthyme Beyond! (novel)"])
One of Iris's future incarnations starred in a successful television series and several films. Panda only appeared in the pilot episode of the series before he was replaced by a kangaroo named Hoppy. (AUDIO: The Iris Wildthyme Appreciation Society [+]Loading...["The Iris Wildthyme Appreciation Society (audio story)"])
Undated events
In the late 1980s, Jack helped "a panda guy" arrived at a pub in Putney, where upon he contacted a some hippies who put him "on the bus to space. A year later, when Ace and the Seventh Doctor arrived at the pub, Jack told Ace about this instance when telling her that Liam O'erspace needed help to return to his home planet, Algol. (PROSE: Teenage Kicks [+]Loading...["Teenage Kicks (short story)"])
Panda once reminisced about touring France with Noel Coward in the 1950s. (PROSE: Art Critic Panda [+]Loading...["Art Critic Panda (short story)"])
Panda once implied he had met Cleopatra. (PROSE: Enter Wildthyme [+]Loading...["Enter Wildthyme (novel)"])
Living with Paul Magrs and Jeremy
Panda once met Paul Magrs and his partner Jeremy in Norwich. Panda travelled with them to Manchester, where he moved in with them in their flat, and Panda stayed with the couple when they moved into their cosy new home in Levenshulme. Panda spent most of his time with the couple, so if they would go on holiday to places such as Paris, Panda would accompany them. Panda also spent his time reading biographies and reviewing ballet and opera for "serious-minded broadsheets".
When Fester Cat, a cat that Paul and Jeremy took in off the streets in 2006, moved in, Panda would often make conversation with Fester, but Fester was sceptical about Panda being "real". (PROSE: The Story of Fester Cat [+]Loading...["The Story of Fester Cat (novel)"])
He started a Twitter account under the handle @artcriticpanda, first posting on 4 December 2009. The night of 5 December he went to a dinner party. The Panda Book of Horror was published later that same month, which he professed to be excited about.
He returned from a cruise around the Mediterranean Sea on 16 May 2010, and had a new ear do on 22 June. (PROSE: Art Critic Panda [+]Loading...["Art Critic Panda (short story)"])
In 2012, Panda visited the Rollright Stones with Paul and Jeremy after they returned from the Utopia convention, and Panda was "delighted" that the stones were "Panda-sized". (PROSE: The Stones of Spookiness [+]Loading...["The Stones of Spookiness (short story)"])
In 2013, Fester began work on a book about his life with Paul and Jeremy. Fester actually omitted Panda from most of the book, as he was still unsure about Panda. (PROSE: The Story of Fester Cat [+]Loading...["The Story of Fester Cat (novel)"]) However, in a short story Fester wrote to publicise his book, Fester showed that he had finally accepted that Panda was real. (PROSE: Fester and the Christmas Mouse [+]Loading...["Fester and the Christmas Mouse (short story)"])
He visited Edinburgh Book Festival on 27 August 2015, and Manchester Pride on 29 August 2016.
On March 19 2017, he publicly announced that he would stand in the 2017 Manchester Gorton parliamentary election. His campaign continued into 21 March. On 17 July, he returned from a village professing to have enjoyed himself, and claiming that gin had been involved. He publicly came out on Twitter as pandagender and pandasexual. (PROSE: Art Critic Panda [+]Loading...["Art Critic Panda (short story)"])
Alternate Pandas
Lionel Pandeau
- Main article: Lionel Pandeau
One alternate version of Panda was the villainous Lionel Pandeau who used Iris's bus to summon an army of alternate Pandas to San Francisco on New years eve, 1999. Among the countless versions of Panda to emerge were vampires, cyborgs and giants, who Pandeau intended to use to conquer the Multiverse.
Others Panda theorised to have been brought through the rift were traffic cop Panda, construction worker Panda and Native American Panda during his mocking of Pandeau's plans.
All Pandas were shown to have an aversion to Tonic water, demonstrated when Iris poured a whole bottle onto a vampire Panda that had been assaulting hospital visitors. (AUDIO: The Panda Invasion [+]Loading...["The Panda Invasion (audio story)"])
The Gallery
Panda once found himself in a mysterious place known only as the Gallery, and Mister Heart kept repeatedly luring Panda into other worlds, in a ploy to capture Panda within a painting. In these worlds, Panda experienced being other versions of himself, including:
Chef Panda
This version of Panda hosted a show called What The F**k Do You Call That?, before his eventual death by choking on stuffing. (PROSE: Framed [+]Loading...["Framed (short story)"])
Art Critic Panda
This version of Panda was a judge for an art show. He had a relationship with Antoinette Bisby, who turned out to have an ulterior motive of exposing Panda and his fellow judges for being corrupt, and this broke Panda's heart, as he was genuinely in love with Antoinette, and he slit his throat with a piece of glass in despair. (PROSE: Framed [+]Loading...["Framed (short story)"])
Author Panda
This other version of Panda was an author who had just released a bestselling novel, but when a secret message was discovered in his book, Panda killed himself as he new he had no future.
As it turns out, Iris had spent seventy-four years deliberately causing the death of Panda within these worlds, so as to prevent Panda being trapped in a painting for all eternity. (PROSE: Framed [+]Loading...["Framed (short story)"])
In an universe of anti-matter
While on a mission for MIAOW, Panda visited a wildlife sanctuary, where he was transported to universe of anti-matter. There, he met two Pandas, one "young and frivolous", the other "old and venerable", who wasn't able to make it through the Event Horizon, so he had to communicate via Skype. (PROSE: From Wildthyme with Love [+]Loading...["From Wildthyme with Love (novel)"])
Personality
In retrospect, Panda considered himself to be pragmatic and down-to-Earth prior to his adventures with Iris. He also found that being obtuse was, to him at least, "one of the finest pleasures life [had] to offer". (PROSE: Enter Wildthyme [+]Loading...["Enter Wildthyme (novel)"])
Panda was highly sensitive over his unusual composition, so when somebody highlighted it, he would be scandalized. (PROSE: The Story of Fester Cat [+]Loading...["The Story of Fester Cat (novel)"], Enter Wildthyme [+]Loading...["Enter Wildthyme (novel)"], etc.) Panda often then threatened to punch whomever had insulted him "up the hooter". (AUDIO: Iris Wildthyme and the Panda Invasion [+]Loading...["Iris Wildthyme and the Panda Invasion (audio story)"], PROSE: Enter Wildthyme [+]Loading...["Enter Wildthyme (novel)"], etc.)
He and Iris were best friends, with Panda even showing that he loved Iris, (AUDIO: The Devil in Ms. Wildthyme [+]Loading...["The Devil in Ms. Wildthyme (audio story)"]) however they were prone to arguing, which Panda claimed was an act they did for the sheer fun of it. (PROSE: Enter Wildthyme [+]Loading...["Enter Wildthyme (novel)"]) During one argument over Iris's lack of interest in a cravat Panda had excitedly purchased, Iris had said that Panda was "overreacting" and was behaving like a "precious actor". He had then thrown an empty bottle of Bombay Sapphire at her. (PROSE: Letter from the Editor [+]Loading...["Letter from the Editor (short story)"])
Panda was in touch with his sexuality, despite being a stuffed toy, expressing a particular interest in Mida Slike, head of MIAOW, who he though was gorgeous, (AUDIO: Wildthyme at Large [+]Loading...["Wildthyme at Large (audio story)"]) as well as having "splendid boobs". (PROSE: Iris Wildthyme and the Polythene Terror [+]Loading...["Iris Wildthyme and the Polythene Terror (novel)"]) Panda was also captivated by rotund stripper Ms Carmen Tranquil, whom he met at the Zona Oscura Festival. He became devoted to her, until she revealed that she had no interest in him. (PROSE: Party Kill Accelerator! [+]Loading...["Party Kill Accelerator! (short story)"])
Like Iris, Panda drank heavily, and always carried a hip flask of whisky with him, as he felt that it kept him safe through dark times. (AUDIO: The Two Irises [+]Loading...["The Two Irises (audio story)"]) Panda wanted to be a DJ for Radio 4 and was annoyed when the bus got messy. (AUDIO: The Sound of Fear [+]Loading...["The Sound of Fear (audio story)"])
Skills and abilities
Panda once claimed that he could make "magnificent" and "killer" omelettes, and in the process of making these omelettes, he charred them. (PROSE: Enter Wildthyme [+]Loading...["Enter Wildthyme (novel)"])
A narrator once told the readers that Panda was "capable of a dozen more unlikely things than reading". (PROSE: Iris Wildthyme and the Unholy Ghost [+]Loading...["Iris Wildthyme and the Unholy Ghost (short story)"])
Appearance
Panda was an old stuffed panda, (PROSE: Enter Wildthyme [+]Loading...["Enter Wildthyme (novel)"], Letter from the Editor [+]Loading...["Letter from the Editor (short story)"]) ten inches tall, (PROSE: Enter Wildthyme [+]Loading...["Enter Wildthyme (novel)"], etc.) with short legs, a general lack of balance, (PROSE: Letter from the Editor [+]Loading...["Letter from the Editor (short story)"]) and finger-less paws. Thus, he had to use blu-tack to turn pages of books. (PROSE: Iris Wildthyme and the Unholy Ghost [+]Loading...["Iris Wildthyme and the Unholy Ghost (short story)"]) However, he was at the very least strong enough to throw an empty bottle of Bombay Sapphire hard enough to crack a window. (PROSE: Letter from the Editor [+]Loading...["Letter from the Editor (short story)"])
Panda had black ears, which Iris's companion Simon described as "coiffed", (PROSE: Enter Wildthyme [+]Loading...["Enter Wildthyme (novel)"]) Panda had a snout, (PROSE: Party Kill Accelerator! [+]Loading...["Party Kill Accelerator! (short story)"]) which, while it seemingly lacked a mouth, (AUDIO: Iris Wildthyme and the Sound of Fear [+]Loading...["Iris Wildthyme and the Sound of Fear (audio story)"], etc.) a mouth was indeed existent, as he was able to consume food (PROSE: Framed [+]Loading...["Framed (short story)"], Deleted Scene from 'Iris Wildthyme and the Key Lime Pie 2 Time' - 'Part 3: The Stones of Blood' [+]Loading...["Deleted Scene from 'Iris Wildthyme and the Key Lime Pie 2 Time' - 'Part 3: The Stones of Blood' (short story)"], etc.) and drink. (PROSE: Enter Wildthyme [+]Loading...["Enter Wildthyme (novel)"], Party Kill Accelerator! [+]Loading...["Party Kill Accelerator! (short story)"], etc.)
According to a narrator, Panda had a straw filled head, though he may have not meant this literally. (PROSE: Iris Wildthyme and the Unholy Ghost [+]Loading...["Iris Wildthyme and the Unholy Ghost (short story)"]) Another account showed that Panda was full of stuffing which he coughed up whilst choking in an alternate reality. (PROSE: Framed [+]Loading...["Framed (short story)"])
Panda had a posh, (PROSE: The Party in Room Four [+]Loading...["The Party in Room Four (short story)"]) fruity, hectoring voice, (PROSE: The Story of Fester Cat [+]Loading...["The Story of Fester Cat (novel)"]) and sharp, black, beady eyes. (PROSE: Fester and the Christmas Mouse [+]Loading...["Fester and the Christmas Mouse (short story)"]) Panda thought that he had lovely, beady, black-button eyes, (PROSE: Framed [+]Loading...["Framed (short story)"]) though Simon thought that he had glass eyes. Simon also thought that Panda had "coiffed black ears". (PROSE: Enter Wildthyme [+]Loading...["Enter Wildthyme (novel)"])
Reactions to Panda
While most people nonchalantly accepted the fact Panda was a walking and talking stuffed bear, (PROSE: Iris Wildthyme and the Unholy Ghost [+]Loading...["Iris Wildthyme and the Unholy Ghost (short story)"], The Story of Fester Cat [+]Loading...["The Story of Fester Cat (novel)"], etc.) some individuals reacted in different ways: Albert was too dismayed and embarrassed to talk to Panda; Bessy thought that Paul Magrs and Jeremy were "freaks" for being friends with him; Fester Cat was initially flabbergasted, before remaining sceptical about Panda for several years, (PROSE: The Story of Fester Cat [+]Loading...["The Story of Fester Cat (novel)"]) although he eventually accepted Panda, and stood up for him on Panda's behalf. (PROSE: Fester and the Christmas Mouse [+]Loading...["Fester and the Christmas Mouse (short story)"])
When visiting Darlington, Panda remained inside the Celestial Omnibus, to avoid arousing unhelpful reactions to his nature. (PROSE: Enter Wildthyme [+]Loading...["Enter Wildthyme (novel)"])
Behind the scenes
- Panda appears in a few of Paul Magrs's non-Iris Wildthyme but still DWU novels, including Brenda and Effie Forever!.
- Panda was the mascot for the 2021 Levenshulme Pride. Magrs created special art of Panda holding the modern pride flag as well as a map of Levenshulme in his distinctive style for the brochure.[1]
- In The Runaway HiFi, a piece of fan fiction that Magrs wrote for his blog, Panda is revealed to be HiFi. This story was later published in A Second Target for Tommy in 2018 by Obverse Books.
External links
Footnotes
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