Mix Her Own Adventure (short story)

Mix Her Own Adventure
Main character(s):	Iris Wildthyme
Featuring:	Bartender
Main setting:	Pub
Key crew
Publisher:	Obverse Books
Editor:	Stuart Douglas
Writer:	Patrick Magee
Release details
Genre:	CYOA
Part of:	Iris: Fifteen
Release date:	25 September 2015
Format:	Short story
Iris: Fifteen
← Previous	Iris and the Caliphate
Next →	Scream in Blue

Mix Her Own Adventure was the fifteenth short story published in the anthology Iris: Fifteen on 25 September 2015 by Obverse Books. Written by Patrick Magee, the story was unconventionally a short example of a choose your own adventure story, where you play as a bartender serving Iris Wildthyme a gin and tonic.

This Wiki does not treat choose your own adventure stories as valid sources for writing in-universe articles with due to this Wiki not recognising which version of any choose your own adventure story is definitive; therefore, Mix Her Own Adventure is an invalid source.

Plot

Marker 1

You, a bartender, observe a seemingly middle age woman sitting at the bar with a half-finished gin and tonic. You approach her, and she tries to look up at you but struggles due to having drunk many G&Ts; you ask the other bartender, Tony, if he knows who this inebriated patron is, but he doesn't know anything about her, and leaves his shift.

You start polishing a pint-glass out of boredom, before Tony re-enters the pub and alerts you to the presence of a bus outside which may mean you have to serve tourists later. Tony leaves once more, you finish cleaning the pint-glass, and the patron asks you for another gin and tonic.

If you serve her, go to Three. If not, go to Two.

Marker 2

You refuse to serve her a gin and tonic, instead offering a glass of water. This fills the patron with anger, so she stands up and goes to leave, telling you that you will miss out on knowing who she is. You offer to call a taxi, but she tells you'll she will catch a bus, which is confusing to you as you know there isn't a bus stop for miles. After Iris leaves, you turn up the telly, which is playing a match, to drown out the noise of the teenagers.

Later, as you leave the pub for the night, you go past where the bus was parked and get the feeling of regret. Later, when you pull the duvet over yourself, you are reminded of the time earlier in your life when you didn't ask Anne Rutimeyer out to the school dance.

This is the end.

Marker 3

You go to make the patron a gin and tonic, so you turn around to access the spirit shelf.

If you take Hendrick's, go to Seven; if you take Grey Goose, go to Six; if you take Gordon's, go to Five.

Marker 4

Iris downs the drink quickly, complimenting your choice of fresh lime, though you feel underappreciated given the concentration it took to make the drink. You go to ring up the drink on the till, but you are distrated by her eyes, which aren't those of a drunk but those of a woman who has seen both life and death on a cosmic scale. She asks for your name, and you tell her, but she doesn't like it as she was hoping for something "spacey". She introduces herself as Iris Wildthyme, and suddenly exits out of the pub like a grasshopper.

If you follow her, go to Eight. If not, go to Nine.

Marker 5

You go to take Gordon's off the shelf, but the patron scolds you, as she doesn't drink that variety after 1953 as she doesn't like the flavour, and tells you instead to take the Hendrick's. You consider cutting her off.

If you decide not to serve her, go to Two. If you listen to her advice and take the Hendrick's, go to Seven.

Marker 6

You do not take Grey Goose as you fully well know that it is not gin but vodka, and therefore is by definition not suitable as an ingredient of gin and tonic.

• You go back to Three and re-evaluate your choices as a bartender.

Marker 7

You take the Hendrick's. You mix the gin and tonic, all while the patron watches you very closely, to the point you fleetingly get the impression she has entered your mind and is guiding you; this process almost makes time feel as if it has slowed down. You give the patron the drink, and even the universe itself holds its breath.

Go to Four.

Marker 8

As you exit you see Iris is waiting for you on the steps of the bus. You ask her if you should "call last orders", but she cuts you off as she tells you that travelling with her means you have to follow one rule, but she doesn't elaborate initially, despite your confusion; though she soon tells you, as she starts the engine, that the rule is: "there's always time for another drink!"

Iris and you set off for another adventure.

This is the beginning.

Marker 9

You remain in the pub, slightly feeling like you missed something important and that she didn't pay. You consider going after her, but when a local enters, you are distracted. You serve them while pointlesssly talking to them about the horses, and Iris slips away into the "underused neurons of your memory". For the rest of your life, you are niggled by the feeling you missed something.

This is the end.

Characters

(In order of appearance)

• Bartender
• Iris Wildthyme
• Tony
• Teenagers
• Universe

Referenced only

• Anne Rutimeyer
• Investment banker
• Bartender's grandmother
• Young person

Worldbuilding

• The bartender thinks Iris could look younger or older, depending on the light.
• The bartender notices that Iris looks slightly bohemian, though you are not a fashion critic so aren't the most knowledgeable on the subject.
• Iris arrived at lunchtime.
• There are teenagers playing snooker (which involves billiard balls) in the pub.
• You thinks Iris's voice is "oddly sexy".
• There is a disabled parking space outside the pub.
• When you didn't ask Anne out those years ago, she went out with a rugby player who later became a "fairly" successful investment banker in the city.
• Grey Goose is a premium brand of vodka invented by Sidney Frank. It is made in France.
  • Grey Goose can be an ingredient in a Harvey Wallbanger or a Cosmopolitan.
• A gin and tonic has a secret in its preparation, in that the bitterness of the tonic must be balanced against the sweetness of the gin, a fifty/fifty blend.
  • You make the gin and tonic by first placing four/five ice cubes in the glass, then fill it halfway with gin, then complete it with tonic water.
  • The tonic water is stored in the fridge.
  • Many people (including Tony) add lemon into the mixture, but you know that they are idiots, and that the best ingredient is in fact fresh lime; this is because gin typically already is infused with lemon and so adding more lemon is to "over-egg the pudding".
    • The lime should be drizzled then added as a garnishing, as this "compliments the flavours and keeps the drink crisp".
  • The trail of condensation that is left behind when you slide the drink to Iris is akin to that of a snail.
  • The completed gin and tonic has the "aroma of juniper berries, citrus and the slight infusion of cucumber and Bulgarian rose".
• Iris's eyes give you the impression that she has seen "suns eat worlds for breakfast, eyes that blinked in the first, broiling lights of the universe; eyes that know that there are some corners of the universe that have brewed the most terrible drinks".
• Iris lists off some "spacey" sounding names — saying them in manner as if she has fine wine or a gobstopper in her mouth — all that have "Z" in them: Zargon, Zorbum, and Azrok.
• The interior of the bus reminds you of summer holidays and your grandmother's house.
  • The interior of the bus is cozy, and there is clothing and furniture "strewn" about. On the dashboard is the framed photograph of a slightly attractive young person.
• Iris has rum-coloured hair.
• The feeling you missed something after not going after Iris feels to you as if you "left a metaphorical pot on the figurative boil, and never bothered to check it."

Notes

to be added

Continuity

• Tony recalls that Iris had been going on about "how they all leave her in the end", which indicates this story is likely set after the departure of her companion Panda, which some sources such as the audio drama Iris Wildthyme Speaks...! and the novel Enter Wildthyme depict.
• Iris is depicted drinking Gordon's in the audio drama The Iris Wildthyme Appreciation Society.
• You observe that the Celestial Omnibus has furniture strewn about. This matches other stories such as Enter Wildthyme and Iris Wildthyme and the Unholy Ghost which describes the Omnibus as full of furniture.